A Matter of Trust
by koberskaya
Summary: Fem!Shep/Kaidan/James V.  She wanted to spend forever with Kaidan, but she's not sure she can live with him doubting her.  James offers his friendship and maybe more as she tries to piece her emotions together.
1. Chapter 1: Breaking Point

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin Shepard is mine.

This happens right after the confrontation with Udina on the Citadel.

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><p>"My Immortal" by Evanescence<p>

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
>And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave<br>Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<p>

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me<p>

You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
>Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind<br>Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
>Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me<p>

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<p>

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me<p>

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
>But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along<p>

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me, me, me<p>

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><p>Walking into her cabin, Shepard stops at her desk to pick up the photo of Kaidan and sighs. She moves to sit on the bed, face cupped in one hand as she stares at his image. <em>How did we end up like this? Where did it go so wrong?<em>

The door chimes and in comes the very man she's not ready to see, his eyes examining her weary countenance. She stands as he makes his way to her, setting the photo face-down on the bed before he takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Allowing herself a moment to memorize the touch of his lips on hers, she eventually pulls back, reaching up to remove his hands from her face. Kaidan frowns, "Shepard, about what happened back on the Citadel… I'm sorry for doubting you. After everything we sacrificed to save the Council before, I should have known you wouldn't try and kill one of them without cause."

Kaylin Shepard closes her eyes for a moment, visibly collecting herself before she speaks, her words soft and full of sorrow. "Kaidan… I can't do this anymore." His frown deepens, worry filling his eyes as she goes on. "I love you. Part of me will always love you, but I **cannot** be with someone who doesn't trust me."

Her fingers rise to silence his lips as he tries to respond, her voice slowly filling with strength. "No; let me finish. It used to be you would follow me anywhere without hesitation. If you weren't sure of what we were doing, you'd ask questions, but I never felt that you doubted **me**, just the course of action. Since I died and came back… you've lost faith in me, in my honesty, in my honor. First on Horizon, calling me a traitor for working with the Illusive Man. Then again on Mars, questioning if I had led Cerberus to the Archives. And just now, on the Citadel, when you kept a weapon trained on me even though I had lowered mine. Every time you prove your lack of trust in me I feel pieces of my heart being torn away and it's killing me. The fate of the universe bears down on my shoulders and, rather than helping me, it feels like you add more weight to my burden with your inability to believe in me. You used to make me stronger, Kaidan; now… you make me weak."

He stares at her, mouth opening and shutting several times before he finally finds what he wants to say. "Shepard… Kaylin… I love you. There is no one else in this universe for me; please don't do this. I'll work harder, not question you, back every idea you have if you'll let me stay. I'm sorry for hurting you; there is nothing I want to do less in this life than cause you pain." His hand reaches for her again, but she shakes her head as she neatly side-steps him to walk over to the fish tank, her back firmly turned to him.

"I've already spoken with Admiral Hackett; he could use humanity's second Spectre in a variety of capacities. There's a transport on the Citadel that will take you to the Crucible where you'll receive your orders."

Limned in the blue light from the fish tank, Shepard waits for him to speak, but his silence stretches on. As she turns, she sees the devastation on his face and nearly gives in, nearly begs him to forgive her and stay by her side. She bows her head and slowly slides a hand down over her face before looking back up, whispering, "Goodbye Kaidan. Take care of yourself and be safe."

With a shudder he pulls himself together, standing to attention and saluting her, voice becoming formal, "It has been an honor serving with you, ma'am. May I be dismissed?"

Heart breaking, she returns his salute. "Dismissed."

He strides past her, footfalls heavy as he heads for the door. As he prepares to leave her cabin, he pauses and says over his shoulder, voice ragged and pain-filled, "I'll always love you, Kaylin. Maybe when this is all over, you'll be able to forgive me."

The doors close at his back as Kaylin Shepard falls to her knees, body wracked with sobs as her world falls apart, wishing the universe didn't seem so damned lonely already without him.

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><p><em>Author's note: This is my first fic, so please be kind. While I love Kaidan to pieces, this possibility kept finding its way into my head and needed to come out. I hope others find it a decent bit of story; if so, I may write some more<em>


	2. Chapter 2: Shattered

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

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><p>"Going Under" by Evanescence<p>

Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
>Fifty thousand tears I've cried<br>Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you  
>And you still won't hear me, going under<p>

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself  
>Maybe I'll wake up for once<br>Not tormented daily, defeated by you  
>Just when I thought, I reached the bottom<p>

I'm dying again, I'm going under  
>Drowning in you, I'm falling forever<br>I've got to break through, I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
>So I don't know what's real and what's not<br>So I don't know what's real and what's not  
>Always confusing the thoughts in my head<p>

So I can't trust myself anymore  
>I'm dying again, I'm going under<br>Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
>I've got to break through, I'm<p>

So go on and scream  
>Scream at me, I'm so far away<br>I won't be broken again  
>I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under<p>

I'm dying again, I'm going under  
>Drowning in you, I'm falling forever<br>I've got to break through, I'm going under  
>Going under, I'm going under<p>

* * *

><p>Kaylin rocks back and forth, arms wrapped around her chest, tears streaming down her face, unable to catch her breath. Memories of Kaidan keep rising to taunt her wounded heart: his words of encouragement after their first mission, his shy compliments whenever they talked on the original Normandy, the stolen glances and "accidental" touches when they thought no one would notice, the night of passion before Ilos, the plans to find some tropical beach and wear each other thoroughly on shore leave. Then came Alchera: the attack, ordering him to get everyone off the ship, running to save Joker, the ship breaking apart, being blown out into space, fiery debris everywhere, the sudden realization all the air was venting, the burning in sensation in her chest as she struggles for one more breath, the heat leaching into an infinite cold as her mind slowly fades out on the image of the planet looming large in her vision, her last thoughts of how she would give anything to be in his arms…<p>

_God, why is it so very cold…_

* * *

><p>James makes his way from the mess hall to the elevator up to the commander's cabin; she'd said earlier that he could drop by for a talk and he needed her advice about joining N7. He presses the button, waiting, and then nearly gets mowed down by a visibly upset Major Alenko. <em>What the hell's his problem?<em> He watches the Major slam his fist into the door release for the observation deck then James shakes his head and steps into the lift.

As he exits onto the landing outside Shepard's cabin, he notices how quite it seems, _nice perk for the commander._ Just as he raises his hand to hit the intercom, he begins to make out the faint sounds of someone crying. _Maybe Shepard's comforting someone; she always seems to be there for anyone in the crew who's having a problem. Better not disturb her. _Turning on his heel, he starts to get back on the elevator when he stops dead, putting two and two together: rumor had it the Commander and Major had a past, the Major's clearly torqued about something, now there's someone sobbing in the Commander's room.

_Fuck! That's Shepard. What the hell do I do now? …other than go kick Alenko's ass for hurting her. _He rubs the back of his neck, pacing back and forth. _Think, Vega. Who could comfort her without making her self-conscious for losing control? That sure as hell isn't you, no matter how much she let you in while you watched her before the trial. _He paces a bit more, brow furrowed as he runs through the list of her squad-mates, smacking his head as it finally comes to him: _Esteban!_

James hops in the lift and heads down to the hangar, praying Cortez is back from picking up the supplies on the Citadel he needed to restock the armory. As the doors open he looks around, "Yo, Esteban! Shepard needs to have a talk with you."

Steve looks up from shifting cargo containers, noting a hint of desperation in Vega's tone and the fact that he's opening and closing his hands repeatedly like he doesn't know what to do with them. "Over here. Help me get this stuff stowed and I'll go meet up with the Commander. If it's about the rifle scope, I told her it's back ordered and will hopefully arrive in a week."

"I'll get this all sorted out for you, Esteban," as James hurries over to Steve he drops his voice to a whisper, "Man, you need to go now. I think Shepard and Alenko had a fight and now it sounds like she's having a breakdown. Figured since she helped you with Robert, you might be the right person to help her through this."

An expression of concern briefly crossing his face before being schooled back into nonchalance, Steve puts down the crate of frag grenades in his hands. "Think you can handle things alone down here for a bit without blowing them up or wrecking another shuttle?"

"You take away all my fun, man." Vega forces a smile and waves Steve towards the lift before losing himself in the monotony of securing the cargo. _Hope Esteban can get her turned around. The major better hope I don't see his scrawny ass; no one makes Lola cry._

* * *

><p>Cortez exits onto the small platform outside the commander's cabin and listens. No crying, but the muffled sound of running water reaches his ears. He mutters under his breath, "Vega must be losing it," as he turns to go.<p>

EDI announces over the comm, "Lieutenant Cortez, perhaps you can convince the Commander to come out of the shower before she burns herself any further. She has failed to listen to my advice that sitting fully clothed in scalding hot water is not the best way to warm her-self up."

_Damn._ He makes his way into her quarters and hits a wall of steam wafting from the bathroom. Peering through the veil, he sees her huddled in a ball on the floor, skin turning red as the water cascades over her. "EDI shut off the water to the showers here." His voice softens, concern written clearly on his face, "Commander Shepard…" No response as he kneels down to examine her. "Kaylin, look at me," lifting her chin shows him the thousand yard stare her gaze has become. He goes out to her dresser and grabs a pair of warm sweats; returning he stands her up with no resistance and begins to strip her out of her soaked garments, gently toweling her off, taking care with the skin abraded by the heat of the water. Like an exhausted child, he manages to get her into some dry clothes and lead her to the couch as the tremors he felt running through her begin to increase.

"Kaylin, you have to snap out of it." Tears trickle down her cheeks as he tries to make her eyes meet his, but her gaze is devoid of all recognition. Her lips move, repeating something over and over again that he has to strain to hear, "So cold." For a time he murmurs reassurances to her, chaffing her arms to try and help her feel warmer, wrapping her in a blanket, yet still she shivers and mutters her mantra, mind lost to some unknown specter.

Sighing, Steve finally decides to take a different tack: he slaps her across the face. Her mouth closes and her eyes blink, but still no signs she's really coming around. His hand strikes out again, but before he makes contact, she snares his wrist in a death-grip. Reason slowly returns to her gaze and she shakes her head as if to throw off bad dreams.

Voice raspy from crying, "Steve, what are you doing here? What's…" Her words trail off as dawning realization of what happened sets in. Examining the tender reddened skin of her hands, feeling the sting in her cheek where his slap left its mark, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in and out to collect herself. "Thanks. I needed that."

"You had me worried there, Shepard. I've never seen you so… lost… before. What happened?"

She draws her legs up to her chest, arms wrapped around them as she rests her chin on her knees. While her gaze loses focus again, she's clearly still present as she says, "Kaidan came to see me and I told him he was being reassigned. I told him I couldn't take his lack of trust in me anymore and that we were over. It… didn't go well." Eyes close as she sighs, "Apparently I wasn't ready for this. It felt like I was dying again watching him walk out the door, hearing him tell me he'd never stop loving me. The pain I caused him made me want to hurt myself and so I retreated into the memory of dying in the black of space, alone and cold and scared." She hides her face in her knees, murmuring, "Everyone I care about ends up hurt or dead while I somehow manage to walk away unscathed. Maybe it's time I felt some pain; it's what I deserve."

Hands on either side of her face, Steve lifts her head until he's staring fully into her eyes. His voice is gentle but firm, "Kaylin, no one deserves to be in pain, least of all you. I've never met anyone as strong and capable as you. It's why everyone seems to turn to you with their problems, expects you to be able to pull off the miracle, make everything right again, ease their pain. You take our pain on yourself and never complain, but I've never seen you go to someone when you're hurting; you bottle it up inside, don't you? You say you walk away unscathed while those around you suffer, but I think your heart and soul are covered in scars the rest of us just don't see. Don't forget you're human, too, and you've got friends who are there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on." Kaylin's breath catches in a sob as the tears begin to fall again. He gathers her into his arms and strokes her hair as she cries herself to sleep.

* * *

><p>Gasping as the nightmare loses its grip, she realizes she's been neatly tucked into her bed and Cortez is groggily climbing off the couch to make sure she's all right. "You didn't have to stay, Steve; I know you have better things to do than watch me sleep." She blushes slightly and whispers, "Thanks though. The nightmares get bad sometimes and its a little better waking up with someone here. How long was I out?"<p>

"Just a couple hours. You were exhausted and I thought someone should keep watch to make sure you weren't disturbed."

A small smile quirks the corner of her mouth, "I appreciate it, though what will the crew say about you spending hours up here alone with the commander?"

Chuckling and shaking his head, Cortez rises and stretches. "Anyone who knows us knows nothing's going on. Anyone who doesn't… sometimes listening in on the gossip that manages to make its way around the ship is amusing." His smile fades a bit, voice a little more serious, "You good, Shepard?"

"Yeah. Thanks again, Cortez. It's nice having a friend to count on. Please don't say anything about my little meltdown."

He strolls towards the door to her cabin, "Wouldn't dream of it. You might want to see Doctor Chakwas about those burns."

Just as he's leaving, Shepard calls out, "Hey, Steve! How did you know something was wrong?"

He turns and gives her an appraising look, "Vega saw Major Alenko leaving upset and thought maybe you could use a friend."

"He's not my friend?" She sounds puzzled and just a touch hurt.

"He thought maybe he wasn't the right man for the job. Looked like he wanted to go beat the daylights out of the major; maybe he thought that you needed someone who could be calmer about the whole thing."

She chews her lower lip distractedly, "Huh. Tell him thanks."

A small, knowing smile on his lips, Cortez walks out, "Will do, commander."

* * *

><p><em>Author's note: Changing the rating for possible future chapters. Constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated. I hope I am managing to get the characters right.<em>


	3. Chapter 3: Price of Command

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's Note: So this chapter is a lot longer than my previous pieces. Part of it has to do with taking an actual scene from game and tweaking it slightly. Also, there are two songs in the midst of the story that I've loved for a long time._

_The interaction with Joker near the beginning of the story can actually happen in game if you tell Kaidan to take the position with Hackett rather than joining the Normandy. I thought the scene was rather sweet._

_Hope you guys like this and I appreciate any comments about my style and/or content._

* * *

><p>After Cortez leaves, Shepard changes into her fatigues and checks in at the med-bay for some burn cream. Dr Chakwas seems mildly confused by the injuries, "How exactly did this happen, Commander?"<p>

Clearing her throat, eyes cast down to her lap as she rubs in the last of the goop, "Had a malfunction with my shower. The problem has been resolved, so this shouldn't happen again."

"Ah."

She rises and heads out, saying over her shoulder, "Thanks, Chakwas."

Various crew members call out greetings to her as she makes her way up to the CIC and the bridge. Traynor states she has yet more mail to review. _All I do lately is answer requests for this and that, calls to speak with one bureaucrat or another. I miss the days of just dealing with sniper missions, the quiet descending as you focus on your next breath and the shot. Those were the days: no greater concern than getting my-self and my command home safe, not deciding whether an entire civilization lives or dies or trying to convince some politician that saving his own bacon is secondary to helping someone else. Maybe Joker can lift my spirits._

As she comes up behind him, Joker's making a quip to EDI about how Cerberus will have trouble recruiting. After congratulating her on beating Cerberus on the Citadel, Joker turns away and his voice becomes serious, "I… hope Major Alenko is happy with his new post."

Maintaining a mask of calm is barely within her grasp as she shrugs and responds, "It's wartime, Joker. We all go where we're ordered to."

"Understood. Just for the record, though…" he turns back around and levers himself out of his chair, coming to stand before her. Joker comes to attention and salutes, a rare show of military respect from him.

Voice mildly puzzled, she asks, "What's that?"

He stares her straight in the eyes, "Somebody giving you the respect you deserve, Commander."

A faint blush highlights her cheeks as she ducks her head. "Thanks." Joker returns to his seat and she lets him know they're headed for Mesana tomorrow. "Joker, we're going to hold a good old fashioned Irish wake tonight at 2200 in the port obs deck; spread the word. It's time to remember those we've lost so far."

"Hell yeah, Commander! I'll make sure the bar is stocked before we leave the Citadel."

With a snort, she goes off to see if Cortez can snag some food for the celebration.

After clapping Steve on the shoulder in thanks for his help securing supplies for the wake, Shepard strolls over to where James is working out with the punching bag. She leans up against his workbench and watches for a bit, admiring the play of muscles under his shirt as he throws a jab followed up by a side kick.

Finally noticing her presence, James continues his work out but smugly asks, "You watch everyone like this or just me? Or were you wanting another sparring match? This time I won't **let** you win."

Chuckling, she drawls, "Riiiight. Cause the bloody nose and you lying on the floor say you 'let' me win. I'd be more than happy for a rematch sometime, but I have some medical supplies I need to convince someone to trade me. See you at 2200?"

With one last hit to the bag, he takes a swig of water and grins at her. "You know where to find me for some hand to hand. And you couldn't keep me away from a party if you tried, Commander." Grin fading to a more somber look, "Hey, Shepard, I needed to talk with you, privately, about something."

"Sure thing, Vega. Why don't you come by my quarters at 2000? Gives you time to say whatever you need and still let us both get ready for the festivities."

"Will do, Shepard."

* * *

><p>She's curled up on the couch reading an honest-to-God paper book when the door chimes promptly at 2000. Vega steps in and looks around, seeming slightly discomfited. "Hey, man, how's it going?"<p>

Setting her book aside, she stands and walks towards him, "Good, James. You?"

"Good. Good." Nerves getting to him, he strolls to examine the model ships and sees the hamster. _She's actually got a pet. I thought Cortez was just BSing._ "Wow. So this is what I can look forward to when I get my own command."

"You want your own ship, Vega?"

He can't resist tweaking her pride, "Yeah, maybe one day… When I'm old and can't fight worth shit anymore." He turns to the fish tank to hide his smirk.

"You just come up here to make fun of your commander?"

Losing the smirk, he jogs down the steps into the main cabin. "Sorry, Lola." His tone is pensive as he shrugs, "I guess… maybe I got some things on my mind." He turns to face her, hesitant, "I… I wanted to get your opinion on something."

"Shoot."

"What did you do when they asked you to join the N7 program? I mean, was it a no-brainer for you or did you think about it before accepting?"

"The N7 program is a big deal, but it's also a big commitment."

"I hear that."

"You get the best training, best equipment, best assignments."

"And they expect the best in return."

"Yes, they do. Why you asking?"

"Well, even all the shit that's going on… somebody, somewhere managed to track me don and forward an N7 commendation. It's dated the same day the Reapers attacked Earth."

"You don't sound too thrilled."

"Well, aside from the fact there won't be an N7 program if we don't win this war, I just… Being a soldier's the only thing I've ever been really good at. And not 'cause I try. Hell, I'd've kicked my ass out years ago. Last time I had a command, I lost almost everyone. And they promoted me for it." The self-loathing in his words is evident as he talks about losing his men. "I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready to lead again. I don't know if I want that responsibility."

Shepard thinks of the men she lost on Akuze and asks carefully, "You mentioned that before. What went wrong?"

Grunting with disgust, Vega answers, "What didn't go wrong?" He gives a pained sigh, chin dropping to his chest as he reaches to rub his forehead, other arm wrapped protectively around his gut. "We were out on patrol, checking on some strange readings. Then the Collectors hit. But they hit the colony first. By the time we got back, most of the colonists had been subdued or abducted, including our CO, Captain Toni."

"So you were in charge."

"Yeah. We laid low for a bit, waiting for a chance to strike. But before we could, we were betrayed. One of the colonists turned out to be a Cerberus spy working **with** the Collectors." His voice is slightly angry and defensive as he continues, "I had no choice. I killed him and destroyed the Collector ship. It got ugly. We lost most of the colonists and all but one of my squad. Not exactly a textbook operation."

Remembering the pain she felt on Akuze and how much she hated the accolades she received for surviving, Shepard empathizes with him. "You can't blame yourself for being put in a tough situation. And if you were promoted, then something must've gone right."

Incredulous, James starts to speak, "Sure, but…"

Shepard interrupts him, trying to not let him wallow in self-hatred. "If you'd saved them all, would things have worked out better?"

Again he hesitates, "I… I don't know. I don't think so."

"The right choice is usually not the easy one."

"Yeah… Did you know that before you joined the N7?"

"Yeah. That's why I was asked. And it's why they asked you. There's not a single N7 that hasn't sacrificed, either themselves or their soldiers, at some point."

"So you think I should accept?"

"Assuming we survive this, that's a no-brainer. You're a damn good soldier, Vega. Don't waste that opportunity."

"I'll think about it. Seriously." Slightly embarrassed he says, "If you don't mind, maybe don't mention this to anyone else."

"Of course not."

"Gracias. Well, I think I better get back to the hangar." He glances around again, "Things here are just a little too soft for me."

"The bed's harder than it looks."

He smirks, taking a small step forward, "Are you flirting with me, Lola?"

Weight resting on her back leg, her arms cross her chest and she just gives him The Look.

"I'm going. I'm going."

"You don't have to leave." Shepard takes a seat and waves Vega to sit if he wants, "We still have some time before we have to be downstairs; I miss the talks we used to have back when you were my keeper."

James stretches his legs out in front of him as he lounges on the other end of the couch, then gestures at the book, "So, what ya reading this time? And where the hell did you manage to find something that ancient? I remember getting your books off the Normandy when we got to Earth and I don't recall you carrying any when you jumped onboard."

She grins at him, "I told you I love to read. Growing up on various stations, I learned to hide caches of books multiple places so I'd always be able to find **something**. This is a book from the twentieth century called 'Outhbound' by Mercedes Lackey. There's a song in it that has stuck with me since becoming an officer: 'The Price of Command.' I've never actually heard the music to it, so I just think of it as a mantra to remind me of the high cost of being in charge."

"Huh. Why don't you tell it to me, Lola?"

Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and begins to chant:

"This is the price of commanding - That you always walk alone, Letting no one near To see the fear That's behind the mask you've grown. This is the price of commanding."

He can see the emotions flicker over her expression as she speaks. The first stanza reminds him how she's always there for others but never seems to have anyone to confide in. How she lets it all build up inside, trying to be strong since everyone's depending on her, and how she tries to hide it when she's broken.

"This is the price of commanding - That you watch while your dearest die Sending women and men To fight again, And you never tell them why. This is the price of commanding."

Another stanza, another glimpse into her heart. Mordin sacrificing himself to bring hope to the Krogan. Thane risking his life to help her stop Kai Leng. Ash, who she had to abandon to save Kaidan.

"This is the price of commanding - That mistakes are signed in red And that you won't pay But others may And your best may wind up dead. This is the price of commanding."

Here he can't help but think of his last command and the loss of his men, even though Shepard said she didn't think it was his fault. Lieutenant Victus also comes to mind from their mission on Tuchanka, but he did pay to try and make up for his mistake.

"This is the price of commanding – All the deaths that haunt your sleep. And you hope they forgive And still you live With your memories buried deep. This is the price of commanding."

Weariness and sorrow are etched into every word of this verse. He can't help but notice the dark circles under her eyes and he's seen her too many times roaming the halls in the darkest hours of night. Haunted definitely fits the look she has sometimes when she thinks no one is watching her.

"This is the price of commanding – If you won't, others will. So you take your post, Mindful of each ghost – You've a debt to them to fill. **This** is the price of commanding."

She emphasizes the last line and falls silent for a few moments, eyes still closed. He studies her face and can't help but think how lucky he is to be sitting with this amazing woman. Everything she just said she has taken to heart and lives by; duty and honor define her very soul. Not only is she everything a good commander should be, she's not afraid to get her hands dirty, willing to do whatever she orders her subordinates to do. To top it all off, she's **damned** easy on the eyes: that fiery red hair a match for her burning spirit, violet-grey eyes that sparkle when she laughs, tits that would fit perfectly in the palms of his hands, muscle enough to throw his hulking mass but not so much that she loses her feminine curves, and that ass...

He's been letting his eyes roam over her body when he suddenly realizes she's watching him checking her out. A blush creeps up to his ears and he clears his throat as she asks, voice filled with mirth, "See something you like, Vega?"

"Um, yeah... I mean, NO... I mean... I better go get down to the mess and make sure Esteban doesn't need help with cooking." He jumps to his feet, pants feeling a bit tight as he rushes for the door.

"James, wait!" Shepard lunges forward to grab his arm and he stops dead in his tracks, looking over his shoulder at her. Her voice drops to a whisper, "Thanks for sending Steve to check on me last night. I don't know how you knew I needed it, but it helped."

He gives her a warm smile and says, "Any time, Lola."

She relaxes her grip and lets her fingers trail down his arm, voice even quieter, "You know... you'd be welcome to come here when I need someone... if you're willing to put up with my whining." Her gaze drops, not sure she wants to see what he thinks of that admission.

The heat that comes from the sensation of her touch on his arm makes him shiver. He turns and gently reaches out, tilting her chin up so he can stare into her eyes, "I'd be honored to catch you when you fall, Lola. Don't think there's anything you could say or do that would make me turn away from you."

Licking lips suddenly gone dry, Kaylin doesn't know what to say. James' gaze locks on the motion of her tongue running over those soft lips and he wonders what they would taste like.

Just as he takes a small step closer and she lifts her face just a bit higher, EDI can be heard on the comm and they back away from each other, arms falling to their sides, "Commander, Admiral Hackett would like to speak with you."

Shepard takes a deep breath, collecting her scattered thoughts and states evenly, "Tell Hackett I'll be there shortly."

James is fidgeting and jerks his thumb over his shoulder, "I should get going. Thanks again for the advice, Commander."

Sighing, "It's Lola to you, LT. I'll see you at 2200." She delays to grab a data pad so that they won't have to ride the elevator together; she needs time to sort through what nearly happened.

The doors to the lift close and James begins to pace like a caged tiger. _ESTUPIDO! What the hell were you THINKING? So she's everything you've ever wanted in a woman and she looked so fucking kissable just now. She's still your CO and she's getting over the last guy she was with ripping her heart into tiny pieces and stomping on it. Even if trying to shag your superior was a good idea, now is __**damned**__ well not the time for her._ He slams his fist into the wall before leaning his forehead against the cold surface. _PENDEJO. Go take a cold shower and then help Esteban with the cooking. You can get plastered at the funeral, pass out and forget what a screw up you are._

* * *

><p>The appointed hour comes and the observation deck is overflowing with people trading stories about this comrade and that loved one, tears and laughter intermingled, liquor flowing like water, and songs rising to shake the walls. Shepard threads her way among the crew, stopping now and again to share a memory of the person being discussed or to simply offer condolences.<p>

Finally, her core team gathers in their own corner to remember their losses. Garrus and Shepard share a chuckle over the fact that Mordin thought they were hooking up and sent them both "diagrams of comfortably positions for both species, erogenous zone overviews and helpful demonstration vids." Everyone else in the group just stares agape before falling over with fits of laughter. Joker gasps, "HOW did I not find this out before?" Shepard lifts her glass, "Here's to Mordin!" Taking a shot of whiskey, she sings out in a patter, "He was the very model of a scientist salarian!"

Next come recollections of Thane: Garrus' admiration for his sniper skills; Joker's admission that even though he found him creepy, he was always a big help in a fight; EDI actually chiming in about how interesting she found his meditation rituals. Tears slowly fall as Shepard relates the prayer Thane spoke in the end for her soul. She raises her glass again, "To Thane! May Kalahira greet Her son on the distant shores." Another shot disappears.

Joker mentions Ashley Williams and how he would have risked a shattered pelvis for her. Her prowess in the battlefield and ability to down copious amounts of alcohol impressed Garrus. Liara recalls Ash coming around to talk to her, at first hesitant and distrustful, but eventually seeming to actually enjoy their talks about other races. Kaylin speaks of her pride in Ash for overcoming her dislike of aliens, the competitions they'd have over who killed the most enemies, her courage in the end holding the AA towers allowing Shepard to save Kaidan on Virmire. Pouring a double, she says, "To Ash! So here's to us!" The soldiers in the room all raise their glasses, "Who's like us?" They all salute and yell, "Damned few! And they're all dead!"

Every drink is drained to the dregs as Kaylin rubs her eyes. "Time for a song and then those with the early watch need to consider hitting the sack. It's an old Irish tune, 'The Parting Glass,' a custom at wakes in my family. EDI please play the music I asked you to look up."

"Of course, Shepard."

She clears her throat and begins softly singing in a soulful contralto,

"Of all the money e'er I had,

I spent it in good company.

And all the harm I've ever done,

Alas! it was to none but me.

And all I've done for want of wit

To mem'ry now I can't recall

So fill to me the parting glass

Good night and joy be with you all."

The room has fallen quiet as all the crew stand mesmerized by the site of their commander singing, eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

"Oh, all the comrades e'er I had,

They're sorry for my going away,

And all the sweethearts e'er I had,

They'd wish me one more day to stay,

But since it falls unto my lot,

That I should rise and you should not,

I gently rise and softly call,

Good night and joy be with you all."

The hush remains as, tumbler raised once more, Shepard says, "May God grant us peace and may the Devil take his due when we send the Reapers all to hell." Cheers all around as she finishes her last drink and slowly makes her way towards the elevator. _God, it's been a long time since I drank so much and whiskey was never my drink of choice, but you can't be at an Irish wake without a bit of whiskey. Hopefully it's enough to drown the nightmares and give me a good sleep._

She stumbles, falling towards the floor when two strong arms catch her. She blinks up at Vega, a smirk wavering in and out of her sight, "Can't handle your liquor, Lola? I'm disappointed in you." He lifts her to her feet, but one hand remains wrapped around her arm as he helps her to the lift.

Kaylin snorts and shakes her head, "I'd drink you under the table if it were rum. Prob.. probab.. I'd do it with the whiskey, too, if I'd actually eaten something today."

Mock-hurt, James guides her into the lift, "After Esteban and I slaved away behind a hot stove for hours. When DID you eat last?"

She leans against him, frowning with concentration, "I think about... 36 hours ago?"

Now its James' turn to frown, "Shit, Lola. You need to take better care of yourself."

Bristling she says, "It's not like I planned it! I had breakfast the morning before we arrived at the Citadel and then I planned on eating lunch at a little cafe in the wards, but Cerberus kinda nixed that. Then Kaidan pointed a fucking gun at my head and took forever to decide he trusted me enough not to shoot me... Then I told him to get off my ship and he begged me to stay." She bites back a sob, scrubbing at her eyes angrily, looking up at him to make sure he didn't see her crying over Kaidan. He manages to look away before she realizes he caught her moment of weakness. Her words pick up speed, "Then this morning, I had to take care of my burns and wasn't real hungry, so I went off to try and beg, borrow and steal some medical supplies; except I ended up giving away the stuff we had for trade for nothing in return because I have 'sucker' tattooed on my forehead. By the time I finished playing gopher, I was so exhausted I tried to take a nap only to wake up screaming from yet another nightmare. Any appetite I had was ruined, so I decided to lose myself in a book." She gulps a breath and blurts out, "Then you came up for a talk and I made a fool of myself by almost kissing you and then I couldn't go down to the mess for anything because I was afraid of making an even bigger fool of myself, so I started drinking alone until the time of the wake and I just wasn't hungry anymore." Verbal onslaught over, she buries her face in his chest.

James just stands there dumbfounded, staring down at the top of her head, wondering if he misheard her. _"I made a fool of myself by almost kissing you." No way did she just say that. I was the jackass taking advantage of her vulnerability to try and steal a kiss. She's not actually interested in me… is she?_ He bangs his head back into the wall. _Pendejo, it doesn't matter what she's saying now; she's drunk and you are __**not**__ gonna make a move. _One hand still holding her up by the arm, he slowly reaches up to stroke her hair with the other. "Don't worry, Lola. We'll get you settled in your room and I'll go whip up some of my abuela's huevos rancheros. We'll fill you up and tuck you in so you don't wake up completely hating life in the morning."

Fists wrapped in his shirt, Shepard hiccups a few times before nodding. The doors open and she tries to step off, but her knees buckle. Scooping her up, he walks into the cabin, leaving the lights off. She snuggles into his chest, arms wrapping tight around his neck, and he has to fight the urge to never let her go. He lowers her to the couch but she seems intent on not releasing her grip, "Come on, Lola. You gotta let go so I can make you some delicious food." Sighing from the tips of her toes, she lets go and curls up on her side. He brushes a stray lock of hair from her face, "Be back soon. I'll wake you up if you fall asleep." "OK," she murmurs, already drifting off.

* * *

><p>The time it takes to go down to the mess, throw together a giant batch of the eggs and bring them up seems to take forever. Setting the food on the table, he gently sits down beside her, watching her sleep. She mumbles incoherently at times, clearly upset about something in her dreams; her obvious discomfort makes it easier to wake her from the rest he can tell she needs.<p>

First he tries calling her name, but her only response is her head turning slightly towards the sound of his voice. Then he tries shaking her shoulder; that definitely garners a response as she rolls onto the floor in a defensive crouch, ready to strike out at the enemy. He freezes in place and says softly, "Kaylin, it's me, James. Relax, sit and eat something. You're safe."

Shepard blinks at him in the darkness, finally recognizing the man in her room. "James... sorry, I was..." She shakes her head to clear the last cobwebs of sleep, resumes her seat and takes a whiff of heaven. Her mouth waters instantly and she grabs the plate, beginning to shovel in the best tasting eggs she's ever had. Mumbling between mouthfuls, "James... this is... amazing! Maybe you... need to rethink... N7 and... become... a chef."

He laughs and sits back to enjoy watching her devour his handiwork. "Glad you like it, Lola. Any time you find yourself not hungry, let me know and I'll make you some. Can't let the commander starve, especially when I'm supposed to be watching over her."

Cheeks stuffed, she gives him a smile before polishing off the last bite, stopping to lick the plate clean. Sighing contentedly, she leans back, head lolling, "God, James. Any other talents you've been hiding from me?"

He smirks, tone suggestive, "I have a LOT of talents you have no idea about." Internally he cringes at his automatic response. _Stop flirting, dumbass._

Head rolling to the side facing him, she grins tiredly, "Perhaps I'll have to pry them out of you in the future. For now, I think I'm about to pass back out."

"Then I should hit the rack myself." Hands braced on knees, he begins to rise when she touches his arm, grin fading to something else he can't quite figure out.

"Please. Stay." She stammers, "Not in my bed, or if you want the bed I'll take the couch, but I really don't want to be alone tonight. The nightmares... have been getting worse."

She sounds so damned tired and vulnerable he can't say no. "I'll be fine over here. You get in that bed that's 'harder than it looks' and get some shut eye. Nothing will hurt you while I'm here."

Clearly she's struggling for the energy to get up, so he decides to risk holding her one more time so he can lift her up and into bed. Tenderly he tucks her under the covers and she makes a small sound of pleasure as she burrows into the bed. He grabs a throw off the side of the couch and stretches out where he can keep an eye on her.

Her eyes open again for a moment, glittering in the light from the tank, "You're a good man, James. A good friend. Thanks."

"Like I said, Lola: **any** time. Oh, I meant to tell you, the first verse of that song about being in command: it's BS. You don't have to be alone, you don't have to keep it all to yourself. Everyone on this ship cares about you. Your squad knows you're human and they'd gladly share your burden, but you hafta let them. Speaking for myself, I'll never abandon you; you'd hafta beat me off with a fucking stick to make me walk away from you." He stops for a second and chuckles, "…actually, a stick probably ain't big enough." His voice softens as he gazes into her eyes, "So, sleep well, Kaylin. You will always be safe with me."

The smile she bestows upon him is worth any pain, any night of uncomfortable sleep, any price. Her lids drift shut and she quickly falls into blissful stillness.


	4. Chapter 4: Rise and Fall

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

"Nothing Compares to You" by Aziatix

Verse Ia  
>Baby<br>Wait a minute  
>Took one look<br>Not known  
>Nothing in this world compares to you oh<br>A moment then a second  
>Is all I need for us to fall in love<br>If we can just fall in love

Rap I  
>Let me tell you no one can compete<br>This universe doesn't deserve to be up in your league  
>And no one truly knows what beautiful really means<br>When it's more than a miracle just seeing you in my dreams  
>We both know the you don't need to boast<br>No need to stand out  
>The kind that knows when to keep it low key<br>C'mon

Verse IIa  
>Something I gotta let you know<br>Baby you're just so beautiful

Chorus I  
>So amazing<br>So amazing yeah you are  
>What I've been looking for<br>Never seen a star so bright like this before  
>And I've been searching baby<br>Trust in me when I say that from here on out till always  
>Girl in this world there's nothing<br>I just wanna glimpse of your lovin' tonight  
>Oh oh<br>Nothing compares to you  
>Oh oh<br>Nothing compares to you  
>Oh oh<br>Nothing compares to you  
>Oh oh hmm<br>Nothing compares to you

Verse Ib  
>Baby know I mean it<br>When I say you and me there's  
>Something special here that feels so right<br>I can't deny that you're mine  
>Lady, the one and only<br>That makes me wish I now was so in love  
>If we can just fall in love<p>

Rap II  
>Nothing compares to my baby<br>Truth about it maybe  
>Smile with style so wild it makes me crazy<br>If I don't feel you daily  
>Is all that it make me<br>Put my life on the line if that's where it takes me  
>Son who's the star girl<br>You're the brightest, fliest  
>Heaven looks up where the sky is<p>

verse IIb  
>Something I gotta let you know<br>Baby you're just so beautiful

Chorus II

Bridge  
>Affections can't compare from your feet to your hair<br>From the way your stare baby girl there's nothing  
>Nothing nothing nothing oh<br>I sit back here and think for the rest of my years  
>But it oh so clear that there is nothing<br>Nothing nothing nothing  
>Nothing compares to u<p>

Chorus III

* * *

><p>Waking up from a dream he <strong>really<strong> shouldn't be having while in the commander's room, James glances at said commander to ensure she's still sleeping and then stands to try and adjust the incredibly tight fit his fatigues seem to have decided on. _Get it together, Vega. You really want her to wake up and see the hard-on you got from imagining her spread... STOP IT! Not helping. Focus on some disgusting shit: Garrus naked, climbing out of the belly of a thresher maw, a krogan and a salarian getting it on... _His thoughts are distracted by movement in the bed and mumbling. Worried that she's having a nightmare and wondering if he should wake her if she is, James moves towards her. _She looks so..._ he can't even find the words to describe the peaceful image of her sleeping. Every now and then she's letting out these small sighs that make his pants feel that much smaller and the hand he can see is rubbing at her chest. Unable to look away, he works to memorize her face like it is right now: relaxed, mouth just slightly open, head tilted slightly back... _Wait... did she just __**moan**__?_ And then she gives this sexy whimper and murmurs, "Oh James..." her body arching just a bit and he has to turn around and head for the bathroom, unable to watch anymore for fear he'll lose control and given into the urge to make her apparent dreams a reality.

Bent over the sink, he splashes cold water on his face and then stares at himself in the mirror. _Doesn't matter that she's moaning your name. Doesn't matter how much you want to make love to her and hear her __**scream**__ your name. She's off limits... at least for now. The major fucked her up by not trusting her. There's no way she's ready for another relationship yet and you know you wouldn't want to just fuck her and run. The only reason she's saying your name is because you're the only human guy on her team... Esteban doesn't count since he's into dudes... and you treat her right. She's lonely and went to bed drunk, so it makes sense that if she's gonna have sex with someone in her dreams it would be the guy she just spent months with all day every day. Don't take it as an invite to jump her bones. _

He may have convinced his head, but his body is **not** catching on and he feels like he's got the worst case of blue balls ever. Peeking out to make sure she's still asleep, James decides he should be safe enough taking a quick shower to relieve some stress. He closes the door and strips, turning the water on hot. _Never could stand a cold shower. _He finds a bottle of soap and sniffs; the scent of cinnamon and apples assails him and he inhales again. _Yeah, she smells like mom's apple pie, so hot and delicious you want to eat it all up... _Pouring a generous handful, he begins to stroke himself, covering himself in her scent, pretending it's her hand bringing him pleasure. He loses himself to the moment.

* * *

><p>Shepard slowly drifts out of the haze of one of the best dreams she's had in ages; she runs her hands over herself then stretches languorously, relishing how relaxed she feels. Then her brain catches up with the fact that James was staying the night on the couch and she bolts upright, afraid he may have noticed her behavior. She looks around, realizing he's nowhere in sight. <em>Thank God!<em> Briefly she's upset that he left when he promised to watch over her (_at least I think he did; not allowed to drink like that again without eating first) _but the sound of running water reaches her and she's grateful, believing he must have missed any inappropriate acts on her part. _He's earned a chance at a shower in private for putting up with me last night. _She smiles and then her thoughts drift to images of him **in** the shower and she gives a frustrated groan. _Stop acting like some hormonal teenager! It's beginning to look like you have a fetish for dating subordinates. Plus, James deserves better than you using him for some stress release. _She glances at the bathroom door again._ …though if he has half as much stamina in bed as on the field…_

Hands raking through her hair, she gets up and changes hurriedly to try and hide any evidence of her extreme enjoyment of last night's dreamtime adventures. Just in time as the water shuts off. She takes a swig from the glass of water he brought up with the eggs and tries to look relaxed as he comes out of the bathroom.

James steps out to make sure she's still ok, toweling off his upper body, sure that she's still asleep. Except, there she is, eyes widening a bit as she stares at his chest, checking out his tats. "Uh, hey Lola. Woke up feeling kinda grungy, so I hoped you wouldn't mind me freshening up a bit so I didn't knock you over with my funk. Sorry if I disturbed you."

Hard pressed not to go lick the water droplets off his skin if only to wet her very dry mouth, Kaylin smiles. "No problem, James. After having to babysit me, you're entitled to a bit of private time." The smell of apples hits her from several feet away and she chuckles, "Though I think you went a little overboard with the soap; a little goes a long way. Half the crew's going to wonder how you fell in a vat of cider on ship."

The words "private time" make him wince and a blush starts spreading from the top of his head down. _SHIT! Did she hear me?_ He stands frozen by the certainty she knows what he was doing in the shower.

The steady expansion of his flushing catches Kaylin's eye and she can't help but let her gaze follow the path as it goes down his chest (_I thought only fair skinned girls like me blushed this bad)_ and over his rock hard abs then... _Shepard, can you make it __**any**__ more obvious that you're checking him out. Apologize for being an idiot last night and get him the hell out of here before you do something colossally stupid._

Forcing her eyes up to a point just over his shoulder, Shepard folds her hands behind her back at parade rest to keep herself from fidgeting and clears her throat. "Look, LT. I want to say I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday. If you want to file charges for harassment I'll understand and put you in touch with someone up the chain."

"Huh?" He stares dumbfounded, wondering what the hell language she's speaking because he has no earthly clue what she could be talking about. "Ma'am?"

Sighs, "Last night when I was drunk and I told you that I had inappropriate thoughts about kissing you and then compounded problems by clinging to you like some love-struck teenager? If you want to press charges for sexual harassment or request a transfer…"

Her words finally sink in and he jogs down the stairs, interrupting her, "HELL NO! You are not getting rid of me that easily, Commander. No transfer and you'd have more grounds for charges against me than I do for you. You were drunk, lost several friends, and the major left you, so I think we can just chalk it up to you being a bit off your game and move on."

Relief floods her face before she schools it back to her usual calm demeanor. "Thanks, James."

"Sure, Lola. I should probably be heading out. You probably want to hit the shower and get ready for the day." He heads for the exit, needing some space to get himself back under control.

"James." He turns back and she waves at his bare chest with a smirk, causing him to look down, "You might want to finish dressing or the crew will get the wrong idea."

Grinning sheepishly as he rubs the back of his neck, he ducks into the head to grab his shirt and shrug it on. "I'll, uh, see you later, Shepard."

"Later, Vega."

* * *

><p>After a long, thorough shower, Shepard makes her way to the cockpit to make sure Joker's got them underway for Mesana.<p>

"Great party last night, Commander. Who knew you could sing like that!" Trying to look innocent and failing miserably, Joker looks up at her, "Sooooo, rumor has it the lieutenant was seen hauling food up to your quarters last night and then he never made it to his rack."

Expression hard enough the carve diamonds, she looks him square in the face, "The gossip chain better soon be talking about the fact that the commander's bodyguard decided she over-indulged last night after a bad week and took it upon himself to stand watch in case she got sick and needed help."

Hands raised to ward off the death glare, Joker chuckles nervously, "I'm sure that's what they'll be saying when they aren't raving about how awesome the commander is for all the free booze."

She rubs her forehead and relents, "All right, Joker. Enough sucking up. Let me know when we hit system."

"Sure thing, Commander."

_Next stop, mess hall._ Noticing more than a few people looking like they wished the lights were dimmer, she muses_ If Cerberus managed to do one thing right, whatever they did to make me heal faster is definitely worthy of praise this morning. I should have the hangover from hell but instead I barely have a headache. Those phenomenal eggs James made me eat probably helped, too._

Small head shake. _I think I better start taking other people out for the next few missions. Get some distance, some perspective. NOT fall into the same trap as I did with Kaidan. James and I spent so much time together when I was locked away that it's natural I'd form an affection for him. He's the only thing that kept me sane when they took away my ship, my crew, my rank. He's the only one I had to talk to besides Anderson; Joker dropped in a few times, but otherwise there were no visitors, not even Kaidan, though he could have come if he wanted._

Another head shake. _Stop thinking about Kaidan! He's gone and you need to move past him. And NOT with James, even if he is an amazing soldier, fun to talk to, and has a body that could rock your world… Down girl. Galaxy to save, remember? No time for being human. Focus on keeping your people alive and not on starting something you probably won't live to finish._

Perusing the breakfast options, she decides to fill a plate with cinnamon French toast smothered in syrup and topped with bananas along with a second plate of fruit. _Besides, who says James would even be interested? You're a stick with muscles, not much in the way of a girlish figure; he probably likes an hour-glass, not a scarecrow. Plus, what have you got to offer in the way of a future? You said it before: everyone you get close to drops dead while you manage to cheat the reaper; you don't want that happening to James. He's special…_ Realization smacks her upside the head as it dawns on her that that hulking marine somehow managed to sneak his way into her heart. The headache goes from manageable to someone driving icepicks through her skull; she starts to massage her temples. _Keep him at arms-length. He deserves better than the broken husk you've become._

Food tasting like ashes in her mouth, she begins the painful task of resurrecting the wall around her heart.

* * *

><p>"Frozen" by Within Temptation<p>

I can't feel my senses  
>I just feel the cold<br>All colors seem to fade away  
>I can't reach my soul<br>I would stop running, if I knew there was a chance  
>It tears me apart to sacrifice it all but I'm forced to let go<p>

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?  
>Can't tell the reasons I did it for you<br>When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you  
>You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?<p>

I can feel your sorrow  
>You won't forgive me,<br>but I know you'll be all right  
>It tears me apart that you will never know but I have to let go<p>

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?  
>Can't tell the reasons I did it for you<br>When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you  
>You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?<p>

Everything will slip away  
>Shattered pieces will remain<br>When memories fade into emptiness  
>Only time will tell its tale<br>If it all has been in vain

I can't feel my senses  
>I just feel the cold<br>Frozen...  
>But what can I do?<br>Frozen...

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?  
>Can't tell the reasons I did it for you<br>When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you  
>You say that I'm frozen, frozen...<p>

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: The second part of this story just didn't want to come out. Hope it turned out ok<em>


	5. Chapter 5: Building Jericho's Walls

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's note: Sorry, some of this is a rehash of bits of the previous chapters as James talks about it; I tried to give some more of his perspective._

"_Dis and ass" is "disassembly and assembly._

_I want to thank those who are reading. It's nice to know my first foray into writing isn't a flop._

* * *

><p>Guarded" by Disturbed<p>

Guarding yourself from the love of another  
>Left you with nothing tonight<br>Why does it sound like the devil is laughing  
>Leaving me haunted tonight<br>You did decide

Now I want you, when you're gone, and now it's like  
>You're holding something just in front of me<br>Well then, I can't allow this to become another  
>One of those times that I'm left in the cold, dead<br>There's no compromise  
>Just another tie<br>I know I need to sever

Guarding yourself from the love of another  
>Left you with nothing tonight<br>Why does it sound like the devil is laughing  
>Leaving me haunted tonight<br>You did decide

Ever haunted, by the trappings of this life  
>Sweet redemption, just in front of me<br>Well now, it seems once again that I've lost another  
>One of the one's that have broke through the wall<br>Damned  
>Fate won't compromise<br>I have sold my soul,  
>And now the devil's laughing<br>You did decide

You were bold and strong, and ready to begin your life  
>All for nothing, you were sacrificed<br>You began alone, and so it will be when you die  
>All for nothing, will you be remembered?<br>You did decide

Guarding yourself from the love of another  
>Left you with nothing tonight<br>So now you know why the devil is laughing  
>He left you with nothing tonight<br>You did decide

* * *

><p>In the shuttle bay, Shepard loads up her gear for the drop to the Ardat-Yakshi monastery on Mesana. James starts putting on his armor as well, looking forward to another fight, when she calls out, "Sorry, Vega. You're sitting this mission out."<p>

"WHAT? Come on, Shepard. Just because it's a bunch of biotics doesn't mean I'm not good to go."

"I've been dragging you to every hell-hole out there lately and you should have some down time." He tries to interrupt but she plows on ahead, "Besides, the others need their share of practice, too, if they're to stay in top form to fight on Earth."

"Whatever you say, Commander." Putting his arm guard down with a distinct clang, James turns away, cursing under his breath. He beings dis and ass of his weapons, trying to ignore Edi and Liara discussing why this particular group of Asari are locked away in no-mans-land; turns out they can freaking drain the life from you when you screw. _Talk about Black Widows._

The shuttle lifts off and he gives up trying to pretend he's not totally pissed at being benched. _I get taking Liara: she's an Asari, so she knows what the hell to expect. But EDI's gonna be useless and when we hit Earth she'll probably be busy helping Joker blow Reapers out of the sky and won't need face-to-face combat experience. _He kicks the hanging bag hard enough to slam it into the wall. _It's like she's punishing me for something. She knows how much I love kicking ass and taking names; that __**is**__ my down time._ He proceeds to beat the crap out of the bag, even managing to tear the cover enough that he has to hunt up materials to fix it.

* * *

><p>Returning from the surface, Shepard disembarks from the shuttle, instinctively looking at James' work bench, but he's nowhere in sight. <em>It's for the best. Distance so he'll be as safe as possible from the curse that I've become.<em> After stowing her gear, she makes her way to the CIC.

"Commander, I've got a lead on something interesting. Have you got a minute?"

"Sure thing, Traynor. What did you find?"

"A group of Cerberus scientists cut ties and fled. Perhaps they finally realized they were on the wrong side. We don't know what they were researching, but they were among the Illusive Man's top scientists. They could help build the Crucible."

"Maybe we could recruit them. Lots of Cerberus people think they're doing the right thing." Resignation in her voice, "I know I did."

Traynor faces her with a look of gratitude, tone earnest, "And you were right, Commander. Whatever crimes Cerberus is committing now… I was on Horizon when the Collectors attacked."

Shepard blinks in shock; so many civilians lost their lives that day, it's amazing to meet someone she actually saved. "Really?"

"You'll recall I mentioned growing up in the Terminus Systems. I was visiting my family at home. While the Alliance was running studies, **you** were saving me and my family."

"Glad you made it out, Traynor. You've be an invaluable addition to this crew. Has the Alliance made contact with the scientists?"

A blush highlights Traynor's cheeks as she continues, "They've been unable to find them, but they're searching… as is Cerberus."

"You've found them?"

"I believe so, yes."

"Nice work. Put it on the map and I'll give it a look."

"Thanks for your time, Commander."

Studying the various hot spots on the map, she decides to go track down the scientists now before Cerberus can lay hands on them again. "Joker, set course for Arrae and give me a thirty minute heads up for making orbit."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

First stop to Javik, letting him know he's up for the mission to find the scientists. Surprisingly, he's not in his usual hiding spot near engineering. _Guess I'll find Garrus, then hunt Javik down._

Passing through the common area of the crew deck, she glimpses Cortez and Vega having a discussion but she continues on to the main battery only to discover Garrus isn't in his normal haunt either. _Did I not get the memo about the hide-and-seek tournament today?_

She walks back out to the commons to ask if anyone knows where to find her wayward crewmates, but stops to enjoy the discussion of the merits of various surface exploration craft.

James is straddling a chair, folded arms resting across the backrest, "I've always loved the M-35 Mako. It's got heart, you know?"

Cortez leans back and waves a hand dismissively, "Oh, come on! The M-44 Hammerhead is **vastly** superior."

Disgust clear in his expression and tone, James scoffs, "Come on, that thing is made of tissue paper. At least the Mako can take a few hits."

"I'd hope so! That thing handles like a drunk rhino. No agility whatsoever!"

"More like a bull… that can climb and climb for days."

Cortez rolls his eyes, "It only climbs because of its stupid, vertically aligned mass effect fields. Jump or stick, no speed, no lateral movement…"

"Hey, with a cannon like that, who needs to move?" James chuckles.

"If you want that, why don't you just stick with the old M-29 Grizzly?" Cortez gives a derisive chuckle.

Mildly hurt, James comes out sounding defensive, "Hey, I love that tank."

A fond smile graces Cortez visage as he laughs, "Ha. You **would** be one to love grizzly bears, Mr Vega."

Joining in with the laugh, James looks somewhat puzzled, "What… What's so funny?"

_You're a bear yourself, James: grizzly bear on the outside –intimidating and fierce – but teddy bear on the inside – warm, caring, and always there for a friend. _Trying desperately to hide her own smile, Shepard steps up. "Sorry to interrupt. Have you guys seen either Garrus or Javik? I need to brief them on our next mission."

Cortez looks up over his shoulder and smiles, "I saw the two of them with Ensign Copeland in the port observation deck."

All humor has disappeared from James face as he asks coldly, "So, I'm grounded again, Commander?"

The lines of her mouth harden and her voice becomes that of the distant superior, "Since when do I need to explain my decisions to you, Lieutenant?"

Frowning, Cortez looks back and forth between the two, sensing a new tension where there had always seemed to be such camaraderie. Vega swings himself up out of the chair, bristling, "Did I do something wrong, Commander? Last I checked I was the best damned soldier in your squad, saving your ass more than once."

A hush falls over the room as the temperature drops several degrees from the ice radiating from her core. "You're out of line, Lieutenant. You question me again and you're off this ship at the next damned station. Now get out of my sight."

Kicking the chair out of his way, James stalks off with barely-leashed rage apparent in every line of his body. Shepard stares after him for a moment before realizing every eye is on her. Tone losing some of its frigidity, she says, "Carry on, everyone." The crew make themselves scarce, not wanting to draw her ire. A hand comes to rest gently on her shoulder, Cortez's worried gaze searching her face, words pitched for only her to hear, "What's going on? You two usually get along like peas in a pod." He's not sure if he imagines the flicker of pain in her eyes.

Weary beyond all measure from the encounter, Shepard whispers, "Not up for this topic right now, Steve. Could you please make sure he doesn't blow something up?"

Squeezing her shoulder, he nods. "I'll get him calmed down. Oh, Shepard?"

"Yeah, Steve?"

"The next time you blow up a monastery, let me know you've left the premises, okay? I worry about you," he says affectionately.

She gives him a tired half-smile, "Yes, Dad."

Leaving him chuckling and shaking his head, she goes to port obs. Garrus and Javik are trading stories about battle with Ensign Copeland as a fascinated audience. "But it's evil, "Copeland interjects.

Garrus just gives him a pitying look, "When has that ever mattered in war?"

"Yeah, but… converting other life-forms into Reapers? I can't wrap my head around that."

"Makes sense to me. It ensures you never run out of cannon-fodder. Eliminates any local resistance… and for every soldier you add, your enemy loses two: the one you converted and his buddy on the other side who can't pull the trigger on a friend."

"You sound like you admire them."

"Same way I admire a virus or a thresher maw: they've adapted perfectly to their situation."

Indignant, Copeland blurts out, "But the Reapers want to destroy us."

"And I have no intention of letting them. But if you don't respect your enemy's capabilities, you're in for one nasty surprise after another."

"Garrus is right, Ensign." She steps fully into the room and Copeland snaps to attention. "At ease. You don't have to like your enemy, just be willing to admit their strengths. Now, if you'll excuse us, I need to speak with these two about an up-coming mission."

Once the soldier clears the room, she gives them a briefing about the scientists and the need to try and bring them in alive. While Garrus asks a few specific questions and says he'll be ready, Javik, naturally, has his take on things he feels the need to share.

"They have already betrayed one master. What makes you think they will be trustworthy if you convince them to join your alliance?"

"I'll assess whether they're a possible asset, but I believe they are like me: they saw the insanity of what Cereberus was becoming and left before it was too late."

"You are too trusting, Commander."

"Not everyone is an enemy, Javik, and sometimes a person just needs a second chance. EDI will let you know when to meet in the shuttle bay."

Walking away from the headache arguing with him always seems to evoke, she heads for the quiet of her room, hoping to take a quick shower and catch some shut-eye.

* * *

><p>Cortez finds Vega giving a savage beating to the punching bag, everyone else in the area having fled at the evidence of his fury. A tornado looks like it ripped through the alcove, so he sets about organizing things while James continues his assault.<p>

"James, want to tell me what that was all about?"

Growling through his teeth, "She keeps fucking putting me on the side-lines like a second-string loser. And that bullshit about the others 'needing practice'…" He snarls and kicks the bag so hard it swings over the top of the bar it's attached to, stand barely remaining upright.

"Easy there, grizzly bear."

James rounds on him, chest heaving with the efforts of his labored breaths, fists clenching repeatedly. "She's got no cause, man! I've done everything right other than that snafu on Mars. She knows I'm not going to let anything touch her while she's lining up a shot. None of the rest of them can have her back like I do except maybe Garrus, but he prefers the long-range shot like she does. It's like she's fucking punishing me for being in love with her!" His fists slam down onto the counter top, a roar of pain and anger breaking from his throat as his shoulders hunch over, head hanging low.

Steve sighs and comes around the other side of the table. "What happened the night of the wake? Everyone knows you stayed in her quarters that night, though Joker did his level best to make it sound like you were a guard dog and nothing more."

James plops down on a crate, elbows on knees, hands scrubbing at the top of his head. He sounds dejected as he mutters, "We didn't do anything that breaks regs, if that's what you're asking. She was drunk, heart-broken because of that asshole Alenko, and suffering from the loss of her friends; there's no way I'd take advantage of any lady in that state, much less her. Earlier in the evening though… we hung out for a bit before the wake, just shooting the shit like we used to back when I really was her bodyguard. Anyway, she caught me checking her out and things got awkward, so I went to leave. Then she goes and grabs my arm to thank me for sending you up to console her the other night." He looks up, but he's clearly seeing a memory as one hand traces the path her finger took down his arm. The volume of his words drops and Cortez has to move closer to listen, "She told me she'd be good with me being the one to comfort her if I could 'put up with her whining.'" Head shaking with disbelief, "As if that woman knows how to complain or doesn't have every damned right to with all the shit everybody seems to shove at her. Anyway, her stroking my arm had me feeling all heated up…"

Stunned, Steve asks, "She was stroking your arm?"

Eyes closing at the remembered sensation, the corners of his mouth curve up slightly, "I don't think she was doing it on purpose, just… she wasn't thinking, ya know? So with her touching me and then looking fucking hot licking her lips, I was getting ready to kiss her when EDI piped in. Kinda killed the moment, so I beat a retreat before I made a complete ass of myself. Later, when I was helping her back to her room after the party, she said **she'd** almost kissed **me!** Couldn't believe my ears. Never thought she'd look at me like that in a million years! I mean, we flirt and all, but she's just… **her**. Cool under pressure, compassionate, sexy, smart, toughest chica I know – hell, toughest anyone I know; she's perfect. Why the hell would she be interested in a screw-up like me?"

Cortez just listens, James obviously needing to get this off his chest.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Vega grunts, "After making her eat something I tried to go but she dropped her guard, looking all vulnerable, and asked me to stay 'cause I might make her nightmares think twice about showing up. Couldn't leave her like that, right? When I wake up she's still sleeping, but I can hear her moaning and it's my **name**, man. Almost lost it; that sound had me ready to go in a second flat. Took a quick shower to clear my head and she's up when I come back out."

"I wondered why you smelled like her that morning," Steve murmurs.

He laughs self-consciously, "Yeah, kinda used too much of her soap; she teased me about it. Then it's like she flipped a fucking switch because she's all serious and asking if I want to charge her with harassment. Like I'm going to be upset by her coming onto me? Since then, she's been avoiding me and now I'm stuck on board while she takes everyone else out but me."

Hurling himself back to his feet, pacing back and forth like a caged panther, growling, "What am I supposed to think? One minute it seems like she wouldn't shoot me if I made a move, then I'm shit on the bottom of her boot she can't get rid of fast enough! She's killing me!"

"Look, James. You said it yourself: she's still trying to get over the major plus the death of her friends. Add in the fact that she keeps having to play politics to get people to join in the fight and she hates wasting time talking about something that everyone should just get. Then, you factor in that the whole galaxy seems to think she's somehow going to pull off another miracle. It's no wonder she's giving off confusing signals to you; she probably can't figure herself out right now." Steve takes a seat on one of the boxes and motions for James to do the same, "You're making me nervous with all that pacing; sit."

Reluctant, Vega sits as ordered and just looks at Cortez, defeated. "So what am I supposed to do?"

"Give her time. I can tell she cares about you; she seemed a bit upset that you sent me and didn't come yourself when I told her you thought she could use a friend after Kaidan left. As far as not taking you on missions, I think part of the reason really is what she said and she wants the chance to gauge how the others handle a fight. I also think that maybe she's afraid."

Vega comes to her defense, "Shepard afraid? Of what? That woman can handle anything!"

Steve smiles sadly, "Of losing you, pendejo. If you're not out on a mission, you're here on the Normandy, one of the safest places right now. She doesn't have to worry that she'll have to stand over your broken body like so many others she's seen."

"I can take care of myself. And that doesn't explain why she's acting like an ice queen all of a sudden."

"If she cares about you half as much as I think she does, she's probably trying to find a way to put distance between you so she won't get hurt as bad when you inevitably fall." James opens his mouth but Steve lifts his hand to silence him. "Didn't say I think you're dead meat, but she thinks that everyone she cares about ends up dead while she lives on. So if she makes you hate her, you're safe."

James slams a fist down on his knee, "That's fucking loco!"

"I'd bet a year's pay in a card game against you that that's what she's thinking in driving you away. She may not have any physical scars since Cerberus brought her back from the dead, but she has a ton of emotional scars that she hides under lock and key. Give her time to realize she's making a mistake. Be there for her; she needs you whether she's willing to admit it or not."

They sit together in silence for a while before Vega stands and holds out his hand to Cortez for a shake. "Thanks man. I'll think about what you said."

Steve smiles and gives him a firm handshake. "You do that. But don't expect me to keep playing counselor to your sorry ass. I got enough on my plate as it is."

Good humor slightly restored, James heads for his rack with a parting shot at his friend, "Doing what? Fixing your puddle jumper and playing store clerk?"

"Someone's got to." The elevator doors close on any further words.


	6. Chapter 6: Haunted

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's note: This chapter definitely steps outside cannon, but so does any Vega/Shepard story._

* * *

><p>"Where Is The Edge?" by Within Temptation<p>

In the shadows it awakes the desire  
>But you know that you can't realize<br>And the pressure will just keep rising  
>Now the heat is on<p>

It's too late, there is no way around it  
>You will see for yourself many times<br>In the end you will give up the fight  
>It's unescapable<p>

'Cause you're losing your mind and you sleep  
>In the heart of the lies<p>

Where is the edge  
>Of your darkest emotions?<br>Why does it all survive?  
>Where is the light<br>Of your deepest devotions?  
>I pray that it's still alive<p>

It's the rule that you live by and die for  
>It's the one thing you can't deny<br>Even though you don't know what the price is  
>It is justified<p>

So much more that you've got left to fight for  
>But it still doesn't change who you are<br>There is no fear you'll ever give in to  
>You're untouchable<p>

'Cause you're losing your mind and you sleep  
>In the heart of the night<p>

Where is the edge  
>Of your darkest emotions?<br>Why does it all survive?  
>Where is the light<br>Of your deepest devotions?  
>I pray that it's still alive<p>

You can't stop yourself  
>Don't want to feel<br>Don't want to see what you've become

You can't walk away  
>From who you are<br>Never give in

Where is the edge  
>Of your darkest emotions?<br>Why does it all survive?  
>Where is the light<br>Of your deepest devotions?  
>I pray that it's still alive<p>

* * *

><p>Back stiff from being blown off her feet by an Atlas missile while rescuing Jacob and the scientists, Shepard decides to drop by to see Dr Chakwas for something to ease the pain. However, en route she comes across Garrus and James trading ever more outrageous stories of how amazing they are in battle. James claims to have hatched a Harvester egg and trained the resulting offspring to fly him around, while Garrus brags about his time as Archangel and helping to stop Saren.<p>

Finger wagging, "Doesn't count. You did that with Shepard."

"You're right. I was with Shepard. From the very beginning," Garrus smirks.

"That just means you're old," scoffs James.

They carry on in this vein for a bit, neither noticing Shepard leaning against a bulkhead several feet away.

"You've been through a lot, Scars."

"You giving up?"

"Nah, I got more. Just don't like to talk about it."

Both men go from boastful to brooding for a moment. "I understand. We've all got one of those," Garrus admits.

"Just one, huh?"

"Yeah, not every story has a happy ending."

Unable to remain down for long, James turns slightly mocking, "Except there was this one time I teamed up with a turian named Garrus Vakarian… He was pretty good with a gun, but he thought he was some kind of hotshot."

Mandibles flaring in mirth, "Yeah, I knew this wise-ass marine named Jimmy Vega – sounds like a pole-dancer on Omega – always got on my nerves. But the kid was all right. Had guts when it counted."

A shared tone of cockiness and respect marks their continued exchange. James utters, "And together they cured the genophage."

"And stopped Cerberus from taking over the Citadel."

"And finally kicked the Reapers from the galaxy and into the next."

"With a **little** help from their friends."

James smirks, "Nah, it was just us. But mostly me."

They fall silent as Shepard slowly claps, "Bravo for our saviors. If the Reapers are gone, we can all go home now, right? And, Lieutenant… that's the second time you've called me old. Better watch it or this grandma will have to hand you your ass again."

Vega straightens out of his slouch on the counter and gives her a shit-eating grin, "How 'bout now, Lola?"

Her eyes narrow slightly, "It's Commander to you, LT, and I have better things to do than teach remedial hand-to-hand."

Garrus stifles a chuckle. "Ouch, Jimmy. I think Shepard just questioned your expertise."

Grin wiped away, James takes a deep breath to help him keep his anger in check. _She's just trying to piss me off to make me back off. It ain't happening. You're not ditching me that easily, Lola._ He snaps off a salute. "I'll be happy to report for combat evals with you, ma'am."

A muscle in her jaw twitches and she forces herself to return the salute. "If you are so eager to receive a trouncing, report at 0430 tomorrow for a skills assessment."

She turns on her heel and stalks into medical. Dr Chakwas looks up and frowns with concern, "Is something wrong, Commander?"

"Yeah, doc. Took some damage when an explosion threw me on this last sortie. Could you maybe give me something for the pain, something that will also help me sleep?"

Frown deepening, she darkens the windows in the bay and motions Shepard to an exam bed. "Take off your shirt and let's have a look."

Kaylin flinches as the doctor prods her back and sides, a hiss escaping when a particularly sore spot is pressed. "Your armor apparently took the brunt of the concussive force, but you definitely sustained a few cracked ribs and perhaps a pulled muscle in the lower back. You'll need to take it easy for a day or two to let your body heal properly."

"I can't do that right now, Chakwas. Anything you can do to help things along or to at least make fighting less painful?"

Karin rummages through her medicine locker and hands Shepard a bottle of pills and a jar of cream. "Take one of the pills now and see how it affects your functionality; it may cause some drowsiness but on the whole you shouldn't notice any significant decrease in energy levels. If you take two, most people find it relieves all their pain and helps them fall asleep rather quickly. The cream has a muscle-relaxant in it that should ensure you wake up less stiff."

Pill swallowed, Shepard heads up for a video conference with Admiral Hackett; yet another request for the Normandy to accomplish a task no one else seems capable of completing. She stretches slightly as the holo fades out and notes that the pain has faded to a dull ache for the time being and her weariness could easily be chalked up to post-battle fatigue.

_Time to hit the rack. Why in the world did I tell James 0430? Who am I kidding… I'll be up long before then if these meds don't knock me out. Some days I wish I was an AI like EDI so I wouldn't have to face sleep._ A long, hot shower with the pulsation of water further soothing her aches away, she rubs a liberal amount of the cream into her sore back, pops a second pain pill and crawls under the covers. Sleep claims her quickly.

* * *

><p><em>Perimeter set and sentry watches assigned, Lieutenant Shepard makes the rounds of her men. It had been a bad day. They'd discovered a collapsed building that turned out to be the settlement's school; clearing the rubble looking for survivors only revealed the broken bodies of kids. A thorough search of the surrounding structures only further cemented the feeling of hopelessness that had descended with the discovery of the children. No clues arose as to how such massive destruction was wrecked. Rather than make camp in such a wretched ruin, they'd marched a few klicks away to a cluster of boulders and set up for the evening.<em>

_Now the young officer goes around to check on each of her soldiers. The words of General George Marshall ring in her head. "When conditions are difficult and the command is depressed and pessimistic, you must be cheerful and optimistic. When evening comes and everyone is exhausted, hungry, and in low spirits, put aside your personal fatigue, display energy in checking the comfort of your unit and prepare for tomorrow."_

_Everyone speaks in hushed tones as though afraid the ghosts of the town will take offense. Shepard tries her best to improve morale: offering a pat on the back, an inquiry about a picture in someone's helmet, a well-timed joke, finally breaking out the small bottle of rum she had in her gear and passing it around for anyone wanting a swig. Eventually the tension eases enough for those not on watch to sleep. _

_It seems like she just closed her eyes when she is woken for her round at 0200. Each shift is two hours with four people. This is the worst shift by far as most have trouble falling asleep tonight, thus limiting the sleep before starting, and a chance for less than two hours after the watch. She chose to be on now so that at least one more of her men could hope for some rest. Each of the four has a different quadrant to guard and she sets off to begin her patrol. _

_About forty-three minutes in she's climbed up atop one of the larger boulders to get a better view of the area when the ground explodes around the camp. Dust billows make visibility nil as screams ring out in the cool night air. Hulking shapes rise in the sky only to crash down to earth again. Gun fire erupts from all directions but seems ineffective as the creatures tear her command to pieces. A wind blows in from the north-east, providing a glimpse of the carnage and her first clear view of the enemy: some sort of giant worms are laying waste to the tiny humans in their midst. Her rifle comes up and she aims for what she assumes is the thing's head, firing off shot after shot. For all her efforts it just seems to enrage the beast she's chosen for a target and she is only partly successful in dodging the glob of spit it hurls at her. Acid burns its way through the armor of her left leg as she falls between two boulders, smaller rocks shifting to pin her. Unable to shift her prison of stone, she lies awake all night as the dying cries of her men echo in her ears, replaced by the sound of a siren blaring its warning._

* * *

><p>Sleep is slow to release its grasp as the sound in her dreams clarifies into the blare of her alarm clock, but she does not feel rested in the slightest. Blearily she scrubs the tears from her face and blinks at the clock: 0400. <em>What jackass snuck in and changed my alarm? <em>Thinking of how long she might have been trapped with the dead she relents._ Actually, I should find whoever it is and give them a fucking medal._ She stumbles to the shower, every ache amplified this morning, and turns on the hot water. Her brain has turned to sludge and her head throbs in protest of the light that is quickly doused. She crouches in the dark as the water sluices over her body, pain ebbing as the water cools.

* * *

><p>EDI's voice startles her awake from her slumped position. "Commander, Lieutenant Vega wishes to know if his combat eval is still on for this morning."<p>

"SHIT! I turned the damned alarm on for this awful hour. SHIT!" She scrambles to her feet, squeezing the water from her hair and forcing it back into a tight braid. "Tell him I was delayed but will be down shortly."

"Of course, Commander."

Ribs protesting the speed of her movement, she hefts the bottle of pain killers but decides she's done with the wretched things. _I have enough nightmares without chemicals keeping me from clawing my way out of them._ Slathering on some of the cream and binding her ribs, she races for the door.

* * *

><p>Vega paces back and forth in the middle of the shuttle bay after having already set up sparring mats, thoroughly stretched, done some reverse pull-ups and some push-ups. <em>Maybe Lola was just screwing with me about actually doing this and she just wanted to short my sleep.<em>

"Hey, EDI. Is Shepard awake?"

"She is awake, Mr Vega."

"Could you ask her if she's planning on making this morning's eval or if I can go back to bed?"

"One moment."

He continues his circuit of the room, arms swinging wide to limber up.

"She was delayed but will be joining you shortly, Lieutenant."

"Thanks, EDI."

As she steps off the elevator he can tell even from here that she looks exhausted. Dark circles ring blood-shot eyes, her skin is paler than usual and her clothes are disheveled. "Sorry to keep you waiting, LT. Let's get this show on the road."

Even though he's been looking forward to a rematch for a while now, he doesn't want it to be like this, not when a strong breeze could probably do her in. "Commander, maybe we should resched…"

Anger sparks in her tired gaze, voice sharp and mocking, "Afraid you'll lose, Lieutenant?"

Teeth grinding and fists clenching at her tone, James takes a step back and lifts his eyes to the ceiling before answering, "No, ma'am. Just want you to be at your best; I heard you got injured yesterday and I don't want to have an unfair advantage."

_He feels __**sorry**__ for me!_ Overwhelmed by wounded pride, she unleashes the beast within that's fueled by all the pain, anger and frustration she's been bottling up for months. Sneering, "You're just scared of being beaten by a girl again. Worried I'll walk away looking like more of a man than you? You need every advantage you can get against me, kid."

Her mockery strikes a blow to his ego, his rage rising to match hers. "Bring it on then, little girl."

They begin circling, eyes studying the other's movements, looking for weaknesses and anything that might telegraph their moves. They go back and forth with simple punches and kicks, gauging reach and strength. A novice could note the restricted movement in the right side of Shepard's upper body. He still has enough control over his anger to not attack that weak point, instead trying to sweep her legs.

Nimbly jumping out of the way, she jeers, "What's the matter? Too blind to see where to hit me and make it count? Or did the quartermaster fail to issue you a brain?" Her left fist starts to lash out at his jaw and he moves to counter only to discover it was a feint, her weight shifting onto her right leg, left hip twisting to deliver a sharp kick to his side.

He staggers a step and she dances back out of reach. _You may be quick, Lola, but starting with an injury to your chest is gonna tire you out fast._ He shuffle skips forward, delivering a snap kick with his right leg, but she manages to catch his foot between her crossed wrists, wrenching his body over towards his right side. _That was a mistake…_

He allows her to spin his body and uses the momentum of her throw to bring his left leg off the ground and strike the side of her head, sending them both crashing to the ground. Knowing the fall was coming, James manages to break the full force of the fall with his hands, swinging back around to face her.

Shepard is not so lucky, the blow stunning her such that she falls badly, body twisting so that she lands with her right arm jammed into her injured ribs. Silent scream, she struggles to breath, chest rising and falling swift as a hummingbird's wings, but no air finds its way to her starved lungs. Her vision begins to fade as the distant sound of James' panicked yells for her to stay with him cross the growing gulf between life and death. Blackness edges in to hide the desperation on his face as he scoops her into his arms and runs. Her mind drifts back to the last time she died, sunlight cresting over the edge of Alchera as she succumbed to her destiny. _Maybe this time I won't wake up. _There is peace in that thought as she slips away.

* * *

><p>He sees the blood bubbling on her lips, the sick fluttering of her chest as one side rises while the other falls. His arms cradle her as he runs, her eyes glazing over. "Don't you fucking die on me, Lola!"He's yelling for EDI to make the elevator move faster, for her to get the doc. The ride up is forever as she goes limp is his grasp. He's shouting for help as he hits the med-bay running. He lays her on a bed, hand clinging to hers as the medical team goes to work.<p>

Scans reveal what Chakwas knew on sight: her ribs have fractured in multiple places creating a flail chest, her lung is collapsed and Shepard's vital signs are failing fast. "Lieutenant, you need to let go so we can do our job."

"You can save her, right doc?" as he pries his fingers loose from her cold grip. The medics push him back and he tries to find a place in the growing chaos where he can still see her.

Expertly inserting lines and calling out orders, Chakwas spares James a sad glance, "I will do everything in my power to keep her alive. But she has to want to live and I'm not sure she does. It's like she's given up; she shouldn't be dying this quick."

He bows his head and begins to pray.

* * *

><p><em>Out of the darkness a thresher maw rises, blotting out the sun, screaming a challenge. A Reaper lands, the ground rocks with tremors, metallic screeching an answer to the beast. Bodies slam together, the world dissolves, and she's falling. A drum beats slower and slower in the heavens.<em>

_Mordin sings, hovering above her, and she reaches to save him, yelling to let her take his place. He smiles, "Someone else might have gotten it wrong," and he vanishes in a cascade of shimmering light. Still she falls. _

_Sword pierces flesh, blood sprays, Thane collapses; she screams for him, his lips are bloody, he whispers, "Siha. It is not your time to come to shore." He crumbles to sand and drifts away on a sea breeze. And still she falls._

_Waves breaking on the rocks, birds crying as guns fire, AA towers pass before her eyes. Ash salutes her as she goes by, "You made the right choice," she's blown away in a cloud of smoke. Shepard is falling forever._

_Bright lances of pain as she finally crashes down, the drum beat faltering. Fog wafting through the trees, moonlight on mist. Shadows dance, whispers of the dead, she's lost. Only the agony is real. _I deserve this._ Time stands still, the wraiths surround her, their cold hands reaching, their voices beseeching. They will wring from her the breath of life._

_A child runs, forlorn and frightened. She wants to save him but she cannot even save herself. The ghosts pull her down, down, ever down; the pain is waning as she falls; the drum is silent now._

_From the stars a voice is pleading, "Don't leave me… Please come back, Kaylin." She wants to believe he needs her, but she's terrified it's a lie. Tears flow like rain, soaking the parched earth. It would be so easy to sink into the depths, never to rise again, never to hurt again._

_Her dead ring her round, reaching to lift her back up. "Don't let our sacrifice be for naught."_

_The man in the sky breathes, "I love you."_

_Trembling, she raises her face to the heavens and a single throbbing beat pulses in the twilight._


	7. Chapter 7: Confrontations

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

"Ashes" by Five Finger Death Punch

_[V1:]_  
>You don't understand me,<br>and you probably never will  
>I got a tendency to self-destruct,<br>and a soft spot for the filth  
>A hair trigger temperament,<br>a switchblade for a tongue  
>I'm a walking one-man genocide<br>with a black belt in corrupt

_[Chorus:]_  
>Everything I touch turns to ashes<br>Falls away, it falls away  
>Everything I touch turns to ashes<br>It slips right through my hands

Love me, hate me  
>Isolate me every day that I'm alive<br>Straight up mentally unstable  
>You don't have to like my life<p>

_[V2:]_  
>I'm a jinx, a curse, some say, "the worst"<br>I'm a savage, rabid beast  
>I've been called so many fucking things,<br>it doesn't affect me in the least  
>I've stolen, lied, been crucified but I don't regret a thing<br>I'm an egocentric masochist with a sadist's point of bleak

_[Chorus:]_  
>Everything I touch turns to ashes<br>Falls away, it falls away  
>Everything I touch turns to ashes<br>It slips right through my hands

Love me, hate me  
>Isolate me every day that I'm alive<br>Straight up mentally unstable  
>You don't have to like my life<p>

Everything I touch turns to ashes  
>Falls away, it falls away<br>Everything I touch turns to ashes  
>It slips right through my hands<p>

* * *

><p>Joker, in concert with EDI, manages to shave hours off the flight to the Citadel and blows past normal docking protocol to meet an emergency team from Huerta Memorial. Shepard is rushed off to surgery, Dr Chakwas scrubbing in for the case due to her extensive knowledge of the modifications made to her body.<p>

James is forced to stay in the waiting room, pacing back and forth, his thoughts alternating between prayers for her survival and self-recriminations for hurting her. Several hours pass before Chakwas comes out to tell him Shepard did well in the operation, but that she'll be kept unconscious for a few days to allow her body time to heal. "I told the staff that you are her bodyguard, James. You'll be allowed full access except for any need to return to the OR. Even though she's sedated, you talking to her may strengthen her will to live."

He nods, rocking on his toes, quiet desperation in his voice, "Can I go back now? I need… I know you said she's good, but I need to see her."

She leads him to a private room; Shepard is on a ventilator, seemingly hundreds of tubes and wires attached to her body, nurses making adjustments to various bits of machinery. He dodges around them to find a spot near the side of the bed, gently taking her hand in both of his. Chakwas sounds tired and full of sorrow, "Take care of her, James. I'll be back in a few hours to coordinate with her physicians here."

He looks back over his shoulder, tone soft, "It ain't your fault, doc. She was looking for a fight and was going to get it one way or another."

She shakes her head, upset, "She never lets herself rest and heal; I **know** that but I let her go. She even asked for medication this time, a clue I should have insisted she stay overnight for observation. When she comes around, I will make sure she's grounded until fully recovered."

He chuckles wearily, "Good luck with that, doc. Easier to stop a Reaper than keep her down."

Gaze falling to Shepard, she smiles fondly, "True enough, James. True enough."

* * *

><p>Three days pass and various machines and tubes are discontinued as she recovers. The ventilator was removed yesterday and all sedation turned off at that time, but she still hasn't woken up. The nurses whisper amongst themselves when they think he can't hear that this is a bad sign, that maybe her brain was damaged from lack of oxygen. James sits at her bedside, stroking her hand and telling her stories of his family, some of the shit he got into before meeting her, anything that comes to his mind that he thinks she'd laugh at. The staff work around him: they learned quickly he wasn't going to leave except for basic bodily functions and he nearly punched out a doctor who tried to say he had no right to be there.<p>

The doors slide open and he glances reflexively to see who's there, though he fully expects it's just more medical personnel. When it registers who's standing there, his jaw clenches so hard his teeth grind and his muscles tense.

Major Kaidan Alenko rushes to her, taking her free hand, leaning over the bed to stroke her face, murmuring words James is too enraged to understand.

James snarls, "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Alenko?"

Kaidan's head snaps around in surprise, eyes quickly narrowing as he takes in the other man. "I could ask you the same thing, Lieutenant, and it's **Major** Alenko to you. Being overly familiar for a guard dog, aren't you?" He pointedly looks at James' hand holdings hers.

Rising, demeanor full of menace, he growls out, "You don't belong here, Alenko. You're a big reason she's like this."

Bristling, Kaidan's biotics flare, voice filled with anger, "Watch your tone, Lieutenant! How could I possibly be at fault when I wasn't there? As I hear it, **you're **to blame for her nearly dying."

Free hand curling into a tight fist, the hand holding Shepard's remains relaxed but firm, James pulls in deep breathes to try and keep his rage in check. "I'll have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. But you, cabrón, are why she's hurt. She loved you, pendejo, but you treated her like shit! If you loved her how could you ever think she'd turn traitor? How could you fucking walk away from the most amazing woman in the damned universe? You fucking broke her and that's why she doesn't care about living anymore." By this point he's shouting, trembling with fury.

Blue lightning arcs off Kaidan, air crackling with energy. His voice is cold and level, "**She** left **me**, two years ago and again after killing Udina. When she died, a part of me went with her and I never got it back. As for not trusting her, what the hell would you think if the woman you loved came back working for the same people she'd claimed to hate because of what they did to her men on Akuze?"

James snorts, "I'd give her a chance to explain it. Shepard could never betray the Alliance. You weren't there to see her wasting away when they grounded her and took her command. She's given everything she's got to the military - hell, the galaxy - and you fucking point a gun at her and keep it there after she put hers down! You don't fucking deserve to lick her boots much less be someone she used to love."

Kaidan sneers, "But **you** think you're worthy of her? Didn't think she'd be into brawn over brains, but maybe she just wants someone who will be blindly obedient."

Shoulders shrugging, James looks down at her face then back to the other man, wrestling his emotions into check. "I'd follow her into Hell if she asked and do whatever the fuck she needed from me. Why? Because** I** trust her. She needs someone by her side who believes in her and that ain't you, pendejo. Now leave, Major. You aren't welcome here." He makes the rank sound like something vile you scrape off your shoes.

Coming around the bed, Kaidan gets up in Vega's face, "And who are you to give me orders, Lieutenant?"

James stares him down, drawing himself into a more professional mien, "I'm her bodyguard and I say who has access. Get out, Major, and don't come back."

Nostrils flaring, Kaidan grits his teeth saying, "This isn't over," as he walks away.

Once Alenko is gone, James inhales deeply a few times to calm himself before resuming his seat beside Shepard. Through the entire exchange he never let go her hand and now he brings it up to kiss her fingertips, whispering, "Sorry, Lola. Maybe you would have wanted him here, but I couldn't stand the thought of him touching you, of him trying to win you back. I love you and I'm not giving you up that easily."

* * *

><p><em>She floats through the vastness of the universe, stars wheeling and spinning in their endless dance of light, trying to push back against the darkness. She bakes in the heat of suns, freezes in the cold between. Silence reigns during most of her travels, broken only now and again by the sound of his voice. <em>Amado, I am sorry I hurt you, forgive me… Mi corazón, fight… Mi vida, don't give up… Mi alma, **please** wake up… Kaylin, I can't live without you… _His entreaties draw her in, wrapping her with warmth, quickening the beat of life within._

* * *

><p>Rhythmic beeping greets her ears as she stirs to awareness. A sterile, antiseptic smell assails her and her nose wrinkles. Eyes open to a dimly lit room, her head turning to afford a better view: a screen with numbers and a line demarking heartbeats, pole with bags dripping fluid into tubes attached to her, and someone slumped in a chair beside her bed. Vision adjusting to the light, she can see it's James: several days-worth of stubble covering his jaw, clothes disheveled, face care-worn; her left hand is clutched in his as though he's afraid she'll disappear if he lets go.<p>

A tender smile graces her lips as she stares at his sleeping form. _It was his voice in the darkness, his words that kept me from surrendering to the night. How long have I been here and how long has he stayed by my side that he looks like this? _ She tries to sit up, but the stabbing pain through her chest causes her to gasp and fall back.

Instantly he wakes, lunging to his feet to lean over her, free hand reaching to cup her face while the other still clings to hers. He drinks her in as might a man offered water after weeks lost in the desert. Forehead coming to rest against hers, tears fall unheeded onto her cheeks as he whispers, "You came back to me." Her eyes widen, gaze trapped in his, her chin tilts up as she breathes his name, "James…" His lips find hers in such a gentle kiss, deepening with the need to reassure themselves this is real; they are each other's air. The cosmos revolves around them for a time.

Reality intrudes when medical staff arrive having noted the change in her vital signs. They force him back so they can examine her but he never relinquishes her hand. Suffering through the poking and prodding, the questions and inspections, she twines her fingers with his, finding comfort in his presence.

Finally the doctors and nurses leave with the admonishment that she needs to rest. He moves closer, raising their joined hands to press his lips to her skin. Her voice raspy from disuse and apparent abuse, "How long…?"

"Six days," his weary reply.

Brow furrowed, wracking her brain but the images are too jumbled, "What happened?"

Conjoined hands clutched to his chest, he hangs his head over them, voice despondent, "…I killed you."

"NO." Her denial is immediate and firm. Memory surfaces of her anger, her need to push him away so he could survive, of going into the sparring match knowing she was injured but unable to back down. "Chakwas had told me I needed to rest, to heal, but I let my stupid pride get the better of me. You even tried to give me a way out, but I refused. I goaded you into attacking because I couldn't stand your pity," self-loathing finds its way into her words. "I killed myself."

He raises his head to stare into her eyes, admonishing, "Stop it. Stop fucking beating yourself up, Lola. Stop trying to take everything on your shoulders. This time we're both to blame; I should have walked away but **my** pride wouldn't let me. I wanted to prove myself to you, that I can handle myself so you'd stop trying to keep me safe." Volume rising, "I'm a marine, just like you, damn it! Sitting on the sidelines is killing me, especially when I have to watch you run into danger like you don't fucking care if you make it."

She pulls her hand away, "I don't…"

Angry now, James vents, "You **do!** Whenever something needs doing where the person doing it might die, you volunteer. Your specialty is as a sniper, yet you constantly hurl yourself into the thick of it, not bothering to find cover sometimes if it will mess with your shot, even if you've got enemies attacking you. On Tuchanka, when we were trying to activate the hammer, you ran **right through the brutes** to get at the controls, leaving Garrus and I behind, no one to help you if more than one of them attacked you while we were pinned down below. You called me reckless after my stupid move with the shuttle on Mars; said I didn't care if I lived or died. Well, now that's you. When she was working to save you, doc said she thought maybe you had given up, that you were dying because that's what you wanted." He searches her expression, hoping she'll deny it.

Unable to bear his scrutiny, she turns her head away and closes her eyes. She whispers, "I'm really tired, James. Maybe you should go get cleaned up and get some sleep in a real bed."

Dumbfounded, he stares at the back of her head, wondering how they went from clinging to one another back to a giant wall between them. Sighing, feeling bone-weary and defeated, he stands and walks away, "I'll see you later, Shepard."

She watches his retreating back, biting her lip to keep from begging him to come back. _It's better this way. My love is a curse._ She cries herself to sleep.

* * *

><p>Two days later they release her from the hospital under the supervision of Dr Chakwas with strict instructions to take it easy for at least a week or two. They worked miracles patching her broken chest back together and she only feels the pain when she moves too fast or breathes too deep.<p>

She's touched by the welcome the crew gives on her return to the ship. A banner is strung up in the mess hall and they have a party to celebrate her good health. Shepard makes a point of spending a little time with anyone who wants her attention, but James is notably absent from this group. _Its better this way… right…_

* * *

><p>Sweat slicking blankets to skin, she bolts awake from yet another wasted effort at sleep, a little boy and shadowy figures fading slowly from her mind. The clock flashes 0242 and she scrubs at her face. T<em>wo and a half hours. Ugh. I need to clear my head. Maybe a long run will tire me out.<em>

Pulling her hair back into a ponytail, she slips into a sports bra and shorts, deciding against shoes. Shepard makes her way to the deserted shuttle area, stretches to loosen muscles unused during her stint in the hospital, and begins a steady jog. The slap of her bare feet against the metal floor lulls her into a mindless state of meditation for a time.

* * *

><p>Unable to relax, James decides on a work out, something to burn off this restless energy. His watch reads 0319. As he steps off the elevator, he finds he's not the only soul that needed release. She's making a circuit of the main bay, apparently oblivious to his presence, a fact he is just fine with as it avails him of the opportunity to just observe her.<p>

Gaze lingering on her face, there is a relaxed quality to her visage that you don't regularly see, though you'd be hard pressed to say she looks significantly tense during the day without having witnessed her like this. A fine sheen of perspiration makes her skin glow in the dim lights. Other than her time in the hospital he's never seen her without a shirt on and finds the image distracting; her breasts bounce just the slightest bit with each foot fall. Hands opening and closing, he stands mesmerized for a time. _Just the right size._

As she loops around, a hint of color on her shoulder blades pulls him out of his reverie. Squinting, a grin spreads, _I'll be damned… She __**does**__ have ink!_ He can't make out the two tattoos from this distance and the strap of her bra partially obscures them as well. _Have to convince her to take that off sometime so I can see her tats…_

Shifting to adjust the fit of his trousers, James continues his perusal. Well-defined abs show not an ounce of spare fat, slight flare of hips enough to provide a curve to her figure. _Mmmm, and that ass! You could bounce a quarter off it. _Long legs flexing as she runs, he loses some time in imagining them wrapped around his waist, his hands cupping that tight ass, her head thrown back as he nibbles at the hollow of her throat… He groans, clothes way too tight at the moment. _You trying to torture yourself, man? Now ain't the time to be picturing her in your bed. She's still not ready and you don't want to lose her again._

The memory of her lying on this very floor quickly kills his ardor. _Stop hiding like some sick perv and go talk to her._ As she swings into the stretch going away from the elevators he steps out of the shadows and hits the button so it will open as if he just exited. He calls out, "Hey Shepard. Didn't think I'd find anyone else here this early. Want some company?"

She looks over to find James leaning on Cortez's console as the elevator doors slide shut. "Think you can keep up with me, Vega?"

He's grinning as he falls into step with her, his words seeming to speak to more than just the run, "You couldn't lose me if you tried, ma'am."

She raises a brow and picks up the pace, "Is that so, Marine?"

Matching her step for step, "Even the big, bad Commander Shepard needs someone to guard her back."

She snorts, "And you think you're the Devil Dog to do it?"

His grin widens and he gives a bark. "Beware of Dog. Enter at your own risk."

Her laughter rings out, echoing back from the walls.

He basks in the sound and sight of her, relaxed and happy, something he hasn't seen recently. His voice softer, words like a caress, "It's good to hear you laugh, Lola."

A small shiver of pleasure travels up her spine and she runs from it, breaking into a hard sprint. James is taken by surprise, but pushes himself to pull even. After two laps, she drops into a slower cadence, aware that her self-appointed guardian wasn't built for prolonged speed, and not ready to lose his easy companionship tonight. She also feels the burn from lungs out of condition. _I need to get back in shape._

James admits to himself he'd have been hard pressed to keep up much longer, but he'd have died trying. The more sedate stride allows him to catch his breath. They continue on in companionable silence for a time, darting glances at each other when they're sure they won't be caught. They alternate between short, fast sprints and long, steady lopes. She breaks the silence during a slow run to sing a jody:

"Saw an old lady walking down the street…"

James grins and repeats every line as the pounding of their feet keep time to the words.

Shepard smiles and continues,

"Pack on her back, combat boots on her feet.

Said 'Hey old lady where ya going to?'

She said, 'Marine N-7 Training School.'

I said, 'Hey old lady, don't ya know?

N-7 school's for the young and the bold.'

She said, 'Hey young punk who ya talking to?

I'm an instructor at the N-7 school!'"

James laughs, "You choose that one because I keep calling you old?"

She smirks, "Maybe."

The pair calls out humorous jodies until they are both too winded to run anymore. As they walk to cool down, Shepard works up the courage to speak, "Hey Vega. Since the brass know I'm not up to form yet and won't let me do anything fun until Chakwas clears me, I have to attend this formal dinner with a bunch of dignitaries and corporate execs tonight to try and get more support for the war. Would you be willing to escort me?" She'd asked everyone else yesterday and they'd all made excuses as to why they weren't available. This event threatens to either bore her to death or drive her homicidal due to stupidity on the part of others and she is desperate for someone she can count on to keep her sane.

He blinks, surprise clear, "Uh… yeah. Sure. We wearing our dress blues?"

She sighs, "You will be. I've been asked to look more 'feminine' so I don't scare the civilians by looking intimidating."

He can't help but laugh. "Oh, this should be good, Lola!"

Mock-glaring at him, "Yuck it up while you can, mister. I fully intend to auction you off to the highest bidder among the lonely old ladies wanting a young buck for the night!"

His jaw drops, "You wouldn't…"

Smirking, "It's tempting. Your only salvation from that fate will be to ensure I stay entertained between mind-numbing conversations with rich snobs."

"I'll make sure you enjoy your time with me tonight," he replies.

"Meet me in the CIC at 1800."

"Sure thing, Lola."

* * *

><p>"Ready For You" by Hoobastank<p>

Go on  
>Make me feel it's useless<br>When in fact it's you that need to have me near  
>So now<br>Keep me at safe distance  
>And with a little persistence I'll make it crystal clear<p>

I'll be around  
>Only if you want me to<br>Be there by your side  
>I'm ready for you<br>I'll be around

What else am I supposed to do  
>So when you think it's time<br>I'm ready for you

Now you seem to be content with  
>A one sided friendship with you I've got to chase<br>Slow down so I can smell the roses  
>But the road you chose is crooked and unpaved<br>My tires are spinning but to no avail

That I'll be around  
>Only if you want me to<br>Be there by your side  
>I'm ready for you<br>Don't be afraid  
>Cause I know what you're going through<br>So when you think it's time  
>I'm ready for you<br>I'm ready for you

That I'll be around  
>Only if you want me to<br>Be there by your side  
>I'm ready for you<p>

I'll be around  
>Cause I know what you're going through<br>So when you think it's time  
>I'm ready for you<p>

_Author's note: Feedback is always welcome. I would also like to thank my new beta reader, CyanB, for helping with my occasional grammar issues and for helping clarify my vision for this story._


	8. Chapter 8: Dancing in the Stars

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

"Whatever Lola Wants" from the play _Damn Yankees_

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets  
>And little man, little Lola wants you<br>Make up your mind to have no regrets  
>Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through<p>

I always get what I aim for  
>And your heart and soul is what I came for<p>

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets  
>Take off your coat<br>Don't you know you can't win?

You're no exception to the rule  
>I'm irresistible, you fool<br>Give in!

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets

I always get what I aim for  
>And your heart and soul is what I came for<p>

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets  
>Take off your coat<br>Don't you know you can't win?

You're no exception to the rule  
>I'm irresistible, you fool<br>Give in!  
>Give in!<br>Give in!

* * *

><p>Traynor rides down in the elevator with Shepard, having just spent the last hour helping her get ready for the banquet tonight. Kaylin fidgets, smoothing imaginary wrinkles from the dress she's in. The doors swoosh open and they step out in the CIC. "Honestly, Traynor, I don't know why you went to so much trouble with my hair and make-up. I also don't know why you wouldn't let me wear something a little less… revealing."<p>

"That's why," Traynor beams as her handiwork garners notice. Shepard finally notices that all activity on deck has stopped as everyone present stares in silent wonder. A blush creeps over her face as she's become the center of attention.

James stands transfixed by her magnificence. Scarlet tresses are mostly loose about her shoulders, a touch of curl adding body, only the strands near her temples being pulled back to allow a clear view of her face. Traynor has somehow highlighted her lids with just the barest hints of amethyst and silver to make her eyes shimmer like dew on heather. His gaze travels down to her mouth. _Her lips look like cinnamon, spice and __**everything**__ nice…_ The pale column of her neck is wrapped with a black choker; a dark tear-drop shaped stone dangling in the hollow of her throat seems to have a star trapped in its depths.

Then, there's the dress: black velvet begging to be touched, the garment starts at her right shoulder and travels at a diagonal across her chest leaving the left shoulder bare save for a silver knot-work band on her upper arm. The material clings to her torso before flaring out just below her hips to a loose skirt down to her ankles. But the most intriguing part of the dress is the sheer 3 inch panel starting just below her arm along the entire length of her right side. Small, star-shaped crystals draw the eye to the flesh beneath, nothing inappropriate exposed, but enough to set the imagination to work. Sheer cloth expands in size at the point the skirt widens so that tantalizing legs are clearly in view. Two inch black strappy heels complete the ensemble.

He tugs at the collar of his dress blues, suddenly feeling very hot and glad the dress coat hangs low. Stepping forward he folds an arm behind his back, bowing as he takes her hand and kisses the back of it. James straightens just in time to watch her lick her lips, skin flushing even more. Gallantly he offers his arm, "Ready, Shepard?"

Resting her hand in the crook of his arm, she murmurs, "Yes." They head towards the access hatch, on display as the crew look on at the handsome couple. Even Joker is stunned into silence, at least for a moment, "Looking sexy, Commander. You kids have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Shepard raises an eyebrow, "So anything goes, Joker?"

"You got me, Shepard," Joker laughs as James leads her out.

* * *

><p>The air-car drops them outside an impressively decadent house away from the main hub of activity on the Citadel, sumptuously clad members of various species parading into the entry hall. Shepard takes a deep breath, ribs aching, and brushes nervously again at her skirts, "Ready for a lot of inane dinner conversation and demeaning attempts to get these pompous fools to give us money and supplies?"<p>

James gazes down at her, smile relaxed and confident, "No, but I **am** ready to be the envy of every man, and probably a few women, for having the most radiantly beautiful woman as my date."

Trapped helplessly by his regard, she flushes again, lips parting as she tries to find a response. There is laughter in his eyes at having tongue-tied his commander, but also something more that she's not ready to acknowledge. She finally manages, "Let's get this over with."

Over the course of dinner, James charms all the ladies, be they high-level politicians, CEOs or the wives of both, and Shepard finds the right tack to take with the high rollers that demand her attention. Both of them secretly wish they had more time to spend with each other as the night wears on. Music begins to play as people make their way to the dance floor and Shepard rebuffs more than one attempt to coax her out, claiming her injury makes such activity painful. James, however, has no such excuse and finds himself beset by a lot of lonely women eager to take him for a spin. Kaylin chuckles from her seat as one particularly hideous old lady grabs his butt making him jump.

Eventually he extracts himself from the mob and stands before her, mock-annoyed look on his face, "So how much did the troll pay you to let her cop a feel of me?" She giggles uncontrollably and a warm sense of satisfaction floods James. _Damn, she's gorgeous…_ He holds his hand out, palm up, "May I have this dance?" He can see the hesitation, "Look. Mi Madre taught Latin dance classes back on Earth, so you don't have to worry, even though you can't dance you'll do fine if you follow my lead."

She laughs softly and bites her lip, "I have a confession. I hate the garbage people call 'dancing' at clubs, so I never make an effort and everyone assumes I am horrible all around at it."

He arches a brow, "…but?"

She fights not to smirk, "But, my mother thought ballroom dance lessons would teach me grace, as well as improve my speed, agility, and endurance; you know, things important for a military life."

"Soooo, you **can **dance?"

"I was generally considered a decent partner." She places her hand in his.

He draws her to her feet, "I won't believe it 'til I see it, Lola."

Her eyes sparkle with excitement, "Is that a challenge, Mr. Vega?"

"I do believe it is, ma'am."

He draws her onto the floor after whispering a request to the lead musician, the chords to "Whatever Lola Wants" striking up. She's never heard the song before, so she has no reaction at first to the music. Moving to his lead, they begin to tango. Legs wrapping in and around each other's, expertly he guides her; she pivots as she dances a figure eight in his grasp. He's waiting for the moment the lyrics begin; he isn't disappointed as her eyes widen and she laughs at his shit-eating grin. Grabbing her waist, he lifts her onto her toes and drags her across the floor. As he slows, she slides down the length of his body, back leg extending out straight with her front leg bent in a crouch. Her back leg sweeps around and, as he draws her to her feet, her hips swivel provocatively. They continue in a close hold for the remainder of the dance; often he swings her up in the air, her body arching into various poses with legs kicking out or perhaps folding in to sit on his bent knee. As the music draws to a close, he bends her back, her left leg rising to wrap around his waist and they spin as her chest rises to become flush with his, her arms tight around his neck, his bracing her back and hips.

They remain locked in this embrace until they are startled apart by clapping from the other party-goers, who have all stopped to watch these two create magic. Winded, he bows, she curtsies, and they walk over to the sides to rest, having to stop repeatedly as guests ask how long they practiced that performance. They deflect the question, not being able to answer with the truth that there was no practice, they simply instinctively moved together as one. Shepard sits down with a slight wince, the protestations of her ribs finally working their way into her consciousness. James fetches her some water, concern in his voice, "I'm sorry if I was a little too rough, Lola."

She shakes her head with one corner of her mouth curving into a half-smile, "It takes two to tango, James, and I haven't had that much fun in ages." She takes a drink, her eyes twinkling mischievously as she licks a drop off her upper lip, "So… I get whatever I want, James?"

He is hypnotized by her mouth, barely resisting the urge to ask her to take another sip so he can lick the water off. He clears his throat and swallows hard, trying for nonchalance, "That's what the song says, Lola. Anything in particular you want?"

Tapping a finger to her pursed lips, she then trails the finger down her chin and along her neck, surreptitiously studying his reaction, excited by the power she seems to have over him tonight. "Perhaps when you can break free of your many admirers next, we can have another dance? Preferably something slower and less strenuous."

His gaze follows the path she traces over her skin, but he does not stop his downward course as she halts at the edge of the dress. _Madre de Dios, I'm going to be up all night. _

"Your wish is my command, Lola."

Their brief respite over, the ladies drag him off to dance and Shepard is left to fend off the men and women upset by her earlier rebuffs. Most can see the shallowness of her breathing and accept that she told them the truth and has now over-exerted herself; some, however, won't take no for an answer. When this happens, her loyal guardian comes to the rescue, his attention always on her even while he's not by her side.

Another hour passes and she simply enjoys watching him move, light and smooth despite his size. She waves him over and he smiles as he weaves his way back to her, bowing to take her hand and brush his lips across her knuckles. His attention makes her flush with pleasure and she murmurs, "I need some air, but I don't want to go alone."

A lock of hair falls across her cheek and he reaches out to brush it back, fingers caressing her skin; unthinking, she turns her cheek into his touch, eyes half-lidded. His breath catches and he fights down the desire to take her to a room to make love all night. Instead he helps her to her feet, guiding her towards an exit, inquiring from one of the staff where they might find a quiet corner outside.

Traveling up, they come to a rooftop garden, a brilliant night sky arrayed above. She tilts her head back, eyes closing as she breathes in the perfume of flowers carried by the wind. He stares at this vision before him, his own fiery star come down from heaven. Looking back down, she sees an unfathomable expression on his face that never-the-less sets her heart beating faster. Music from the party is piped in at a lesser volume through hidden speakers, Are You the One starting up. He takes her in his arms and murmurs, "Let's dance."

One of her arms wraps around his neck as he clasps her other hand to his chest. His arm encircles her waist as she lays her head on his shoulder, his cheek coming to rest atop her hair. They sway to the melody, lost in the moment. A contented sigh escapes her and he rumbles his agreement. Voice filled with longing she murmurs, "I want time to stand still now, James."

He kisses the top of her head, pulling her tighter to him, "Me too, Lola, but that's something I can't give you."

Trying to make a joke, she lifts her gaze to his, betraying the sorrow in her soul, "I thought Lola always gets what she wants…"

Lips pressing to her brow he whispers against her skin, "I'd give you anything, Kaylin, but time's not something I can control."

Tears glimmer in her eyes, "I'm so very tired James."

They halt their dance, his thumbs brushing lightly over her cheeks to wipe away the tears, "I know, mi corazón." His forehead comes to rest against hers and they breathe each other in.

The music fades after a time and they can hear the air cars leaving the premises. Shepard whispers, "We should go."

"Yeah."

Taking a step away, her knees give way and he scoops her into his arms. Half-hearted protests ignored, he carries her out; her arms twine around his neck, head coming to rest, and she falls asleep in his grasp. All the way back to the ship he holds her, heedless of the looks from the crew as he brings her to her quarters. As he sets her gently on the bed and turns to go, she stirs and takes his hand, "Don't go… I don't want to be alone."

He closes his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply, her words striking him to the core; when his eyes open she's shocked by the desire, the **need,** in his gaze. His voice is like a caress, sending shivers down her spine, "Kaylin, if I stayed I wouldn't want to be on the couch. Tonight was everything I could have hoped for and I won't ruin that by taking what you're not ready to give. I'll have Esteban come up if you need someone to guard your sleep."

Longing and fear war in her heart as she looks up at him. He tenderly kisses her forehead, "When you're ready, I'll be waiting, mi amor. Sweet dreams." She watches him walk away, wishing she had the courage to call him back.

Steve comes up a few minutes later to find her curled up on her side, tears smudging her makeup. He wets a towel and gently cleans her face, then helps her out of the gown and into a long shirt. Tucking her under the covers, he strokes her hair as she tells him about the party, about feeling lighter than air as she danced, about how much she wants him but can't bear the thought of losing another love. He gathers her to him as she sobs; eventually she cries herself out. She asks if he'd mind staying with her in the bed and he lets her curl up against his side; they both drift into sleep.

* * *

><p>Shepard's mind still muzzy with sleep and<strong> very<strong> sweet dreams, she strokes her nails lightly over the chest she finds herself pressed up against. Nuzzling at a neck, tongue flickering out to taste his skin, Shepard is startled into wakefulness when an uncomfortable cough and muttered, "Uh, Kaylin?" reveals it's **not** James in her arms. Mortification sets in as she stares up at Steve Cortez's slightly bemused expression; she falls out of the bed trying to get away from her mistake.

"Oh, God… Steve, I am sooo sorry… I thought you were… I mean I… CRAP!" She buries her crimson face in her hands, voice muffled, "I am an idiot."

Cortez climbs out of the bed and kneels beside her, "Shepard, don't worry about it. No harm done. Though I have to tell you, the last time a woman tried that on me she was drunk and Robert was laughing at me." He chuckles, "I'll take it as a compliment that you thought I was remotely muscular enough to have you mistake me for Vega."

Peeking through her fingers to see he doesn't look offended or upset, she finally drops her hands and joins him in laughter, "Maybe we shouldn't tell him about this little… mishap?"

He helps her to her feet and nods, "Probably safest that way. Though I can't guarantee it won't come up the next time he teases me about my physique."

"Fair enough." Amusement fades to warmth in her voice and she gives him a friendly hug, "Steve, I'm lucky to have a friend like you; thanks for putting up with me."

He hugs her back, "I'm honored that you feel comfortable sharing your problems with me." As she starts to pull away, he keeps hold of her shoulders, becoming more serious, "So, as a friend, I have to say: tell him how you feel." Her expression begins to close down as he presses on, "You're the one that told me that we've lost if we can't move on with our lives while everything is going to hell. That applies to you, too, Kaylin. Last night you told me how much you wanted something more, so stop being afraid and go for it. We could all die tomorrow and we all need some happiness in our lives, especially the person we're all counting on to save us. Be happy, please."

She sighs, "I'll try, Steve. I just need to sort some things out."

"All right. Are you good for now?" She nods and he says, "Then I should get going."

"Thank you again, Steve."

"I'm here for you, Shepard."

* * *

><p>James is cleaning his weapons when Steve enters the hangar and walks over to him. Setting aside the barrel of his shotgun, James studies Steve's expression, "She ok?"<p>

"Yeah. Just don't stop trying to reach her. You both could use a little joy in your life and, for whatever reason, she seems to like having your sorry ass around."

Grinning, James mood lightens, "Hey, what's not to like? Good looks, charm, and stamina always bring the ladies around for more."

Rolling his eyes and pretending to gag, Steve laughs and goes to work for the day.

* * *

><p><em>Author's note: I can't club dance to save my life despite having 10 years of dance classes as a child, so that's why I portrayed Shepard this way.<em>

"_Are you the One" is by Within Temptation. _

_There may be a few days before the next chapter as I'll be stepping out of my comfort zone in writing it and thus take longer to put it together. It will try to earn the M rating the story has been changed to._


	9. Chapter 9: Walls Come Tumbling Down

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's Note: I made a slight change to an in-game mission because the scenario that follows it in my story has been bouncing around my head wanting out._

_This chapter is definitely NSFW!_

* * *

><p>"Give Unto Me" by Evanescence<p>

I've been watching you from a distance  
>The distance sees through your disguise<br>All I want from you is your hurting  
>I want to heal you<br>I want to save you from the dark

Give unto me your troubles  
>I'll endure your suffering<br>Place onto me your burden  
>I'll drink your deadly poison<p>

Why should I care if they hurt you  
>Somehow it matters more to me<br>Than if I were hurting myself  
>Save you (save you)<br>I'll save you

Give unto me your troubles  
>I'll endure your suffering<br>Place onto me your burden  
>I'll drink your deadly poison<p>

Fear not the flame of my love's candle  
>Let it be the sun in your world of darkness<br>Give unto me all that frightens you  
>I'll have your nightmares for you<br>If you sleep soundly

Give unto me your troubles  
>I'll endure your suffering<br>Place onto me your burden  
>I'll drink your deadly poison<p>

Fear not the flame of my love's candle  
>Let it be the sun in your world of darkness<br>Give unto me all that frightens you  
>I'll have your nightmares for you<br>If you sleep soundly

Fear not the flame of my love's candle  
>Let it be the sun in your world of darkness<p>

* * *

><p>Another two days of tedious busy work, going planet to planet finding things for various people, threaten to undo the commander's good mood. On her check-in with Dr. Chakwas she's finally given the all clear to resume active duty. "About time!" Shepard exclaims. "If I had to listen to one more bureaucrat tell me why he wouldn't release their stockpile of munitions or food, I was going to have to shoot them."<p>

"I can see it now: Human Spectre Commander Shepard goes on killing spree over medical supplies, News at Eleven," Karin chortles. "Just try to be careful, Commander. You still need to work on conditioning to be back in full form."

"Believe me, I know. My lungs still get mad at me if I run too fast or far. At least insomnia gives me plenty of time to run in the hangar to get back in shape."

The doctor frowns, "You're still not sleeping well?"

The corner of Shepard's mouth quirks up as she shrugs, "Nightmares. I'm not the only lost soul wandering the halls at all hours. I'll sleep when I'm dead… again." She heads up to the CIC to check her messages.

Traynor announces, "Commander, Admiral Hackett has requested your help with a Cerberus fighter base on Noveria. He'll be available on vidcomm once we make it in system."

"Thanks Traynor. Joker set course for the Horsehead Nebula."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

After informing Liara she should prep for the mission, she makes her way down to the shuttle bay to update Vega. For a moment she stops to admire his back as he works out with the punching bag. "Play times over, LT. You're up for the next mission; we'll be hitting a Cerberus base."

He turns around with a huge grin, "About damned time, Lola! I was getting fat just sitting around doing nothin'."

Without thought, her eyes roam over his well-muscled physique and she raises a brow, "Coulda fooled me, James. Do I need to break out the calipers for a body-mass check?"

He smirks, "I think your hands would be more than up to the task, Lola."

"If that's the case, then maybe I should keep you off the strike team so you can have some remedial PT until you're back up to standards." She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling.

His hands go up in front of him in a 'slow down' gesture, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Shepard. I didn't say I wasn't fit for duty! Just need to burn off a few pounds kicking Cerberus ass."

Eyes dancing with amusement, she turns to go, "All right then, James. Be ready to go when we enter Noveria's orbit."

"I was born ready." He leans back to appreciate the view as she walks away.

* * *

><p>Loaded on the shuttle, a vid pulls up of Admiral Hackett. "Commander, the enemy has a strategic advantage in this system thanks to the fighter squadron facility you're about to attack. We want to seize it, but their air defenses are too strong for our frontal assault. Losses would be too cost-prohibitive."<p>

"How do you want me to handle this?" she queries.

"Go in the back, bring down their defenses so we can send in the troops. Good luck Commander." The communique shuts off.

Cortez examines his instruments, "I have visual contact. There's a small platform above the main landing pad."

"Take us in, LT."

The squad drops from the hovering craft, weapons coming up as they scan the area. Cortez speaks over the comm, "Commander, you'll have to find the command center to take down their defenses. Be advised that there's a storm system moving into the area, so time is limited."

"All right, keep an eye out for the command center." Shepard waves for them to move out. Shots fire from a balcony above them as Liara calls out, "They've seen us!" Taking cover behind a cargo container, Shepard picks off her targets one by one, rolling to the next crate forward as she advances.

Ceberus troops are quickly dispatched as they explore the area, but a lucky shot from a centurion hits Liara in the abdomen, puncturing her armor. Shepard examines the injury, slapping medigel on the site to slow the bleeding. "Cortez, we need an evac for Liara. She took one to the gut and needs more medical attention than I can provide. James, carry her back to the platform; I'll cover us."

Liara tries to protest that she can make it back alone, but Vega scoops her up and rushes back towards the waiting shuttle. Gun fire from behind him says Shepard's providing ample protection. "Get her out of here, Esteban. Shepard and I have this under control."

The shuttle takes off while Shepard and Vega move back towards the main building. More enemy soldiers confront them, but after some intense fighting, they are able to locate the air defense controls. Upon examination of the system, Shepard curses under her breath, "Damn it. This'll take awhile."

Cortez voice comes over their suits' internal speakers, "Commander, you're got enemies inbound and we can't wait. Someone's got to get those defenses down ASAP."

"James, I need you to hold them back while I hack this damned console."

"No one's gonna touch you, Lola."

Cortez chimes in, "Be ready, Commander. You're gonna get swarmed."

Working as quickly as possible, Shepard tries to tune out the firefight going on behind her. Assault rifle on full auto, James takes up a position behind a computer console where he can watch each of the entrances to the room they occupy. The alarms begin to blare, "Warning, Warning. Security breach. Initiating lockdown failsafe." He hears her curse, "Damn it. Outside communications are being jammed." Picking off a guardian that had come up on his flank, James yells, "We'll find a way to get through to them once you get that piece of shit squared away."

As the latest wave of troops falls, the console announces, "Defense system deactivation prioritized. Awaiting shutdown command." Shepard calls over her shoulder, "James, shutdown command has to be synced up from the other console."

He jogs over and inputs a code causing the mechanical voice to blare, "Defense system deactivated. General order seven slash seven triggered – establish contingency defenses."

Omnitool flashing, James curses, "Shit. Heavy deployment to the landing pad, Commander."

"Well, we better get a move on." They charge back towards the platform, taking out more soldiers in the process. Static crackles across the comms, Cortez voice barely audible, "Commander …rying to break… nterferance."

"Cortez, I read you. Come in."

"There you are, Commander. Had to get through the interference. Area clear, signaling the strike force – Wait, scans picking up something coming your way."

The claxons blast, "Proximity alert. Deploying armed response."

James shouts, "Heads up!" as an Atlas drops to the deck. They quickly fall back to more defensive positions as it fires off its rockets. Shepard and James set off a string of grenades, throwing the Atlas' aim off just as it unleashes a barrage of missiles. An explosion rocks the platform and metal shrieks in protest as one of the structural supports buckles. James braces on a railing and lunges to grab Shepard's wrist as she starts to slide with the crumbling deck, "Hang on, Lola!"

Allowing her shotgun to fall, she clutches James arm as he quickly hauls her up. Their ears ring with a static discharge on the com, "Everyone all right? We just saw the platform fall."

"We're alive for now, Cortez. Give the go ahead for the strike force to come in. They can help us mop up the remaining Cerberus personnel."

"That's a no go, Commander. The storm picked up in speed and intensity; it's going to hit your position in a matter of minutes. No way a shuttle will make it through. Command suggests you find someplace to hole up for the duration."

Shots ring out as more troops rush out of the base, "Command have any brilliant suggestions on where? Never mind. We'll find another way out of this base and radio you once we're clear. Cerberus should have a few ground vehicles stashed away somewhere." Unslinging her sniper rifle, she takes out an engineer setting up a turret. "Looks like we're on our own, Vega."

He grins over at her, "More fun for us. Let's show these pendejos not to mess with Marines."

* * *

><p>A search of the lower levels of the base finally yields an old Mako and Shepard smiles, "God, this brings back memories."<p>

Finding the controls for the outer doors, James sets the sequence to cycle them open. "You want to drive, Lola?"

"Like I was going to give you the chance after witnessing your navigation skills on Mars?" she smirks.

"Hey! That crash was **planned. **This beauty I'm more than capable of handling, though she could easily take a few bumps."

Shepard climbs in and starts it up, the old familiar rumble actually relaxing her. "Get in, Vega. We need to make tracks." As he enters the vehicle she takes out the two other vehicles in the garage with the onboard cannon for good measure. Visibility near zero they drive out into the storm.

A couple hours pass as they put distance between themselves and the base when a large rumble sets them trying to look out the windows. A wall of white is rumbling down a mountain directly towards them. "Avalanche!" Gunning the motor, Shepard tries to clear the incoming tide of snow and ice, but the Mako is rocked and thrown by the leading edge, the two humans inside tossed like rag-dolls.

* * *

><p>Shepard regains consciousness first, groaning and clutching her skull, "That must be what being run over by a tank feels like…" A blast of frigid air helps clear her head and she sees the giant hole ripped in the side of their vehicle. <strong>Their<strong> vehicle! _Shit!_ "James!" She screams his name over and over again as she starts tossing pieces of wreckage out of her way. A large slab of metal shifts to reveal James passed out still strapped into his chair with part of his chest plate missing and a stream of blood flowing from a deep cut over his left brow. Her omnitool scans him and finds remarkably little damage: a mild concussion, the head laceration, a large contusion to his upper chest and shoulder, as well as an assortment of gashes. Medigel smeared on the cuts and bruises, she tries to rouse him without success. She pulls out a foil blanket from her supplies to drape him in and examines their current situation.

From one of the holes in the Mako she can see they are perched rather precariously on a ledge. _Shit. We can't stay here. Another avalanche and we're toast._ A quick search of the vehicle garners a first aid kit, some rations and a canteen which she stuffs into a pack. Rolling James onto his side and securing the pack and their weapons to his back, she kneels to sling him into a fireman's carry. Her recently healed ribs protest the extra load, but she struggles to her feet. As she sets out into the snow, she keeps up a running dialog, "Not sure how long I can carry your sorry ass, James, so you better pull it together soon Marine… You were right: you do need to lose some weight…"

* * *

><p>He comes to as she falls, dumping him in a snow bank. He sputters, groggy, "What the hell? Since when does taking a nap mean getting a bucket of ice thrown on ya?" Blinking his eyes, his brain starts to process his surroundings: snow, rocks, Shepard collapsed in a heap, wind… <em>Wait, what the hell?<em> He drags himself over to her as she struggles to her hands and knees, coughing violently. "Commander, what the hell are we doing out here?"

On all fours, head hanging between her arms, she turns her face slightly to give him a pained smile, gasping between coughs, "Nice of you to finally wake your ass up, Vega. Our dearly departed Mako lost a fight with an avalanche and we took some collateral damage. If you're steady enough would you mind helping me up? We need to push on and find some shelter before we freeze to death."

Gait unsteady, he does manage to find his feet and pull her up, both of them off balance and clutching each other for stability. With her image doubled in his vision he grins at the one on the right, "I wanted to dance with you again after the last time; just didn't think it would be like this."

She shakes her head and chuckles, which brings on a fresh round of coughing. "Let's move, dancing queen."

"Hey, Esteban's the queen. I'm a knight." They stagger on along the ledge, searching for any nook or cranny to squeeze into out of the driving snow.

They come upon the cave by accident as James slips on a patch of ice and tumbles into a small crevasse. As Shepard reaches a hand down to try and help pull him up, his vision focuses on a black gash in the side of the rock. "Hey, Shepard, I think maybe there's something here." He draws up his rifle and flips on the light, shining it into the darkness. He has to get on his knees to enter, but the crevice quickly widens into a small cave. "Jackpot. Come on in, Lola. Think we found a place to crash."

Sliding down to his position, she crawls into the cave. One wall seems to be a large sheet of ice, with the remainder of their shelter being solid rock. A shelf of stone takes up a decent portion of the available space and she sits on it to catch her breath. "Looks like we found ourselves a nice hidey-hole, James." She pulls out a flare and lights it, watching the smoke to see if there is any ventilation save the entrance; thankfully it seems there are some cracks in the rock that allow air through.

James sits beside her and then falls back, eyes closing. She shoves his shoulder, "No falling asleep on me now, LT. We need to block off the entrance to conserve heat in here. I'll work on that while you start chipping ice to melt for water."

He groans but forces himself back up, dragging out his knife to start breaking off chunks of ice from the wall and stuffing them in the canteen she tosses his way. Shepard goes back out into the storm to gather snow which she fashions into blocks to close off the cave entrance.

Their tasks complete, she pulls out a portable heating unit and sets it up near the stone shelf. Then she begins to strip off her armor. James stares dumbfounded as she pulls it off piece by piece. Noting his look, she rolls her eyes and walks over to start trying to get his chest plate off him. "Did you forget your cold weather survival training, Lieutenant? We're both soaked through from the snow and we're both injured. We need to get out of these walking freezers we call armor and the wet clothes that will leech any remaining warmth from our skin. I know **I** desperately want to be able to feel my ass again someday."

This startles a chuckle from him as his wavering sight tries to study her posterior, "I know **I** desperately want to be able to feel your ass again someday, too."

She snorts, wincing as her lungs protest, helping him extract himself from the broken armor. After the armor is successfully removed, she begins stripping out of the padding she wears beneath, laying it out to try and dry. James finds himself transfixed as more of her flesh begins to show. Down to her bra and panties she sees he's stopped again and sighs with exasperation, "Damn it James. Strip. NOW."

He blinks and chuckles, pulling off layers of clothing, "I've imagined you saying that to me a thousand times, but this was definitely not how I thought it would happen."

She blushes furiously, grateful the dim light from the heating unit should hide her discomfort. Turning her back to him, she unclasps her bra and lets it fall to the floor. James just manages to get his pants off as he sees this and his jaw drops, "Uh, Shepard?"

She looks over her shoulder to see him looking damned fine in nothing but some very form-fitting briefs. She licks her lips as she faces away again, pulling out a tightly compressed sleeping bag and setting it out on the rock shelf. "We are both suffering from at least mild hypothermia and the quickest way to warm up is skin to skin contact, which means naked is best. Now hurry the hell up, Marine, and finish undressing so we can get in the damned bag." With that statement she yanks off her panties and shimmies into the sleeping bag. Mouth suddenly very dry, he remains in place for a moment, the image of her naked back burned into his mind, then he quickly pulls off his briefs and burrows into the bag.

A lot of squirming occurs to get themselves settled in a comfortable position facing each other. She slides her arms around his waist and his draw her closer, nestled around her upper back. Her firm breasts press against his muscular chest and he can't help but notice how hard her nipples are. _Probably just from the cold…_

As she twines her legs with his, trying to maximize surface contact, she's trying not to be incredibly aware of his hips pressing up against hers, evidence presenting itself that he is enjoying their current closeness. She rests her cheek on his chest and snuggles as close as possible, desperate to feel warm. He kisses the top of her head, the events of the day plus the concussion making him bone-weary and he drifts to sleep as the temperature in their cocoon rises.

The sound of a soft snore rouses her from the bliss of heat returning to her skin. _Shit. Can't let him sleep with that head injury._ "James, wake up." He mumbles something but remains fast asleep. She tries shaking him, and then kicks his leg rather ineffectually due to space, but he does not wake. Getting desperate, she bites his shoulder. She finds herself squeezed tighter to him as he finally begins to stir. Encouraged, she bites at his neck and a rumble rises through his chest; she breathes in his ear, "James, wake up. You can't go to sleep on me now. I need you to stay awake."

The drag of teeth on his flesh filters into his sleep and he rouses to hear Shepard say "I need you" at which point his brain stops paying attention to the rest of the words. One hand sliding to circle her waist, the other buries itself in her hair as he tilts her head back for a kiss.

_Well, he's awake,_ flashes through her startled mind. She's amazed by how gentle he is, his lips feather-soft as they trace their way over her eyes, nose, cheeks, jaw, and lips. Voice pleading she says, "James…" unsure if she wants him to stop or begging for him to keep going.

He cups her cheek, pressing his forehead and nose against hers, eyes staring into hers in the dim light from the heater. His voice is so very soft and tender, "Kaylin, please. If you tell me to stop, I will, but I think you want this as much as I do. You keep shoving me away because you're afraid of hurting me, but not being able to hold you, to touch you, to tell you how much I love you is killing me. Please, let me in. I'd rather have one night in your arms and die the next day than live a thousand years without you in my life." His thumb wipes away a single tear from her cheek as it beings to fall.

"I…" She thinks of all the reasons this is a bad idea, but at this moment she wants nothing more than a chance at happiness before the world comes to an end. Her tone is full of warmth and longing, "I love you, too, James. Please. I need you."

His heart stops at her declaration; it restarts with the electricity that sparks between them as his lips find hers. His mouth moves over hers as though she is a delicate glass figure he might shatter with a touch. Having given in to her yearning to be with him, Shepard opens her lips, tongue darting out to deepen their kiss. Eagerly he returns the fervor, waging a war between their tongues. His fingers slowly slide over her flesh, tracing a path from her cheek, along the line of her jaw, down the slender column of her throat, brushing the curve of a breast.

She moans into his mouth, heat spreading from a molten core low in her belly. Nails drag down his spine causing him to press himself harder against her overheated body. Her hands caress his ass, the muscles tightening reflexively, forcing his hips to rock forward; now it's his turn to moan as his manhood rubs against her silken flesh.

His lips and teeth follow the path so recently created by his fingers, teasing whimpers of pleasure from her as he explores. Dipping his head, slowly he sucks a pert nipple into his mouth, teeth scraping to draw it out, tongue lapping to sooth the tender skin. Her cries of pleasure elicit a hungry growl from deep within him, driving him on. Snaking a hand down to massage her butt, he kisses his way to the other breast, not wanting it to feel left out.

Shepard finds herself dizzy with need. Her nails dig into his back and shoulders as her nerves thrill to his touch. "Oh, dear God, James…" She runs her fingers through his hair, drawing his head closer as he suckles. "**Please…**"

Entreaties fall on his ears like angels singing. He tries to move lower, the sleeping bag encumbering his movements. With a snarl he rips the bag open, cold air striking hot skin making them both shudder. The ambient temperature of the cave has increased due to the heating element and their exertions, so, despite the chill, he continues to slide down her frame. Fingers caressing the lines of definition in her abdomen, traveling out to stroke the curve of hips, he straddles her legs and dips his head to lap at the beads of sweat quickly evaporating from her skin.

Never has she felt as alive as this. She grips his hair with a hand, the other rising to massage her breast, pinching and twisting the nipple as she groans her desire.

The sight of her touching herself drives him wild. His hands slide over her thighs to her knees, slowly lifting and drawing them apart. Kneeling before her, he bends down, resting her legs over his shoulders. James kisses her inner thighs, nibbling on the sensitive flesh as he works his way to her core. She hisses, "Yesssss… Oh, please, **yes!**" just before his tongue darts between the folds of flesh at the apex of her thighs.

A shudder runs through her entire body as he begins to lap at the sweet nectar he finds hidden away. Her legs wrap tightly around his neck and shoulders, drawing him more firmly against her. Working her into a state of frenzy, he reaches forward to squeeze her breasts, flicking her nipples between thumb and fore-finger. A scream of ecstasy rips from her throat as her back arches, overwhelmed by the sudden release as she gives herself over to a mind-blowing orgasm.

Enthusiastically he licks up every last drop as she crests wave after wave of bliss. He kisses his way back up her body, lavishing her breasts with attention before engaging her lips. She can taste herself on his tongue as he devours her mouth and she discovers she desperately wants to know how he tastes.

Breaking the kiss, she rolls him over so that she is straddling his lap, his manhood rock hard under her. The lascivious smile she bestows on him makes his cock twitch and he groans as her teeth nibble at his jaw. Licking the delicate shell of his left ear she murmurs breathlessly, "You have been a **very good** Marine and deserve a reward. Do you want me to suck you…" She draws his earlobe into her mouth to suckle for a moment. "Or fuck you…" She grinds her hips into his lap. "Or both?"

He drags her down for a breath-stealing kiss, hips rocking beneath her as he pants, "Madre de Dios, Lola, BOTH!" She chuckles softly, "Then I suppose I have some work to do."

He never really thought she had much in the way of nails; she'd told him she'd always preferred them very short to prevent oil and dirt from getting trapped under them. However, there is certainly enough length to leave marks on his skin as she draws designs with them in his flesh. He marvels at the feel of her teeth biting at the tender skin at the hollow of his throat, the animal hunger they wake as they scrape at his nipples. He buries his hands in her hair, kneading at her head and neck as she travels ever lower. Breasts pressed against his thighs, breath warm on his groin, she looks up at him, eyes seemingly lit with an inner fire as she licks her lips and purrs, "What shall I do now that I'm down here?"

Hands fisting in her hair, he growls, "Lick me. Suck me. I need your mouth on my cock!" His head falls back as she delicately licks at the base of his manhood. He pulls her hair back from her face so he can watch as her tongue darts out in quick short licks, teasing with brief contact and then blowing small puffs of air across his skin. His cock throbs as he groans his need and frustration, "You're killing me here, Lola…" Wet lips wrap around the head of his cock and he shudders, hands flexing as he fights the desire to shove her head further down along his length.

Her tongue lingers on the tip, lapping at the fluid leaking out. _Not bad._ Creating suction around the head, she takes him in inch by inch. His hips begin to rock as she swallows him down, the feel of her wet mouth encasing him is better than he ever dreamed. The tension inside him is building to the breaking point as he arrests her movement, lifting her head. She gives him a puzzled look, voice slightly hurt, "You didn't like it?" He's startled into a laugh, "Holy shit, Lola. I loved every second, but I want to last a little longer and that isn't gonna happen if you keep it up." She looks like the proverbial cat in the cream as she licks her lips.

Delicious friction nearly sends him over the edge as she slides her body up along his, capturing his mouth for another kiss. Her knees come to rest on either side of his hips and he can feel how wet she has become again as she grinds into him. They come up gasping for air from the kiss and he stares up into her face, "Ride me."

As she sits up, he grasps her hips to lift and she reaches down to position him at her entrance. Heaven cannot compare to the sensation of sheathing himself in her hot core; their cries echo through the cave. For a moment they hold perfectly still, savoring this feeling, then she rolls her hips and his grip tightens as he matches her motion. The look of wanton abandon on her face squeezes his heart. She corkscrews her hips up and then slams back to the hilt over and over again, back arched as his hands caress her breasts.

The rhythm races ever faster, both panting with exertion. He reaches down to their joined bodies, finding the small hidden pearl, stroking and flicking to the sounds of her screaming his name. He can hold back no longer as her muscles clench around him and they fly together on the wings of passion.

Collapsing against his chest, they lie there still united, his hands stroking her back and brushing the hair from her face. Voice tender he whispers, "I am the luckiest guy in the universe. You are magnificent and I love you, Kaylin." She tilts her chin to smile contentedly up at him, murmuring, "I love you, too, James." The expression of joy on his face warms her heart and she snuggles into his embrace.

The air around them quickly becomes too chilly to lie exposed and James reaches to try and get the ripped sleeping bag wrapped around them. She chuckles, lending a hand in the effort, "I'll have to dock your pay for destroying Alliance property." He grins and replies, "Or you could think of more creative ways to punish me." Lightly smacking his chest, she settles into his arms and mutters as she drifts off to sleep, "You wish."

* * *

><p>The crackle of radio static wakes them some time later, Cortez's worried voice coming through, "Commander Shepard. Lieutenant Vega. Do either of you copy? Damn it; answer if you are getting this!"<p>

Extricating herself from James and the sleeping bag, Shepard stumbles over to her armor, gasping at the frigid cold air on her naked skin. She hauls the helmet with the comm unit back to the stone slab and crawls into the warmth she had vacated, making James howl in protest as her frozen feet curl around his. Finger lifted to shush him, she flips on the speaker, "Cortez, this is Shepard. Do you copy?"

Relief clear in his reply, "I read you loud and clear, Commander. I was beginning to think we lost you down there. Where are you?"

"That's a good question. We made it free of the base but got caught in an avalanche. Luckily we happened to find a cave and have been trying to stay warm ever since. Can you lock on our signal? Vega suffered a concussion and should get checked out."

"Give me a few minutes to locate the source of your transmission. It would help if you could get outside; the cave will weaken the signal strength."

"Give me a few minutes to get dressed and I'll make my way out."

A long pause greets her words then a hesitant, "Get dressed?"

Rolling her eyes she grabs some snow for a quick bath before she starts to pull on her clothes, "Does **no one **remember cold weather survival training? I'll radio you once I'm free of the cave."

James leisurely watches her get dressed, memorizing the image for later, and then he catches a flash of ink on her skin as she pulls her top on, "Shit. Later you'll have to let me check out your tats, Lola."

Dead-pan, "Who says there will be another time, Lieutenant?"

His frown grows as she continues to dress without looking at him. He lunges to his feet, vision wavering thanks to the fast movement coupled with the concussion, and he grabs her arm to spin her around, his voice firm and demanding, "There **will** be a next time, Kaylin. I won't let you put me off any more." Her delighted grin sinks into his brain as she kisses him soundly, "Just teasing you, James. I fully intend to abuse my position of power over you, so you'll have plenty of chances to scope out my ink."

He smirks, "I'll take any abuse you can dish out, Lola."

"Good to know, James. Now get washed up and dressed. I'm tired of freezing my ass off down here."

Leering down at her ass, "It would be a crying shame to freeze that off." She shoves a fistful of snow at him and he shivers, "Why exactly do I need to wash up when we can take a hot shower back on the Normandy?"

"Because I don't want everyone and their mother knowing we were having sex down here while they desperately searched for us."

"Fine, fine." Gritting his teeth, Vega gives his skin a fast scrub and throws on his padding, then attempts to struggle into his fractured armor. The warped metal of the chest plate doesn't behave so he wraps himself in the sleeping bag and lugs the piece with him outside.

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later they are aboard the shuttle with Cortez, drinking cups of hot chocolate and coffee respectively. Steve glances at them frequently on the ride back, noting the way they keep looking at each other and how close they sit together. A small smile crosses his face. <em>Finally…<em>


	10. Chapter 10: Holding On and Letting Go

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's Note: _Thank you to everyone still reading this tale. Work has been crazy of late and it makes the updates a bit slower.

* * *

><p>"What I Want" by Daughtry<p>

It always seemed that I was sorry for the things that I did,  
>But never did a thing about it 'til I let you in.<br>It's kinda funny about the time that I was falling apart.  
>You came and put me back together, now.<p>

'Cause what I want  
>And what I need<br>Has now become the same thing  
>You've been offering.<br>As days go by,  
>I've finally become what you want me to be.<p>

I still remember all the stupid things that I've said and done,  
>But still, you stuck around with me when all your friends said, "Run!"<br>Givin' me a name, I found myself inside all the flames.  
>Becoming everything for you again.<p>

What I want  
>And what I need<br>Has now become the same thing  
>You've been offering.<br>As days go by,  
>I've finally become what you want me to be.<p>

Don't tell me you saw it all along.  
>God help me, I never knew it alone.<br>Guess I was wrong.

What I want  
>And what I need<br>Has now become the same thing  
>You've been offering.<br>As days go by,  
>I've finally become what you want me to be.<p>

And what I need  
>Has now become the same thing<br>You've been offering.  
>You've taken me,<br>And shaped me to become what you want me to be.

* * *

><p>In the med-bay, Dr. Chakwas examines them both. Shepard is treated for minor frostbite to her hands, given some cream to rub into her chest for the coughing and sent on her way, while Vega is kept for a few hours of observation due to the head injury. Garrus finds her as she exits the infirmary, "Good to see a bit of snow didn't manage to do you in, Shepard."<p>

She smiles and pats his shoulder, "Like I'd let myself get taken down by anything as tame as a storm. I have to say though, I don't think I want to go skiing any time in the near future. A long hot shower and warm fuzzy blanket have my name all over them right now."

Garrus laughs, "Enjoy your rest, Shepard. Something tells me we won't have much time for relaxation once we make contact with the Quarians."

"No rest for the wicked. Later, Garrus."

After soaking all her pain away and allowing the steam to sooth her aching lungs, she pulls on a tank top and flannel pants, curling up under the blankets to fall fast asleep.

* * *

><p>The clock is flashing 2312 when the chime for the door wakes her. Rubbing sleep from her eyes she makes her way to the entry and opens it to find Vega. Her voice groggy with sleep, "Everything okay, James?"<p>

Taking in her rumpled appearance and squinting eyes, he mutters apologetically, "Just came to check on you, Lola. Didn't mean to wake you up. I'll come back in the morning." Turning to go, he's stopped by her hand on his arm.

"You don't have to leave, James. I… I'd really like for you to stay."

Facing her again, he tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes close and she moves her cheek into the touch, trying to prolong contact. He leans down and gives her a tender kiss; she steps forward and knots her fists in his shirt. They kiss for what seems an eternity before finally coming up for air. Shepard whispers, "Please stay tonight. Falling asleep in your arms is just what the doctor ordered for a good night's rest."

Eyes dancing with amusement, he allows her to lead him into the room, door shutting behind them. "Is that because I'll leave you so exhausted you pass out or because I'm your anti-nightmare weapon?" He starts taking off his boots.

"Both," she chuckles, "though tonight I think we both just need to recuperate." She waves at the bathroom, "You can take a hot shower in private if you like."

"How about a not so private shower?" he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Rolling her eyes, she laughs, "Aren't you too tired for that? Besides, I might hurt you; you are the walking wounded after all."

His hand unconsciously rubs at his shoulder and he grimaces briefly before his lazy grin returns, "I could never be too tired for you, Lola. We got lots of lost time to make up for. As for hurting me… well, you can hurt me **all** night long, baby."

Head shaking, Shepard grabs the bottom of his shirt and slowly slides it up his chest. His arms lift with a slight wince as she pulls the shirt over his head and throws it to the side. Her fingertips lightly trace the edge of the massive bruise on his upper body as she murmurs, "Sorry if I made things worse this morning; I wasn't really thinking about if I hurt you while we were..." her words trail off as she flushes.

Hands encircling her waist, he draws her closer, "The pain was nothin' compared to the pleasure of making love to you." His lips brush her forehead and she tilts her chin up to capture his mouth for another long kiss.

Gripping his belt with one hand, her other snakes up to stroke the back of his neck as he tugs at the hem of her tank top. Sliding beneath the material, he roves over her chest, discovering nothing beneath as his fingers caress and pinch at her perky breasts. She moans into his mouth and his tongue dives deeper to explore every nook and cranny.

Breaking away, she grins as she leads him into the bathroom. Arms circling her from behind, pressing himself tight against her back, his hands again start their wandering search of her body. She purrs as she reaches back to squeeze his ass while he's busy mauling her breasts; he nips at the side of her neck, drawing out another moan. Hips rubbing up against her ass, she can't help but notice how turned on he is.

Twisting in his grasp, she sinks to her knees before him; his hungry eyes devour her as she slowly undoes his belt buckle, and then grasps his fly with her teeth to open it. She nuzzles at his expanding groin and he groans, hands tangling in her hair to keep her pressed close. "Daaaaaamn, Lola…" hisses out as she frees his erection and swallows him whole. His hips thrust forward in time with her sucking as she pulls his pants and briefs completely off. _Hot damn! She's fucking beautiful on her knees giving the best damned hummer of all time. _Another loud moan escapes him as she purrs with him buried between her lips and she reaches up to massage his sack. With a few jerks, he empties himself into her mouth as she swallows him down.

Leaning against the sink, he draws her up for another kiss, tasting himself on her tongue. He nibbles his way along her jaw and murmurs, "God, you are fucking amazing. Now let's get you out of these clothes so I can return the favor." He yanks her top off in one smooth motion and buries his face in her chest. The most delightful whimpers reach his ears as he bites and sucks at her taut nipples. Hoisting her to sit on the edge of the counter, he pulls off her bottoms and spreads her legs wide so he can kneel down to feast. She writhes under his ministrations and he wraps an arm around her to ensure she cannot squirm away; as he laves her pearl, his free hand slowly slides a finger into her damp folds eliciting shudders of ecstasy from her. Inserting a second and then third finger, he picks up the pace as she climaxes.

Rising, he licks his lips as she grabs the hand he used to pleasure her; eyes locked with his, she slowly sucks each finger clean and he can feel his cock getting harder. "You are a very dirty girl, Lola… I like it."

She walks over and turns on the shower, "Help me clean up?" Pouring some soap into her hands, she starts gently scrubbing his chest and abs.

"Mmmmmmm," he exhales as the water and her touch heat him up. Snagging some soap as well, he starts in on her back and works his way down to her butt, massaging the tight curves.

Shepard presses herself to him, rubbing her breasts across his sudsy chest. She reaches down to caress his throbbing manhood, lathering him up, the smooth glide of her palm along his length making him groan.

Pushing her back against the wall, he suddenly grabs her wrists and pins them above her, head dipping to bite at the join of her neck and shoulder. The feel of her wriggling to break free and her whimpers drive him mad with desire. Trapping her wrists in one hand, he lifts one of her legs and plunges into her.

Her head tossing from side to side, she cries, "Yes! James please don't stop. Fuck me. Fuck me hard!" With one of his arms cradling her thigh, she manages to get both legs up and wrapped tight around his waist. The water cascades over them as he thrusts into her, both quickly losing all control and rushing head-long into a massive climax.

When they come down to earth, they help each other actually clean up and dry off. She notices he's wincing after having aggravated his shoulder with their coupling and murmurs an apology as she rubs some cream into the area to help alleviate the pain. His mouth turns up in a soft smile, "Hey, no apologies. Like I said, any pain is worth the chance to be with you."

She blushes brightly and starts to put her clothes back on. As he's pulling on his shorts, he glimpses the image on one of her shoulder blades again and stops her from putting her top back on. "I've been dyin' to see what tattoos you've got."

She pulls her hair over shoulder to give him an unobstructed view. The right shoulder blade has an Alliance Marine unit insignia on it with 'Akuze 2177' below. The left hand image is the Normandy SR-1 with 'Alchera 2183' below it. His fingers trace the words scribed between the two tattoos: 'Never Forget.' A shiver runs up her spine and he wraps his arms protectively around her, tenderly kissing the back on her neck. His breath is warm against her skin, "It's good to remember. I hope you never have to add another." She turns in his embrace and buries her face against him, whispering, "Me too."

Kissing the top of her hair he guides her back, "Time for bed, Lola." Crawling under the covers, she nestles against him and falls fast asleep. James is awake for a while longer, reveling in the feel of her in his arms and rejoicing in her trust.

* * *

><p>A blessedly dreamless sleep fades to waking as she feels lips tenderly brushing hers. Her body molds itself to his as she seeks to deepen the kiss. They spend the next hour stoking the fire of their passion. Thoroughly sated, James goes to wrap an arm around her, but she has different plans. As she climbs out of bed to head for the bathroom, he rolls up on his side, propping his head up and watching her swaying hips. "Want some company?"<p>

Her laughter floats back to him as she turns on the shower. "Whether we like it or not, we're supposed to be out saving the galaxy and I can't do that tied up all day in bed with you."

"You weren't tied up… though that could be fun, too," he calls after her as he gets up.

More of that glorious laughter assails his ears and he walks in to join her with a huge grin. They manage to not get too distracted and finish up to begin a new day.

As they dress, she sees the stiffness of movement in his left shoulder and the grimace as he pulls on his shirt. "After a quick stop at the Citadel to drop off all this crap we've collected we're heading for the Perseus Veil to find out what's happening with the Quarians. If you're hurting that much, maybe you should sit the next fight out."

"I'll be good to go by then, Lola. I'm not letting you stick me on the sidelines anymore."

Her voice and expression harden slightly, "If I think you aren't fully healed, you won't be coming with me."

Jaw clenching, he stares at her, "If I'm not good to go, I'll tell you. I just got you, so I'm not going to put you at risk because I'm not 100%. Trust me."

Relenting, she gives him a quick kiss, "I do trust you, James. I also need you to trust me; you may not be the right fit for every mission and I need to know you won't hassle me because of it."

Resting his forehead against hers he sighs, "I trust you. I just hate watching you walk into danger without me having your back."

"You just like staring at my ass," she jokes.

He smirks and leans around to look at her from behind, "And a damned fine ass it is!"

She chuckles, "Let's go get some chow. I'm starving."

"I'm always hungry after a good, **hard** work-out, too."

"You are incorrigible!" she exclaims. They laugh together as they head for the lift.

* * *

><p>The Normandy docks at the Citadel and the crew scatter to various tasks. Having successfully bartered a trade with the turian Tactus for medical supplies, Shepard is heading for the commons to drop off a heating unit stabilizer when she catches sight of Vega sitting shirtless in the entry to a cargo container. As she wanders up she can see there is a batarian behind him etching a new tattoo into his back. "James?"<p>

He smiles up at her, "Hey Lola. What brings you down here?"

"Securing medical supplies for the fight. So, what's with the new tattoo?"

"Well, after our little chat… ah" he grunts as the batarian continues to work, "I made up my mind. I'm gonna join the N-7 program."

She raises a brow, "And you're celebrating by getting a tattoo."

"Sort of," he chuckles. "See… there's no official channels to go through right now. So, I guess this is my way of making it official. Technically, I'm just an N-7 recruit… but, you know, I figure with you as my training officer, how could I fail? Right?"

"So I'm your trainer now?"

"Not officially, but what the hell is in this goddamn war. I'm just saying… you're my direct superior and you're N-7. So I take my lead from you. And, you know, I'll take whatever advice you got."

Shepard smirks, "Really?"

James grins, "Sure, the good advice."

"Well they wouldn't ask you if they didn't think you could handle it. But the real work starts now."

"Uh-huh. I know it seems like sometimes I don't take things seriously, but when I commit to something… I fully commit." He gives her a meaningful look and she blushes slightly.

She waves at his back, "You know that's going to sting for a few days. That, along with your injuries… are you going to be ready for duty?"

"Always." He smirks, "Hey, maybe we should get matching?"

"You want me to get an N7 tattoo?"

His tone turns suggestive, "N7… sure. Or you could get my name done… somewhere special."

"Like 'Property of' on one breast and 'James Vega' on the other?"

His grin widens, "Sounds perfect to me."

Shaking her head she chuckles, "Never gonna happen. Not unless you're willing to get 'Shepard's Toy' inked on you somewhere I won't say out loud."

He laughs uproariously, flinching as the batarian growls at him to stop moving or he won't be held responsible for the image being screwed up.

"James, meet me at the Presidium in an hour. We can have some lunch before heading back to the ship."

"See ya, Lola."

* * *

><p>They run into each other at the elevator and head to one of the cafés. The only available table has one chair against the balcony and the other with its back to the thoroughfare. A feeling of awe strikes at the trust she places in him as she takes the exposed position. Placing their orders, they settle back to relax for a few minutes, James relaying some of the gossip he's been hearing in the refugee camp.<p>

A plate of fruit arrives and his gaze becomes glued to her mouth as she dips strawberries in cream and eats them very slowly. Her eyes sparkle as she dips another strawberry, running it over his lips then taunting him by pulling it back as he goes to bite; he eventually grabs her wrist and leans forward to snap up the morsel. He lifts a strawberry dipped in chocolate up before her, watching as she slowly nibbles her way closer and then licks some stray chocolate from his fingers.

So enthralled by how fucking hot she looks eating, it takes him a moment to register who's walking up behind her. He's out of his seat and providing a solid wall of bristling guard behind her back before she knows what's going on. Looking around his bulk, Shepard sees Kaidan has come to a stop a few steps away. The two men glare at each other, hands balled into fists, James' muscles quivering as a faint blue crackle of light blossoms and fades over Alenko. Kaidan flicks a glance her way before returning his attention to the obvious threat, "We need to talk, Shepard."

Standing, she lays a hand on James' shoulder and says, "Stand down." A muscle in his jaw twitches but he doesn't move. Sighing, voice firm, "James. I said Stand Down. Kaidan and I need a few moments in private."

Tearing his stare away from the other man, James looks down into her eyes and growls, "If he upsets you, I'll toss his scrawny ass over the balcony."

Frowning, she replies, "James, I can handle this. Please, I just need a few minutes."

He studies her face for a moment before stalking a few feet away to stare out over the balcony, hands gripping the railing like he wants to break something.

Her gaze follows him briefly before turning to Kaidan. She moves around the table to take the seat James vacated and waves for Alenko to join her. "It's good to see you, Kaidan. I admit I thought you'd be long gone from this sector by now."

He looks over at James with a glower and then has a seat. "I'm about to ship out with some of my biotics squad. Admiral Hackett had me tracking down the scattered members and the Citadel was the natural choice since it gave me access to Spectre resources."

"I see. I'm glad you were able to find some of your men. I know how it weighed on you not knowing what happened to them."

He nods, "Yeah. There are still a few MIA but most of them have survived and we'll be heading for the Crucible before being sent where the admiral needs us." He rubs his brow as though staving off a headache then reaches out to take her hand. "Shepard, are you doing all right?"

Her lips quirk into a small smile, "About as well as anyone can be right now."

"You look good, considering…"his voice trails off as he examines her.

Her forehead wrinkles in puzzlement, "Considering what?"

Glancing at James again, Kaidan's eyes bore into hers, words vehement, his grip tightening, "Why do you keep that muscle-bound ass around? He killed you!"

Yanking her hand away, her voice and eyes go cold enough to freeze the sun, "He did **NOT** kill me. I'm sitting right here, aren't I?"

Gritting his teeth he says, "I saw you in the hospital. The doctors said you died. He admitted he was the one that caused your injuries, so he kil-"

She rises to lean over the table in his face, snarling, "**HE** did **NOT** kill me. ** I** killed me." Noticing her agitation, James turns to come over, but she holds out a hand to stop him, her eyes never leaving Kaidan. "I was so fucking sick of hurting that I goaded him into a fight. Hell, I **demanded** he fight me. And I got what I wanted: I died again. And I would have stayed dead, surrendering to the promise of peace, if not for him."

Alenko opens his mouth to say something, but she cuts him off. "No. I'm not finished. I came back because he loves me, he trusts me. His feelings called out to me and I decided that maybe life was worth trying for again, worth fighting for again."

She sits back, hand covering her eyes for a moment as her voice becomes softer. "Kaidan, I can count on three fingers the men I've loved." She lifts a finger, "The first couldn't live with the fact that I wanted a life of running head-long into battle; I still try to keep in touch with him though he's moved on and has a family now."

A second finger rises, "You were the second. You were a Marine; you understood what it meant to serve. You were my conscience and my sanity. You believed in me." She takes a deep breath, hand still hiding her expression, "Then I died and was brought back. For you, it was two years. For me… it was the blink of an eye. Our reunion on Horizon was not what I expected; having you not trust me broke something inside. You'll never really trust me again. You're holding onto something that died on the SR-1 and there is no going back. I'm sorry."

A third finger lifts as she uncovers her eyes. "James. He was there for me when so many others turned their backs on me during my incarceration and trial on Earth. He didn't really know me then, but he trusted me, he gave me the chance to explain. He's stood by my side ever since and supported me no matter what. He believes in me and I know he won't run no matter how dark this gets. He loves me with all his heart and I love him as well." She falls silent, gaze unwavering from Kaidan's face.

A deep sorrow wells in his eyes as he softly replies, "I tried to come see you in the hospital, but your guard dog turned me away. It was easy to see his devotion to you, but I thought that it was one sided. Then some of the news networks showed video of the two of you dancing; you looked happy, but still I hoped it was just the thrill of being able to relax for a night. Now, I find the two of you here, acting like a couple of love-sick teenagers, and it becomes painfully clear I'm grasping at a dream." He stands to go, "In another life I think we would have been happy together."

Tears fall as she walks around the table to give him a soft kiss, the spark that used to be there gone forever. He brushes her cheek as she rests a hand on his chest and whispers, "Goodbye, Kaidan."

His smile is heart-breaking as he whispers back, "Be happy, Kaylin," then he walks away.

She hugs herself as he disappears from sight, then she turns to regard James.

Pointedly looking out into space, his profile shows tension in every line. His knuckles are white as they clutch the railing, which looks like it has been warped, and she's afraid his teeth will crack with as tight as his jaw is clenched. Walking over, she strokes the back of his hand and rests her head on his shoulder. Her words are so soft he has to strain to hear, "James, please. I needed to truly say goodbye to him so that I could move on. You're the one I want, the one I need. Please don't be mad at me."

Without warning, she finds herself trapped between him and the rail, body crushed tight to his as he gives her a searing kiss. She wraps her arms around his neck, holding on for dear life, their lips parting only when their body's demand for air can be ignored no longer. His tone is fierce and possessive as he growls, "You are **mine.** Watching you touch him made me want to rip him limb from limb. I need to know that it's just you and me now." His eyes are intense as they search hers, looking for any doubt on her part.

She returns his gaze, voice full of conviction, "Kaidan and I are done. I want only you."

Inhaling deeply, he grunts, "Good," then grabs her wrist and stalks off at a swift pace, startling a yelp from her.

For her size she has a long stride, but James' tread nearly forces her to jog to catch up, "James, mind slowing down and letting go of the vice grip?"

His relentless drive forward eases but not his hold on her. "I'm not letting go of you 'til we're in your cabin, where I'm going to fuck you until you can't see or walk straight."

She gives a startled laugh, blushing, and shakes her head, "And if I say no?"

He looks back at her, "Will you?"

She blushes brighter, "No, but that's not the point."

He smirks, "I'm gonna make sure you never forget that we belong together."

She falls silent, surrendering and enjoying the feeling of being wanted that washes over her.

When they reach the Normandy, she pulls him to a halt. "You don't have to lead me through my own ship. I promise not to try and run away." She bites her lip and looks at him through her lashes, "Well, not unless you want to try and catch me."

His eyes light up but just shakes his head, "Maybe later. I just want you in bed, naked, now." He tightens his grasp, all but dragging her in his haste to be alone.

Joker calls out, "Hey Commander. I can put out the call to everyone to get back on ship if you want."

James shakes his head and grins at Joker, "No point. Don't let anyone bother the Commander until further notice; she's going to be… occupied… for a few hours."

Joker's jaw drops as he keeps looking between the two of them; James leads Shepard off before Joker can make some smart-ass comment. As soon as the elevator door shuts, they're all over each other, half undressed by the time they make it to her room. They spend the next several hours claiming each other body, heart and soul.

* * *

><p>"Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch<p>

Of all the things I've believed in  
>I just want to get it over with<br>Tears form behind my eyes  
>But I do not cry<br>Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul  
>Words that I'm hearing<br>are starting to get old  
>It feels like I'm starting all over again<br>The last three years were just pretend  
>And I said,<p>

Goodbye to you  
>Goodbye to everything I thought I knew<br>You were the one I loved  
>The one thing that I tried to hold on to<p>

I still get lost in your eyes  
>And it seems that I can't live a day without you<br>Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
>To a place where<br>I am blinded by the light  
>But it's not right<p>

Goodbye to you  
>Goodbye to everything I thought I knew<br>You were the one I loved  
>The one thing that I tried to hold on to<p>

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
>I want what's yours<br>and I want what's mine  
>I want you<br>But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you  
>Goodbye to everything I thought I knew<br>You were the one I loved  
>The one thing that I tried to hold on to<br>The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall  
>I will lie awake<br>You're my shooting star


	11. Chapter 11: Overcome

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

**_Warning: _**_This chapter contains a character memory of sexual assault. The act of assault is __**not**__ described in graphic detail, but the emotions and reaction to the event is. For anyone that has suffered this type of injustice, please be careful reading this. _

_Sexual assault is the most under-reported crime in the US and most of the world. If you are a victim: GET HELP. Don't let your attacker win; what happened is NOT your fault. PLEASE never think you are alone, that no one will understand; there are people out there that can help. And while you may feel like you'll never trust again, never love again, it can happen and you can move past the pain. _

__Author's Note: Real life emergencies take precedence over writing, so there may be a while before the next chapter. Thank you to those who have been reading so far.__

* * *

><p>"Wash Away Those Years" by Creed<p>

She came calling  
>One early morning<br>She showed her crown of thorns  
>She whispered softly<br>To tell a story  
>About how she had been wronged<br>As she lay lifeless  
>He stole her innocence<br>And this is how she carried on  
>This is how she carried on<p>

Well I guess she closed her eyes  
>And just imagined everything's alright<br>But she could not hide her tears  
>'Cause they were sent to wash away those years<br>They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent  
>But still I'm silent<br>When tragedy strikes at home  
>I know this decadence Is shared by millions<br>Remember you're not alone  
>Remember you're not alone<p>

Well if you just close your eyes  
>And just imagine everything's alright<br>But do not hide your tears  
>'Cause they were sent to wash away those years<br>Well if you just close your eyes  
>And just imagine everything's alright<br>But do not hide your tears  
>'Cause they were sent to wash away those years<br>They were sent to wash away those years  
>Maybe we can wash away those years<p>

For we have crossed many oceans  
>And we labor in between<br>In life there are many quotients  
>And I hope I find the mean<br>the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes  
>And just imagine everything's alright<br>But do not hide your tears  
>'Cause they were sent to wash away those years<br>Well if you just close your eyes  
>And just imagine everything's alright<br>But do not hide your tears  
>'Cause they were sent to wash away those years<br>Maybe we can wash away those years  
>I hope that you can wash away those years<p>

* * *

><p>Thoroughly satisfied, the two of them are curled up on her bed with James tracing patterns on her skin and kissing along her neck.<p>

"Uh, Commander?" Joker sounds somewhat nervous and guilty, "I know Vega said not to bug you guys, but we're coming up on the Quarian delegation and they're saying they want a get together with you. Figured you might want to finish up... whatever you're doing and have time to get ready."

"Thanks for the heads..." her voice quavers slightly as James decides to start sucking on her nipple, "up. Tell them to give me half an hour and I'll meet them either in the Norm..." she swallows hard as his hand drifts between her legs,"...andy's conference room or on their vessel." She gives James a half-hearted glare, but his expression is completely unrepentant as he continues to wind her up.

"Will do, Commander." There is a pause, "You sure half an hour is enough time? EDI said maybe you might need another hour or two..."

Biting her lip to not moan as James' tongue does amazing things to her, Shepard manages to keep her voice level for a moment to say, "Make that an hour, Joker."

A snicker is audible over the speakers as he replies, "Aye, aye, ma'am."

Once the comm is severed, she turns and pounces on him, growling, "You are an evil, evil man Mr. Vega."

He laughs as she straddles him and laces his fingers with hers. "You gonna punish me for it?" Lifting their joined hand, he places a gentle kiss in the center of her palm.

The next thing he knows, she's yanked her hand from his and is halfway across the room, pulling the sheet off the bed to cover herself as she makes her way to the bathroom. He rises up on his elbows to watch her and jokes, "So you're going to punish me by making me chase…" His words trail off as her body language sinks in: she's definitely not being playful; in fact she is trembling as she trips over the blanket and staggers into the bathroom.

As she begins to retch, he's on his feet and running up to her, but she flinches as he draws near. Brow furrowed with worry, he crouches a few feet away, "Hey, Kaylin, what's wrong? What did I-"

Her head jerks from side to side and she grinds out, "Go. Please just go away. I'm fine."

He reaches for her, but she shrinks from his touch and his jaw tightens, voice filled with concern, "You're **not** all right. Tell me what I did wrong."

Refusing to meet his eyes, Shepard's voice cracks, "Just go away! I'll be fine."

Hurt springs to his eyes to match the worry, but he rises and steps back, "Should I have Esteba-"

Whip-crack, "NO!" White-knuckled grip on the toilet, fighting back the tears, she chokes out, "I need to be alone. _Please_."

James watches her for a moment longer; a tight pain in his chest seeing her huddled on the floor. His words are soft and resigned, "I'll leave you alone, but if you need me I'll come running." He goes out and dresses quickly, peeking his head into the bathroom one last time to see her unmoved from her position, then walks out. He sits on the landing with his back to the door and waits for her.

Violent shudders rack her body as soon as the door shuts. Gasping for breath, she clenches her fists and presses them to her forehead, wishing that the images flowing through her mind would stop. The memory of another man kissing her palm, biting, hurting. She lunges to her feet and turns the water on, pouring soap and scrubbing relentlessly at her body, trying to wipe away the feel of that man's touch, the filth, the sense of sickness. The water has run cold as she lifts her face into the spray. _He's not here. He can't hurt you. Get it together. There is no time for this. You're stronger now. Don't let him win. Lock it down again. _

Shower turned off, she towels off, wrings the water from her hair and pulls it back into a bun. A few deep breaths help her steady her nerves, "EDI, how much longer until I'm to meet with the admirals?"

"They are expecting you in eight minutes, Shepard. Do you require extra time or assistance?"

"No, EDI. I'll be there." She rubs some cream on her face to lessen the puffiness, dresses in her fatigues and opens the door to find James camped outside.

He scrambles upright as the door slides open. Her face is an impervious mask of calm, though, if you look closely enough, there is a trace of redness around the eyes that attests to her tears. He lifts a hand towards her, but she steps out of reach, tone cool, "James, I have to get to the war room for my talk with the Quarians. Did you need something?"

He blinks, frowning, "Yeah, Lola. I need to know what just happened in there; you looked scared. I've never seen you like that before. Don't shut me out."

"James," her tone tired and distant, "Look, I can't explain right now. There isn't time and, even if there was, I'm not ready. I promise to tell you later; I need to focus on the mission now. _Please_."

His hand drops as he moves out of her path, "Sure thing, Commander. I'll just get out of your way."

Opening her mouth a handful of times to say something, she simply sighs and closes her eyes, whispering as she enters the lift, "I'm sorry, James."

A clang reverberates through the elevator shaft as James slams his fist into the wall.

* * *

><p>The meeting is much as she expected: the quarians admit to waging war on the geth and need her help. She agrees to assist them so long as they pull the civilians out of the combat zone, earning Admiral Koris' approval. One good piece of news comes out of the event: Tali was promoted to admiral due to her knowledge of the geth and that means she will be working closely with the Normandy. Once the other admirals leave, she invites Tali up to her room to catch up. "Tali, you ok?"<p>

"No, not really. Seventeen million live are riding on me… and I don't know if I can save them."

"You're doing everything you can. If the fleet falls, it won't be because of you."

"I couldn't do this without you Shepard. I feel like I'm bluffing. Trying to convince them the admiral's daughter knows what she's doing."

"Not the admiral's daughter. The admiral."

"I know. And at least now, I can push back against the worst ideas. That's why I accepted the position… and because of you."

Shepard look at her skeptically, "Me?"

"When they offered me the position, I asked myself what you'd do. I thought you'd take the chance to make things better." Her tone becomes self-deprecating, "That probably sounds stupid. It's just, I know I'm not really qualified for this…"

"You're doing fine, Tali. And thanks," Shepard responds warmly. "Do you know what happened to Legion?"

"He returned to geth space after you turned yourself in."

"And you haven't seen him since?"

Shifting from foot to foot, Tali replies hesitantly, "I… Legion and I sent a few messages. I was hoping we could try negotiation. But I was outvoted three to two. Admiral Koris was the only one who believed it would work."

"Any idea where Legion is now?"

"No. In his last message it said the geth were having trouble reaching consensus."

"And then nothing?"

"Maybe it was fighting the Reaper takeover, or maybe it didn't want to give intel to an enemy." She shrugs. "I should get back before the admirals get into trouble again. I'll talk to you later."

"I know Garrus, Liara and Joker would love to see you, too. Maybe later we can get together in the lounge and reminisce old times."

"I'd like that, Shepard."

As Tali leaves, Shepard sits down to review the data on the ship they are about to attack.

* * *

><p>Upon entering the Tikkun system, the battle is in full swing. Joker initiates the stealth system and expertly guides them through the field of debris and fighting ships to close with the dreadnought. Boarding proves to be tricky with an uncomfortable experience for Shepard having to do some EVA and the docking tube detaching en route.<p>

After hard fighting against multiple geth units, dodging through electrical pulse waves, and nearly being fried by the main battery, they eventually reach the main core. Nothing prepares them for the discovery of Legion shackled amongst Reaper tech. As they work to free him, Shepard gives a mental groan as Tali and EDI get into a debate regarding the geth decision to side with the Reapers when the Quarians attacked them. When Legion is released, he lowers the defenses of the dreadnought and the group prepares to evac back to the Normandy.

A wave of geth troops in the company of a Prime block their retreat. Over the comm system, Admiral Gerrel orders the Heavy Fleet to take out the dreadnought. _I should have fucking known he'd pulled something like this…_ A head shot takes out the Prime and Shepard dashes for the exit. "Come on. We need to get off this ship before it's turned into scrap metal! Let's get to the escape pods ASAP."

"Shepard-Commander, geth transmit intelligence via remote signal. We do not use escape pods."

"Suggestions?"

"Geth fighters are docked in the port side fighter bay. We can pilot a fighter to safety."

"Lead on."

They pelt through the vessel as it begins to break apart under the assault, narrowly making it to a small fighter. They pile in as Legion swiftly maneuvers the ship out of the wreckage and Shepard sends off the rendezvous coordinates to the Normandy. Joker sends, "Just waggle the wings or something so I know which one is you."

* * *

><p>Shepard is taking off her helmet while disembarking from the shuttle when she is pulled into a tight embrace. She flinches in surprise but then surrenders to the passionate kiss that James bestows on her. Despite the questioning look from Tali, she holds onto him as he gently sets her back on the deck. "When that quarian cabron had his fleet open fire on your position, I thought I'd lost you. If he fucking comes anywhere in my reach, admiral or not, he's in for a world of pain," he growls. His hands cup her face as he kisses her again, reassuring himself that she's alive.<p>

Reluctantly she disengages herself from him. "James, I have to go deal with the pendejo now." He grins at her use of his word as she continues, "We have a short turn around for the next phase of the mission and I need you to be ready for deployment."

"You know I'm always ready for a fight, Lola."

Setting her rifle on his work bench, she starts stripping out of her armor. "Normally I wouldn't ask this, but could you make sure my weapons and armor are good to go? We have to try and rescue the civilian fleet commander's crashed ship and I'd rather not waste any more time than necessary since I have to speak with the admirals."

He looks down at her sniper rifle and nods, "It'd be my pleasure, Lola. Hell, I'm honored: you never let anyone touch your baby. I'll make sure she's ready for you." Her answering smile helps him set aside his pain over the parting they had that morning.

He's already disassembling the weapon as she walks with Tali and Legion to the lift.

* * *

><p>A loud argument between Raan and Gerrel is underway as Shepard's team enters the war room. Raan gets in Gerrel's face, "Your unilateral strike endangered us all! I should charge you with treason."<p>

"I was within my authority as admiral of the Heavy Fleet!"

Tali and Shepard descend the stairs side by side as Raan gestures to them, "And what of Shepard? And Tali'Zorah?"

"They escaped unharmed! Shepard, the mission parameters changed. You're military. You understand that."

Taking the last few steps she closes with Gerrel, her voice containing barely leashed fury, "I understand that you wasted your chance to withdraw safely!"

Gerrel answers defensively, "The dreadnought was a perfect target."

Fists clenched, she controls the urge to punch this sack of shit. "This is **exactly** the kind of shortsighted, bloodthirsty behavior I was worried about."

"If you could retake Earth with a little friendly fire, you'd do it in a heartbeat!"

Eyes narrowed and nostrils flaring, she growls, "You're lucky I need your ships, admiral."

Gerrel mutters an excuse of needing to return to his fleet before retreating while Raan tries to explain his behavior. Rather than dwell on her anger, Shepard moves on to what needs to be done next, asking about Admiral Koris last known location. The admiral is more than happy to change the subject and gives what little details are known and then thanks Shepard for cutting the geth off from the Reaper code that was offering them enhancements.

At this moment, Legion steps forward and the quarians immediately reach for their weapons; Kaylin quickly moves to block their fire and calm them down. Legion clarifies that only long-range control of the geth has been disrupted, but there is a base on the planet surface that needs to be taken out for full control to be released. Raan hurries off to a vid conference with the rest of the fleet to warn them all is not as good as hoped for.

Grabbing a quick bite to eat from the mess, Shepard heads back down to the hangar to gear back up for the mission. Her rifle gleams in the light and she smiles at James, "I knew you'd take good care of her." He offers to help her put her armor on, but she deflects his attempts by asking him to help Tali make some adjustments to her weapons; there is still the lingering feeling of discomfort about being touched too much and she does not want to upset him more, or herself for that matter. Once everyone is squared away, they pile into the shuttle and head for the surface of Rannoch.

* * *

><p>The operation was an overall success; they managed to save Admiral Koris, but at the expense of his crew. The loss weighed heavily on the admiral as well as Shepard, but the decision ultimately came down to the need for Koris to help keep the remainder of the Civilian fleet together with the main body of the forces. Even the quarian admitted in the end that it was the right choice.<p>

A brief stop in the war room causes Shepard to have to settle some disputes: first backing Raan in regards to pulling back the Heavy fleet and then helping Tali in her argument with Xen about locating escape pods. _Why does it seem like these people have no common sense? Enough people are dying without intentionally throwing lives away. Hopefully they'll behave themselves while we're taking out the geth server. If Gerrel pulls another stunt and fails to aid the liveships in escaping, I'll have his hide._

"EDI, I need you and Tali again to help take out the server. Meet us in the shuttle bay."

"Of course, Shepard."

Other than a look of consternation, James doesn't give her trouble when she tells him that he'll be sitting this part of the op out. "I get it. Techies are better at taking out the computers. I'd just try ripping some wires out or kicking the damned things."

Flashing him a grin, she kisses his cheek and the group boards the transport.

Legion springs on her that she'll have to enter the consensus and she's a bit apprehensive at first, but the experience turns out to be surreal. Data files give her a glimpse into the past of the two warring parties and she finds herself frustrated by the futile loss of life because the Quarians were afraid of their creation. The real surprise comes at the end of the mission: Legion salvaged the geth programs from the system and they chose to serve in the fight against the Reapers. Boy, was Admiral Hackett going to be shocked!

* * *

><p>Back on the Normandy, she has one final meeting with the admirals before heading down to find out what Dr. Chakwas wants with her.<p>

"Shepard, remember our agreement? We'd open a bottle of Serrice Ice brandy every year, and it's my turn to buy."

"Buuut it hasn't been a year yet."

Chakwas sighs, "Yes, well, something tells me we won't have the chance a few months from now, so indulge my impatience."

Smiling bemusedly, "You grab the glasses. I'll open the bottle."

They drink and trade old war stories, both getting tipsy. Chakwas finishes a funny anecdote about Joker then chuckles, "Ah, Shepard… you know, I just realized… you've never called me by my first name."

Scoffing, speech mildly slurred, "Well, neither have you."

"And I never will," Chakwas replies matter-of-factly. She stands up straight, voice full of pride, "You are Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel, conqueror of the Collectors, savior of the galaxy! Using your first name just disrespects everyone you're fighting for, alive or gone."

"That makes no sense."

"Consider it a lady's prerogative then. Come, let's have a toast!"

They both raise their glasses, the last of the liquor gleaming in the light, as Shepard declares, "To a woman I'm proud to call my friend! I'm lucky to have you with me, Karin."

"And to you, dear friend. It is my great honor to share this journey with you… Commander Shepard," placing heavy emphasis on the name, "And good fortune to us all!"

Saying their good nights, Kaylin heads out.

* * *

><p>After a long day, Shepard returns to her quarters to get some much needed rest before the main operation on Rannoch. She had just changed into a pair of sweats and curled up on the bed when the door chime rings. "Enter."<p>

James steps in but waits near the entrance, "You up for talking, Lola, or should I take off?"

Drawing her knees to her chest, she waves him to the couch. Once he's seated, they look at each other in silence for a time before James coughs uncomfortably, "I did something that spooked you real bad this morning and I'd kinda like to know what so I don't do it again." He frowns as he sees her curl up tighter. He maintains his distance despite his desire to hold her close and tell her it will be ok.

She stares at him, the warm buzz from the brandy cooling into a dull ache in her skull as she struggles to find the words to say, then she licks her parched lips and whispers, "Don't ever kiss my palm again." His confusion is plain, so she takes a deep breath to steady herself before launching into an explanation.

"The unit I lost on Akuze was transported to the planet aboard the SSV Warsaw, commanded by Captain Baker. He had a reputation for being a hard-ass, ran a very tight ship, and if you crossed him you might as well kiss your career goodbye. He also had a rep for taking a keen interest in young female officers, saying they needed a little extra help in the old boys club." The muscles in her jaw jump as she grinds her teeth and James gets a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I was ordered to report to his quarters in PT gear. He wanted to review my unit files and then 'put me through my paces' to see if I would be capable of handling a group of male marines."

Her gaze loses focus and he can tell she's seeing something she'd rather forget. His voice is gentle, "Kaylin, you don't have to-"

Vision snapping back to the present, she interrupts him with a grim look, "Yes. I do. I thought I'd managed to lock it away deep enough it would never see the light of day, but it's back and you deserve to know how fucked up I am."

Taking another deep breath, she closes her eyes. "We sat side by side on the couch in his room, passing personnel folders back and forth. He'd lean in close to point at something on the paper I held and make a comment, but eventually give me some space again… Until the time he didn't."

Arms lock tight around her knees, eyes squeeze shut, and she swallows hard before continuing. "I thought he was just going to bring my attention to something else when he lunged and pinned me to the couch. I was too stunned at first to do anything as he kissed me, but the first time he grabbed my breast I started to fight. He was about your size and I didn't have as much training as I do now, so, coupled with the element of surprise, he had me in a position I couldn't break free from."

James barely resists the need to gather her in his arms and beg her to stop hurting herself as she trembles in a ball on her bed. Her voice breaks a few times before she can go on, "God, how I tried to break free… His hands and teeth were everywhere. He kept telling me he knew I'd be a 'feisty one' the moment he saw me. How he was sure we'd have 'a lot of fun together' and he was going to enjoy breaking me. Women didn't belong in command and should learn their place and he was going to make damned sure I knew mine."

Tears slide unheeded down her cheeks, "It seemed like an eternity; he just wouldn't stop. I finally realized he was turned on by how much I fought back so… I stopped." A brittle, humorless laugh chokes out, "I stopped moving and it pissed him off at first. He tried to get me to respond, but I drifted into the fugue state you get when you've been running on no sleep and pushed your body to the limits and everything hurts so much that it all turns numb."

She shudders, "Eventually he got bored playing with a limp doll and got off me. Not sure how long it took for me to come around enough to get up. He'd straightened up the scattered papers and sat at his computer as if nothing had happened. I did my best to adjust my clothes and tried to walk out the door, but it was locked. That's when he came up behind me. He took my hand, kissed the palm and bit down on the heel so hard it drew blood. I can still smell my blood on his breath as he whispered against my ear that no one would believe me if I told them what he'd done, that he'd make my life a living hell if he found out I said a word, and that he looked forward to the return cruise when they picked us up post-mission."

Her hands have shifted to scrub hard up and down her legs as if trying to wipe off something vile. Watching her breaks his heart, but he's afraid he'll hurt her if he tries to touch her right now. He's about to speak when she continues. "Spent the next few hours trying to wash away the feel and smell of him. All the other women that came through the showers looked at me like I was nuts and got angry with me for using up the hot water, all but one and she just gave me a haunted look and walked away."

Unable to keep quiet any longer James, growled, "You reported the sick pendejo, right?"

Her head snaps spastically side to side, "No. He was the ruler of his ship and no one on board would have gone against him." A snarl rips from her lips, "I hated that man and I refused to let him see that he broke anything in me. So, after a few hours of mental breakdown in private, I locked it all in a little box in the furthest part of my soul because I couldn't afford to fall apart. Then came the mission on Akuze and that trauma helped me further bury what he'd done to me."

Steeling herself, she finally opens her eyes to look at James. She's expecting him to look disgusted at her or, worse, like he pities her, but all she can see is his love shining through along with anger she can tell isn't meant for her. A ragged sob breaks through her, "James…"

She's engulfed in his embrace as he pulls her into his lap and against his chest, stroking her hair and murmuring softly in Spanish. She clings to him, face buried in his shoulder, giant racking sobs coursing through her. They remain like this until the tears finally dry up; he tilts her chin up to stare into her eyes, gently wiping at her cheeks. "Mi corazón, I'm sorry I hurt you."

She protests, "You didn't know. I've never told anyone. Tried my best to forget. It took me a few years to be able to let a man touch me intimately again. I should have told you sooner."

He rests his head against hers and tenderly strokes her cheek, "You told me now and that's all that matters." His tone turns fierce, "But I intend to hunt down that mother-fucking bastard and teach him the meaning of pain."

The faintest hint of smile graces her lips, "If he were still alive, you'd have to wait in line because I'd have first dibs. Though watching you beat him into submission might have been just as good as doing it myself."

"Did you kill him?"

She sighs and shakes her head, "No. He died during the Battle of the Citadel. Got a hero's honors."

"You should still report it. Strip that cabron's name of any respect," James growls.

Snuggling deeper into his embrace, she says wearily, "No. He had a wife and kids. They don't need to have bad memories of him and he's beyond hurting anyone anymore."

They fall silent as he cradles her. The sound of her softly snoring prompts him to lay her down so she can sleep more comfortably and try to tip-toe out of the room, but she stirs half-awake and murmurs, "Please stay. I… I could curl up against your back. I know you'd keep the nightmares at bay; after all, you're my knight, aren't you?"

He makes his way back to the bed and caresses her cheek, tone full of love and tenderness, "I'll slay any dragon for my princess." Her smile warms him as he gets them both situated under the covers, with him lying on his side so she can mold herself to his back. He's never been on the inside of the spoon before, but finds he doesn't mind so long as she is the one at his back. They both fall into a sound sleep.

* * *

><p>"I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin<p>

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise  
>Save your breath, it's far from over<br>Leave the lost and dead behind  
>Now's your chance to run for cover<p>

I don't wanna change the world  
>I just wanna leave it colder<br>Light the fuse and burn it up  
>Take the path that leads to nowhere<p>

All is lost again  
>But I'm not giving in<p>

I will not bow  
>I will not break<br>I will shut the world away  
>I will not fall<br>I will not fade  
>I will take your breath away<p>

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes  
>Now the dark is taking over<br>Show me where forever dies  
>Take the fall and run to Heaven<p>

All is lost again  
>But I'm not giving in<p>

I will not bow  
>I will not break<br>I will shut the world away  
>I will not fall<br>I will not fade  
>I will take your breath away<p>

And I'll survive, paranoid  
>I have lost the will to change<br>And I'm not proud, cold-blooded fake  
>I will shut the world away<p>

Open your eyes!

I will not bow  
>I will not break<br>I will shut the world away  
>I will not fall<br>I will not fade  
>I will take your breath away<p>

And I'll survive; paranoid  
>I have lost the will to change<br>And I'm not proud, cold-blooded fake  
>I will shut the world away<p>

Fall!


	12. Chapter 12: Conquer and Control

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

"Bulletproof" by Five Finger Death Punch

You can take the money, you can take the ride  
>You can take it all but never get inside<br>You can't take my honor, you can't take my soul  
>You can't take the fact you'll never have control<p>

YOU WON'T BREAK ME  
>NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY<br>YOU CAN'T SHAKE ME DOWN  
>I'M FUCKING BULLETPROOF<p>

All I've learned, ITS LIKE POISON  
>All I've done, INSIDE MY VEINS<br>All I've seen, ITS LIKE VENOM  
>All I know, IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS<p>

You can keep the fortune, and you can have the fame  
>You can have the shit you never will obtain<br>You can't take my virtue, no you can't take my pride  
>You can't take the anger building up inside<p>

YOU WON'T BREAK ME  
>NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY<br>YOU CAN'T SHAKE ME DOWN  
>I'M FUCKING BULLETPROOF<p>

All I've learned, ITS LIKE POISON  
>All I've done, INSIDE MY VEINS<br>All I've seen, ITS LIKE VENOM  
>All I know, IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS<p>

YOU WON'T BREAK ME  
>NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY<br>YOU CAN'T SHAKE ME DOWN  
>I'M FUCKING BULLETPROOF<p>

All I've learned, ITS LIKE POISON  
>All I've done, INSIDE MY VEINS<br>All I've seen, ITS LIKE VENOM  
>All I know, IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS<p>

All I've learned, ITS LIKE POISON  
>All I've done, INSIDE MY VEINS<br>All I've seen, ITS LIKE VENOM  
>All I know, IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS<p>

* * *

><p>The sensation of someone drawing patterns on his skin pulls him slowly awake and he unconsciously grabs her hand. Warm breath tickles his ear as she murmurs, "Finally up, sleepy head?" He rolls over and pins her tight to his body to give her a long, passionate kiss. Feather-soft kisses along her jaw lead him to whisper in her ear, "I'm definitely up. The question is what you want to do about it."<p>

A shiver runs through her and his sleep-fogged brain takes a moment to register that she's gone still beneath him. He lifts his head to meet her gaze and there is a flicker of pain and fear that she tries to smother. "Shit," he curses as he quickly rolls off her to kneel on the floor beside the bed.

Blinking back tears, she takes a few unsteady breaths before turning her head to face him, "James I'm sor-"

He lays a finger on her lips to stop her, trying to keep his own voice gentle and not give away how much its killing him that he scared her, "No. I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the pinche idioto that listened to his dick instead of thinking."

She shakes her head and slams her fists against the mattress in frustration with herself. "You haven't had to watch what you did before now and you shouldn't have to just because you brought back a bad memory. I should be over this by now; it's been almost a decade since it happened for God's sake! I need to stop acting like a frightened little girl and move on." She sits up, knees drawn to her chest as she rakes her hands through her hair.

James reaches out but hesitates to touch her, staying crouched lower than her to be as non-threatening as possible, "Hey. Stop beating yourself up, Lola. There's shit from my past that can still stop me in my tracks when I think about it and it can't even touch the hell of all you've been through." She looks at him again and he caresses her cheek, her hand coming up to pin his as he softly says, "We'll get through this. I'm not goin' anywhere."

She tries out a half-smile and whispers, "What did I do to deserve you?"

He smirks, "You became the most kick-ass woman in the galaxy, so it only makes sense you wind up with the biggest, baddest Marine around."

Her laughter makes him grin. _I'll never get tired of hearing that._

At that moment the alarm clock rings and they both jump, chuckling sheepishly at being startled. He rises up and offers her his hand, "Guess it's time we go save the world."

She lets him pull her upright, darting in to give him a quick kiss before jogging off to the bathroom. "What's this 'we' business? You know I'm the hero of this story!"

He raises an eyebrow, "So what's that make me?"

Standing in the doorway, she looks over her shoulder with a twinkle in her eye, "I could be mean and say that you're the damsel in distress I have to rescue, but we'll just call you my side-kick."

He splutters, "Side-kick?" as she laughs and shuts the door to the bathroom. He mutters half-amused, half-disgusted, "Side-kick my ass!" before yelling after her, "I'll see ya in the mess hall, Lola."

The water turns on as she calls back, "Sounds good. Have EDI tell Tali to meet us there to discuss our assault plan."

James heads out to get cleaned up and ready for the day.

* * *

><p>The team composed of Shepard, Tali, James and Legion heads down to the planet's surface; Legion splits off to provide support while the remaining three head into the base. Swarms of geth attempt to block their path, but are dispatched with only minor injuries incurred by the squad. Legion helps them by drawing off fire and directing them in opening the blast shield doors. As they continue through the building, updates on the progress the quarian fleet is making can be heard over the comm system.<p>

They reach the upper level of the structure and are set upon by a group of Primes. Shepard picks up one of the spitfires, emptying it into the closest enemy, but quickly switches back to her trusty rifle. _There's nothing like lining up the target in your sights and watching the bullet strike home._ The Primes fall to the hail of gunfire the squad brings to bear.

"Shepard-Commander, we detect no more geth in your immediate area. Reinforcements are minutes away," Legion announces.

Searching the area for anything useful, Shepard asks, "You getting anything from the base?"

"No. The Old Machines have not registered us as a threat."

James chuckles, "That's gonna bite 'em in the ass."

Legion continues after James' interruption, "We recommend haste. The creator fleet will be overrun unless you sever the geth connection to the Old Machines soon."

Cautiously Shepard approaches the balcony overlooking the iris. There is a perfectly glowing target in the bottom of the well. EDI says over their speakers, "Normandy's weapons systems are ready to sync to your target. I recommend you withdraw to a safe distance."

Shepard rolls her eyes as she lines up the laser. _I have to paint the target. How am I supposed to fucking move to a safe distance?_

The Normandy comes screaming through the atmosphere, firing rockets off, causing a massive explosion that collapses the platform the squad is standing on. They all groan as they crawl to their feet, armor and shields having cushioned the fall enough to not kill them. A large shadow rises from the wreckage.

"REAPER!" shouts Shepard as she looks around for an avenue of escape. A geth tank pulls up a short distance away and Legion announces, "We have located transport."

Shepard waves for the team, "Copy that! Everybody get to the ship! Move!"

James yells his defiance at the Reaper and fires off shots, "Die—You—Monster!"

As they make for their evac vehicle, Tali calls out, "How are we supposed to fight that thing?"

"I was hoping your fleet would lend a hand," Shepard replies.

As the others pile into the main body of the tank, Kaylin climbs up to the turret gun on the outer surface.

The tank takes off and Shepard has EDI patch her through to all the allied vessels, "Shepard to Fleet: It's not a Reaper base! It's a live Reaper! I need an orbital strike!" She takes pot shots at the monstrous machine while they get clear of the blast radius. "We're clear! Fire at will!"

Lasers connect with the enemy and it collapses in a hail of debris. Unfortunately, the machine isn't down for the count and the quarians are still being jammed from anything but manual targeting. Shepard orders Legion to pull over and she hops down. "If we run away, the geth stay under Reaper control, and the Quarians are dead. This ends now. EDI patch the quarians to the Normandy's weapons system. I want the targeting laser synced to the whole damned fleet."

Her team listens in and James struggles to turn and get out the door. Legion inquires, "Do you need assistance?"

"Just stay down, Legion. I'll take it from here."

James curses as the door refuses to budge. "Open the god-damned door, you fucking tin-can!"

"Negative. Shepard-Commander stated she will deal with the situation. We will do as she ordered and fall back." The vehicle pulls away.

"Lola, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Finishing this son of a bitch off."

"Let me do it. If something goes wrong, I'm expendable; you're not."

He can hear her take a deep breath; hear the pain and the anger in her voice, "You're not expendable to me. Besides, I'm better suited for this; I'm the damned sniper, remember? Now wish me good luck and let me fucking concentrate."

He hurls himself down in a seat, bowing his head as he replies, "Give 'em hell, Lola. And hurry it up; we got some celebrating to do once the cabron is dead."

"Damned straight!" As the Reaper gets up, she switches to the ship channel, "Shepard to fleet. I'll paint the weak spot. Link up with the Normandy and be ready to fire!"

Her gaze focuses on the iris as it opens to fire at her. _Breathe. Wait for it to start its attack on you and dodge just out of reach. Breathe. Line up the shot and signal the strike._ This is her mantra as she calls down barrage after barrage, the Reaper looming ever closer to her position.

The Reaper's canon bathes her in a bloody glow as she holds the target laser steady. _This better be the last shot or I'm fubar; it can't miss at this range._ Suddenly the heavens rain down destruction and the crippled machine falls. The cheers from her team ring through her helmet as she leans for a moment against a boulder. _Thank God. James would never have let me rest in peace if I got myself killed._

As she nears the cliff's edge to examine her downed foe, a light brightens in its frame and a loud mechanical voice booms out, "Shepard."

Taken aback, she asks, "You know who I am?"

"Harbinger speaks of you. You resist. But you will fail. The cycle must continue."

She asks for an explanation, but killing all life to preserve it makes no sense and she tries to plead the case that organics and synthetics can get along. The Reaper tells her she's mistaken and falls silent.

The rest of her team returns and James spins her around, whooping, before pulling her up into a breathless kiss, "You were fucking amazing! But you don't have to be the damned hero every time; your side-kick would like to have some fun, too."

"Because dodging a death beam is fun. I'll remember that next time," she laughs. Her eyes glint mischievously as she murmurs, "Do I get a prize for defeating the bad guy?"

His answering grin sparks fire deep within her, "If you want your reward now, I'm fine with that; just didn't think you were an exhibitionist, Lola."

"I think we'll have to discuss this later."

Tali and Legion come up to them and there is a note of wondering disbelief in Tali's voice, "We did it. We killed a Reaper. Keelah…"

Legion pulls up a data screen, "We can confirm that the geth are no longer being directed by the Old Machines. We are free."

There is rejoicing amongst the quarian fleet as the geth stop fighting. Legion asks Shepard to allow him to upload the Reaper upgrades to all the geth so that they may achieve free-will. Tali is shocked and makes the case that this would allow the geth to wipe them out.

Closing her eyes, she weighs the options: give the geth a chance to truly live or risk the quarians being massacred. "Upload the code. Tali, call off the fleet if you can."

Legion immediately starts the sequence. Tali order the ships to pull back, but Gerrel refuses to withdraw. Tali pleads to Legion, "I beg you. Do not do this. Please."

"We regret the deaths of the creators, but we see no alternative."

"No. Nobody else dies today. Legion, keep going." Shepard's determination rings through as she broadcasts a demand for the quarian fleet to stand down. Both Tali and Admiral Koris give her their support but Gerrel tries to push to continue the battle.

Shepard reminds him that they are the ones that started this war and that none of this had to happen because the geth never wanted this fight, they simply defended their right to live. "If you can believe that for just one minute, this war will be over."

In the end, Gerrel orders the ships to cease fire. Relief floods through her, but it is short lived.

"Error. Copying code is insufficient. Direct personality dissemination required." Legion turns to her and a note of sadness is evident in his words, "Shepard-Commander. I must go to them. I am sorry. It is the only way."

A fist clenches around Kaylin's heart as Tali lays a hand on Legion's shoulder, "Legion… The answer to your question was 'yes.' You do have a soul."

If a machine could smile sadly, Legion would be doing so now, "I know, Tali. But thank you. Keelah se'lai." He faces the sunset as his form collapses.

James wraps his arms around her as Shepard buries her face in his chest. He rests his cheek atop her head as she cries for the loss of her friend.

Admiral Raan escapes the wreck of her crashed ship and makes it to them just as various geth units converge on their position. The situation is tense as the organics ready their weapons for another possible fight but the geth seem harmless. A single Prime unit advances and extends the offer of a shared existence with the quarians on Rannoch. It then promises the aid of the geth in the fight against the Reapers and Raan pledges the help of her people as well.

_Legion, I wish you could have lived to see this…_ Shepard leaves the two leaders as they discuss further issues to be ironed out. Tali is staring off into the horizon, but looks over as Kaylin comes up beside her and informs her of her intention to join the Normandy's crew.

"You don't have to come, Tali. I'd understand if you wanted to help your people here."

"I want to come, if you think I can help."

"Of course you can help. Besides, Joker would find a way to make my life hell if I turned you down; says he doesn't feel as safe without you working on the engines of his baby."

They share a laugh and then Tali stands, sobering, "It will be years before we can we can live without our suits completely, but right now…" She undoes the latches holding her mask in place and raises her face to the setting sun. Shepard smiles as she sees a look of joy on her friend's countenance.

James can't help sneaking a peek. _Huh. So that's what's been hiding under those masks. Not as bad as I thought…_

* * *

><p>There is an air of jubilation aboard the Normandy upon the return of the assault team. Everyone seems to want to hear the story, congratulate them or just touch the people that took down a Reaper. The off-duty personnel throw an impromptu party on the crew deck and Shepard finds herself sitting in James' lap surrounded by her old squad-mates. They trade stories about Legion, holding a small wake in his honor.<p>

"He actually tried to tell me how to better calibrate the weapons system!" Garrus chuckles.

Joker snickers, "Yeah. That's about as good as me trying to teach a krogan how to head-butt! You spend more time 'calibrating' than I spend on the extranet and that's saying something."

Shepard tosses back a shot of rum. "There was this one time on Omega when I was having a drink at the bar and he told me 'We do not comprehend the organic fascination with self-poisoning, auditory damage, and sexually transmitted diseases.' I actually snorted liquor out my nose I laughed so hard!" She rubs her nose at the remembered burning that caused as the others chuckle.

After pouring another dram, she raises her glass, "To Legion. A loyal friend, strong ally and noble soul. May his sacrifice pave the way for a lasting peace between us and the geth. May he never be forgotten." They each salute and drain their drinks.

The highs and lows of the day begin to fully take their toll on the group and everyone says goodnight. Not wanting to let go of her, James scoops Shepard up in his arms where she promptly dozes off on the way to her room. He sets her gently on the bed despite her murmured protest, takes off their boots and then climbs in so she can curl up against his back. She snuggles in and sighs contentedly as he takes hold of the hand she wraps around his chest. The last thing she hears as she drifts into sleep, "Sweet dreams, Mi Amor."

* * *

><p><em>Running through a forest, shadows weaving through the trees, darkness closing in. Tripping and hitting the dirt, roots snaking out of the ground to wrap around her, constricting. Wraiths converge, hands grabbing and pinching and twisting flesh; she opens her mouth to scream but black mist surges down her throat, suffocating and cold. A small boy stands over her and bursts into flames, tone accusing, "Why didn't you save me?"<em>

* * *

><p>She bolts upright with a scream and rips at the sheets that have gotten tangled around her. Panting, she looks around to find James is nowhere in sight. <em>My dream catcher left...<em>

She walks to the sink, splashes cold water on her face, and fills a glass to drink. The door to her room opens as she's brushing her hair and a heavenly smell wafts through the air. Soon James' head pokes around the corner. "Sorry I wasn't here when you woke up; I thought you might like breakfast in bed."

"Whatever it is, it smells absolutely delicious. I hope you brought a lot because I am ravenous."

She follows him out to discover he's made scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, and French toast. A covered bowl and a pitcher of iced juice sit to the side of the main course on the table. They flop on the couch and pile up their plates, polishing off the food in record time. Shepard licks her fingers, "Mmmmmmm. **That** is the way I want to start every morning. You can fight, you can dance, you can cook; is there anything you can't do Mr. Vega?"

"If I find something, I'll let you know," he says with a cocky grin.

She chuckles and sips her juice. "So, what's in the bowl?"

Whipping off the lid with a flourish, he reveals a divided bowl of strawberries and cream. "You seemed to like these so much when we had lunch that day that I thought it might be a nice reward for defeating the bad guy." Her eyes light up and she licks her lips as she reaches for a berry. He sits back to watch her slowly devour the fruit and he wishes desperately she had her lips on something else. _Keep it in your pants, idioto. Maybe she'll like your idea, maybe she won't. You are __**not **__fucking this up by pushing her too fast. Lotion and cold showers can be your friends again if she's still scared._

Shepard's halfway through the bowl by the time she notices that James hasn't had a single piece; his eyes seem glued to her mouth. She offers him the strawberry she's holding, "You going to eat some or just watch me gobble them up like a pig?"

"I could watch you lick that cream **all **day long and not get bored," he replies suggestively as he leans forward to eat the berry out of her fingers.

She blushes, snagging another piece to tantalize him with. They feed each other the rest of the fruit, but there is some cream left over. She bites her lip then scoops a dollop of the sweet substance onto her finger and brings it to his lips.

He inhales sharply as he stares at her offering, then looks into her eyes to make sure she's really good with this before he licks her finger clean. Her eyes close part-way and he can see her shiver, but he's pretty damned sure she enjoyed that.

_Madre de Dios, forgive me for my unclean thoughts and give me strength to resist being a horny bastard._ Swallowing hard, he presents her with some of the whipped confection.

She leans forward, lips parting to engulf him, biting down gently just beyond the edge of the cream. Her tongue swirls around his finger and his eyes shut as he groans audibly. Then she's sucking as she slowly pulls her head back, his finger sliding free of her pursed lips.

He gives a throaty growl, "Lola, you're making this real hard for me…"

Her gaze drops to his lap then focuses back on his face as she sighs in frustration, "James, I'm sorry. I shouldn't tease you like this when I'm not sure I can follow through." Shepard worries at her bottom lip, "I want to… believe me I want to, I just…" She wraps her arms around her head as she gets up to pace, "Gah!"

He takes hold of her arm to halt her progress, looking up at her, "Hey! None o' that. I said we'd figure this out and I meant it." Reaching into a pocket of his fatigues he pulls out a couple lengths of cord. "When I left I had something else I needed to get; thought we could try something."

She lifts an eyebrow and looks quizzically at what he's holding. Stretching them out, he shows her a couple sets of cargo stays. "You joked the other day about being tied up in bed with me," he sees her flinch, "but I thought maybe if you tied **me **up, we could see about you conquering your past for good."

He offers her the straps and she hesitantly picks them up. Failing to meet his eyes, she jerks on them, testing their strength as she says, "You want me to tie you up? You'd be just fine being helpless?"

"I'd let you fucking stake me out naked in the sun covered in honey if that's what you needed." She snorts, but her eyes dart up to gauge his sincerity and she becomes trapped in his gaze. "Kaylin, I want you. I want **us.** I'd go to hell and back to make us work." He gives her a smug smile, "If letting you tie me to a bed and have your wicked way with me will do the trick, then I'm all for it; I like a woman who can take charge."

Shepard studies him for a moment before returning his smile, "All right."

He blinks, "All right?" His smile turns into a grin and he says with more enthusiasm as he pulls off his shirt, "All riiiiight!" He dives onto the bed and comes to rest on his back, spreading his arms out to either side of his head. "Let's get it on!"

Rolling her eyes as she laughs, Shepard comes up to the head of the bed, searching for a point to fix the first of the restraints and securing his wrist. She repeats the procedure with his other arm and steps back, "I really want you to try and get loose."

He realizes she needs to know he can't get free and hurt her – _like I'd ever do that… she knows it, too, but she's still scared thanks to that twisted sack of shit_ – so he struggles to break out of his bonds and proves she can tie some strong-ass knots. "Not going anywhere."

"EDI, we need a few hours uninterrupted. If Joker's not awake yet, tell him we're headed back to the Citadel for a meeting with the Asari counselor."

"Understood, Shepard. Lt. Vega, are you-"

"-just where I want to be."

"Very well."

Shepard giggles at the interchange, and then steps forward to take off James' pants. Still fully clothed she moves to the head of the bed and leans down for a long, heated kiss. She kneels on the mattress and begins slowly tracing every contour of his body with first her fingers and then her tongue.

Fine tremors pass through him as her ministrations drive him wild. The one thing he wants her to touch she keeps avoiding and he can't help but thrust his hips up as she draws near his lap again.

Her hair has fallen in a curtain around her face and he can barely glimpse the impish gleam in her eyes as she hovers above his groin, her warm breath making him twitch. "Did you want something, James?"

Trying to maintain control, to be good, he lets his head fall back and rumbles, "You know what I want."

His hips buck and he moans as she nuzzles him and whispers, "I need you to say what you want, to ask me nicely."

Panting he softly begs, "Please will you wrap your hot, wet mouth around my cock? I need you."

"Done." The fabric of his briefs is pulled down and he lifts his hips to help her get them **off**, then her sublime lips are sliding over his straining member and he just about loses it then and there. Between her tongue and hands he quickly succumbs and she stretches herself out beside him.

Shepard tilts her head to nibble on his jaw and he turns his head to steal a kiss. As they break apart, he smirks, "That was a good warm-up, but I hope you aren't finished yet."

Her answering smile causes desire to rise in him again and he watches her avidly as she stands and pulls off her top. "You and I have plenty of time left for another round, Lieutenant." Her pants pool at her feet and she steps over to the dresser; she can feel his gaze like a caress on her bare flesh. Digging through her clothes, she pulls out a scarf and turns back to him. "Letting me tie you up has helped, but I was wondering if you'd let me try something else as well?"

James eyes the fabric in her hands and replies huskily, "I'm up for anything you can dish out, Lola, if it means more time with you."

She licks her lips and murmurs, "I want to blind-fold you."

"You want to see how much I trust you," is his knowing reply.

A soft sigh escapes her, visibly worried about his response. "Yes. Will you let me?"

He grins up at her, "Like I said, I'd do anything to make this work. You just gotta promise not to sneak Joker in to take pictures or let Esteban have his way with me."

The tension drains out of her as she laughs, "But Steve will be so disappointed! I promised him a threesome."

He chuckles, "He'll just have to live with it. I'm not sharing you with anyone."

"Even if I said that it was with Liara instead of Steve?"

"Tempting… but still not sharing; you're all mine, Lola." His tone is mostly playful, but she can hear the note of possessiveness in the background and it sends a small pleased shiver up her spine.

He studies her reaction to his words and is happy to see she didn't act scared by his claim on her. "Before you turn the lights out for me, do I at least get to see your gorgeous body? Gotta have a mental image to hold me over."

"Because you haven't seen me naked before and don't already have a picture you jerk off to in your mind," she chuckles as she slowly undoes the clasp on her bra.

"Always willing to have a new vision of loveliness to file away; though I'm hoping not to need to resort to pictures in my head when the real deal is available." He can feel himself stirring back to life as she bends over to remove her panties and offers a tantalizing view of her tight ass. She moves towards him and he drinks in the glory of her, voice dropping an octave, "God, you are so beautiful. I'd be a happy man if I could make love to you forever, Kaylin."

She flushes from head to toe as she climbs onto the bed at his feet and crawls like a cat up his body. Whispering, "I'd like that very much," she presses herself to him and kisses him until they are both breathless.

The soft silk of the scarf settles over his eyes and he lifts his head so she can secure it. She murmurs, "If you don't like it and want me to stop, just tell me."

"I can't imagine wanting you to stop," he replies with all his heart.

The mattress shifts and she's no longer there. He turns his head from side to side, straining to hear where she may have gone, but to no avail. After a moment he settles down to wait. Something tickles his right hand but disappears before he can grab hold. Then it's stroking his left knee and traveling up his thigh causing him to squirm. "Having fun, Lola?" he hoarsely inquires.

"Hmmmmmm." That came from near his elbow. Something warm and sticky is dribble onto his chest and there's a whiff of maple syrup. The mattress dips and then she's lapping up the sweet treat; he shivers with the sensation. _I might have to let her blindfold me more often. My skins hypersensitive and every little touch has me ramped up._

When his skin is thoroughly cleaned, he feels her shift position then the scrape of her nails along the inside of his arm from wrist to shoulder. His hands flex in their bonds as her hair brushes across his neck and face.

She's placing gentle kisses up his throat and then licking along the shell of his ear before sucking the lobe into her mouth. The sound of him moaning her name spreads fire through her body and she bites at the point jaw meets neck, her fingers ghosting over the skin of his belly. She can feel the muscles contract as his hips thrust up slightly.

The surface of the bed moves as she disappears from his side. His breathing is quick and ragged as he pulls against the restraints. Suddenly something cold is pressed to his lips and he opens his mouth to receive a piece of ice and then her warm tongue follows it in. The kiss lasts while ice turns to water then she pulls away.

Another piece of ice traces his lips and then trails over his chin, down his throat, in slow loops around his chest and across his nipples before flowing down the center of his abdomen. A shudder rolls through him as his belly sucks in the lower the ice descends. Just before reaching his groin the ice disappears and she straddles his body, her cold tongue licking the tip of his cock and he bucks his hips. The dichotomy of hot and cold as she swallows him down is amazing and he struggles not to lose control.

The scent of her arousal filters through and he realizes that he can feel her damp heat on his upper chest. He tucks his chin and darts his tongue out, just barely able to taste her sweet flesh. The sound of her moan is gratifying and her body shifts to bring her closer to his questing tongue.

They're both nearing climax when she moves away again. He cranes his head around and growls, "Kaylin, please…"

She undoes the blindfold and reaches to undo the strap on his left wrist when he grunts, "Don't. You need to be in control; I **want** you in control. Just please God tell me we're not done."

Her smile is beatific and steals what little breath remains to him. Hair cascades around his face as she climbs back atop him and gives him a searing kiss. He feels her whisper against his mouth, "I'll never be done with you, James, as long as I live," and then she sheaths him in her molten core.

Overwhelming need bursts through them and their hips rock together in a frantic pace. He gazes in rapt adoration as she caresses herself, first her breasts and then a hand drifting to where they are joined. The sound of her crying "James" over and over as she shudders in ecstasy sends him over the edge shouting her name and the world fades for both of them.

She's releasing the restraints, massaging his wrists and whispering apologies for the marks left behind by his struggles when he comes down enough to notice his surroundings. She's draped across his body and he wraps his arms around her, gently stroking her hair. He murmurs, "That was… I can't even find the words for how damned amazing that was. If you want to do that again, I'm all in, but maybe we can get some padded handcuffs first?"

Shepard giggles and kisses him on the chin and then lingers on his lips. She luxuriates in the feeling of satisfaction, warmth and safety she has right now. "I love you, James."

His heart swells as he gazes down at her, "I love you, too." Soft and hesitant he asks, "Are you… is everything…" He sighs in frustration not knowing how to ask if she's got any lingering fear.

She reaches up to trace his jaw. "I'm ok I think. I know you're not him; I always knew that, but… You gave yourself over to me and that did wonders for my feelings of confidence and security. I can't say I'll never have another moment when the fear hits me, but I trust you with all my heart and soul, so I know we'll manage somehow."

They snuggle together until they have to go back to the real world.

* * *

><p>"Never Surrender" by Skillet<p>

Do you know what it's like when  
>You're scared to see yourself?<br>Do you know what it's like when  
>You wish you were someone else<br>Who didn't need your help to get by?  
>Do you know what it's like<br>To wanna surrender?

_[Chorus:]_  
>I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow<br>I don't wanna live like this today  
>Make me feel better<br>I wanna feel better  
>Stay with me here now<br>And never surrender

Do you know what it's like when  
>You're not who you wanna be?<br>Do you know what it's like to  
>Be your own worst enemy<br>Who sees the things in me I can't hide?  
>Do you know what it's like<br>to wanna surrender?

_[Chorus]_

Make me feel better,  
>You make me feel better,<br>You make me feel better,  
>Put me back together.<p>

_[Chorus]_

Put me back together,  
>Never surrender,<br>Make me feel better.  
>You make me feel better,<br>Stay with me here now,  
>And never surrender.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13: Triumph After Defeat

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

* * *

><p>"Won't Back Down" by Fuel<p>

I know what darkness means  
>(and the void you left for me)<br>The isolation stings  
>(So think it wants to bleed)<br>The echoes in my brain  
>(Of the things you said to me)<br>You took my everything  
>Now I'm coming for you!<p>

_[Chorus:]_  
>I won't back down<br>I will not bow  
>I've come to bring you hell<br>I can't forget  
>Things you did<br>I've come to bring you hell

The shadows that you see  
>(In the places that you sleep)<br>Are memories of me  
>(Better pray your soul to keep)<br>The truth behind your eyes  
>(You know that place you never see)<br>Your darkest little lies  
>Are coming for you!<p>

_[Chorus]_

All the scars that never heal  
>All the wounds that will not seal<br>I will not forget the day  
>These memories never fall<p>

_[Chorus]_

I've come to bring you hell  
>(I've come to bring you hell) <em>[x4]<em>

* * *

><p>So far the mission on Thessia had been an unmitigated disaster. Too many good soldiers had died to get them to the temple and now they had to play find the relic while even more died holding off the enemy. They'd discovered the bodies of the scientists who might have been able to give them some information; they'd been killed by an unknown assailant. To make matters worse, Shepard had decided to bring Javik on this little excursion and all he'd managed to do so far was rile Liara up when the team desperately needed to keep their cool. While a small part of her is highly interested in the history lesson on Protheans assisting the advance of the Asari people, the main part wishes he'd just shut the hell up and help figure out which of these things might be hiding the information on the Catalyst.<p>

Javik mentions that he senses something speaking Prothean as they stand before the statue of Athame. He and Liara bicker back and forth as Shepard's attention is drawn to the figure, their argument fading out of her awareness as the tell-tale feel of a beacon calls to her. "There's a beacon here."

Shocked, Liara breaks off her fight with Javik, "What? You're sure? Why would they hide it?"

Javik replies snidely, "The answer is obvious: power and influence. Your people are hoarding the knowledge of my race for their own gain."

Liara tries to deny it, but there really can't be any other explanation and Shepard lets a bit of her frustration out, "Well, if it is true, the asari should have shared this knowledge. We might not have been in this mess if they had."

"You don't know that, Shepard," Liara defends, "We don't know what's going on here." She steps forward to scan the statue but Javik discovers the initial key to unlocking the beacon. A quick search of the area reveals the other pieces to the lock and they are able to activate a VI stored within the device.

The program basically tells them they are too late to try and save this cycle, but some coaxing from Javik seems like it will get the thing to tell them about the Catalyst. _Finally he's good for something…_

Unfortunately, just as the computer is about to tell them what they need to know, it announces there is "an indoctrinated presence" and shuts down as Kai Leng appears. He presents them with a communication sphere and another futile attempt at reasoning with the Illusive Man ensues. As both parties acknowledge that the other won't see their point of view, the Illusive Man orders his minion to retrieve the info and then Kai Leng and a damned gunship attack them.

The airship takes out the structural supports for the temple and Shepard nearly plunges to her doom, but makes it up in time to watch their only hope at defeating the Reapers disappear.

A message crackles over the radio: the asari team that had bought them space to advance to the temple is under heavy fire and requesting assistance. Shepard tries to find out their coordinates in the hopes of mounting a desperate rescue, but screams ring out over the comm and are all too quickly silenced as a Reaper descends not far away.

Heart-sick and defeated, the team returns to the Normandy.

* * *

><p>After relaying the devastating news of the fall of Thessia and the mission's failure to the asari counselor, Shepard joins her squad in the war room and orders a retreat from the system. Liara looks shaken but tries to reassure her, telling her it wasn't her fault, but Shepard wants nothing of false comfort.<p>

"I'm sick of Cerberus beating us to the punch."

James exclaims, "Let's kick 'em in the balls first for a change."

"I'm with James. Anyone know where they're hiding?" She looks around the group, but no one makes eye contact.

EDI actually gives Traynor a look of encouragement and eventually the lieutenant speaks up, stating that she tracked Kai Leng to the Lera system where his signal became jammed. The only world of note there is Horizon, where the refugee camp known as Sanctuary has been established. Shepard thanks Traynor for her hard work and dismisses the group so she can have a video conference with Admiral Anderson.

"Shepard, I heard about Thessia."

Fury and despair fill her words, "We were so close, Anderson. So damned close to ending this war."

"You didn't think it'd be that easy, did you?"

"I knew going in there wouldn't be a minute of this war that was easy." Her tone becomes self-castigating, "But watching Thessia fall… and knowing it was my responsibility."

Anderson remonstrates, "Shepard, you know how many times I got my ass handed to me over the years? Surviving the First Contact War back in the day was a goddamned miracle. They said I was a hero. I just felt lucky to get out alive. So maybe Kai Leng did beat you. What of it?"

She's turned away from him, ashamed of her failure, "It could cost us the war."

"These guys in the resistance, they know it's a losing proposition. They know the chances of seeing tomorrow are slim to none. But we all signed up anyway. Hell, I'm sitting in London right now, staring at rubble. I was born here, and it's looking like I might die here, too. So I say point us at the Reapers, and we'll take our chances."

Turning to face him again, her faith in him wins out for a time over the anger as she replies, "You'll make it, Anderson. And when this is all over, you can show me London."

He gives a grim chuckle, "It might need a new coat of paint first. Shake this off, Shepard."

She reassures him, "I will." His image fades out and she heads up to speak with Joker, her mood slightly improved.

* * *

><p>Joker is talking with EDI about the need to finish the Crucible when Shepard walks up. He glances over his shoulder at her and says, "So, Thessia, huh? Guess the asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now." He turns to look at her more fully, "Too soon?"<p>

"In case you hadn't noticed, we just lost a few million people. This isn't the time," she angrily retorts.

Joker flips through his screens, calling up an image of a planet. His voice is harsh, "You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there. So does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware there's a war on, Commander."

"So why the jokes?" she accuses.

His chair swivels around so he can look her in the eye. "Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like, more than Akuze, where thresher maws ate the rest of your squad. And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told **me** to take care of **you**." His tone is full of disbelief and frustration as he emphasizes, "The guy leading the resistance – **on Earth!** – is worried about **you**. And I'm supposed to help."

Trying to down-play her current feelings of defeat, she replies, "I appreciate the thought, Joker, but I'm fine."

He scoffs, "The hell you are. You're half robot at this point." He looks over at EDI for a moment, "No offense, EDI." His attention returns to Shepard, his tone full of self-recrimination, "And it's my fault. When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave… because you came back for me."

She tries to defuse the tension between them, "Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?"

"Yeah, well… I guess that would've looked bad on your report."

"Come on. We've got work to do."

He turns away as he answers, "Maybe you should go spend some time with James; remember how to be human."

"I'll think about it." As she's walking away, a memory stirs a feeling of dread. "Hey, Joker? What's your sister's name? I can try and check through my Spectre contacts to see if she made it out."

"Hillary. She's fifteen. Kept telling me she wanted to be just like me when she grew up. Told her not to wish for jacked up bones."

She feels like she's been punched in the gut, but keeps her tone light, "I'll see what I can find out."

"Thanks Commander."

* * *

><p>As she makes the rounds of the rest of her team, each of them offers her encouragement: reminding her that there was nothing more she could have done; that this wasn't her fault; that they'd kick Cerberus' ass and retrieve the data; that they all believed in her and one loss didn't mean they were out of the fight. Normally she's the one bolstering spirits, but this time she realizes that she needed to know her people hadn't lost faith.<p>

After breaking up an argument between Liara and Javik, then helping Liara come to terms with what happened to her home, Shepard heads up to her room, where James is patiently waiting. He opens his arms and she steps into his embrace, face buried against his chest. He rests his chin atop her head, "Hey, for what it's worth, I know how it feels to lose like that. I know that doesn't make it easier, but… you're just human like the rest of us."

She sighs, her words muffled, "Everyone seems to think I'm some… super-human. That I'm going to be able to save the universe. Right now I just feel like one lowly person who hasn't got a clue how to save herself, much less anyone else. I'm not the hero they're looking for."

He pulls away, tilting her chin up, "Hey, everyone on this ship knows you did all you could. You need to cut yourself some slack. Whatever it takes to get that data back from Cerberus, we're behind you. Whatever it takes to end this."

She brushes his lips with hers and gives a faint smile, "I know, James. You have no idea how much that helps me go on, especially your support. Joker says you're the only thing keeping me from going full on robot."

He caresses her cheek and chuckles, "You're definitely **all** woman." He looks her over from head to toe and smirks, "…Though I wouldn't mind examining you thoroughly to be sure you weren't replaced when I wasn't looking. You know, just to be safe."

She laughs softly and shakes her head but the humor soon fades. She walks away to pour herself a drink from the stash of rum she has in her bureau, keeping her back to him. "If you were pretty sure you knew what happened to someone's family, would you tell them, even though it meant letting them know they're all dead?"

His brow furrows, an edge to his voice, "You know something about my family, Lola?"

"No! No," she quickly responds, sitting down on the couch. "It's Joker. Back when I was visiting Thane and Kaidan in the hospital I kept overhearing this asari commando's therapy session. She's been assigned to evacuate the colonists on Tiptree and things… went very badly. She stayed with a family there who had a girl of 15 named Hillary who wanted to be a pilot. The house was attacked and she escaped with their daughter, but eventually the commando killed her in a moment of fear and weakness because the girl was going to accidentally give away their position." She swallows the liquor in one gulp. "Joker's from Tiptree and his sister's name is Hillary. Don't imagine there are a lot of girls there by that name wanting to grow up to be like their brother the famous pilot." Her eyes close and she hangs her head.

"Damn." James sits down beside her and tops off her glass before filling a glass for himself. "I don't know what to tell ya. Me, I'd want to know. It would hurt like hell, but it'd be just one more reason to kill the damned bastards responsible. Joker… not sure. Maybe hope's better for him since he can't fight the pendejos directly."

"Maybe." She tosses back the contents of her glass and then straddles his lap, nibbling his ear and whispering, "I need to forget all this for a while. Help me remember I'm alive?"

He gathers her close and for a time they say goodbye to the rest of the world. Her sleep that night is plagued by nightmares of her dead.

* * *

><p>When they arrive at Horizon, the strike team sent in to investigate Sanctuary is comprised of Shepard, Garrus, and James. Signs of heavy fighting are all around with both Cerberus and Reaper casualties. Evidence surfaces that Henry Lawson had been conducting human experimentation to find a way to control Reaper forces. They are all sickened by the cavalier attitude of the Cerberus personnel as they describe the progress of the studies of the indoctrination process.<p>

They make their way through the facility, fighting off hoards of husks interspersed with some of the larger monsters. Miranda has come before them and leaves a trail of transmissions to help them along. Unfortunately, Kai Leng is also at the facility and seems intent on taking her out and destroying the evidence of what Cerberus has done there. One of the logs reveals that the experiment was a limited success in that they could use the indoctrination to control the enemy troops, but that they were still a long way from turning that into control of the Reapers themselves.

In the main tower they come to a standoff between Miranda and her father as he holds Oriana hostage. Shepard offers to release Henry if he peacefully hands over Oriana and the research data. He agrees but is thrown by Miranda's biotics as soon as he frees her sister. Miranda tells them she placed a tracking device on Kai Leng before he disappeared, the first real break they've had in finding him and the data on the Catalyst. Shepard and Miranda hug goodbye as she takes her sister somewhere safe. After stripping any useful information from the computers and turning off the comm scramblers so a message will play to all incoming flights that Sanctuary is a trap, the team returns to the ship.

* * *

><p>The final showdown is drawing near, so Shepard has them dock at the Citadel again to take on last-minute supplies and give everyone a chance to grab shore leave. She and James had made a habit of stopping for a meal together every time they were on the station, but this time he said he had some errands to run and he'd cook her dinner tonight to make up for it. Hiding her disappointment, she quickly deals with coordinating the distribution of items she's collected for various groups along the way, and then picks up a bottle of tequila for James and a negligée for after dinner before returning to the ship.<p>

* * *

><p>Taynor informs her that Admiral Hackett would like a word with her. They discuss plans for attacking the Illusive Man's base and the need to move on to Earth directly after as the Reapers are likely to notice. She raises a few points that have been nagging her, such as the fact that the Illusive Man might actually be right and the Reapers can be controlled. The admiral instructs her not to even try traveling down that road as its suicide and orders her to kill the Illusive Man when given the chance.<p>

One other lingering doubt surfaces that she raises hesitantly, "If I may, Admiral, I have a personal question."

"Speak freely, Commander."

Taking a deep breath, she asks, "Why me? Why put me in charge of all this?" With the loss on Thessia fresh in her mind, she's been reliving each of her failures over the years, all the men she's lost, all the wrong choices. _Surely there's some admiral or general out there that could do a better job. Leading a squad is my forte, not an entire battle fleet._

"Because you're the only soldier in this whole damn navy who knows how to kill Reapers."

She scoffs, down-playing her accomplishments, "You just have to be smart and hope you get lucky. Anyone can figure it out."

"Your dossier says otherwise, Shepard. You were trapped on Akuze all those years ago and you were the only one to make it out alive. Back then I saw more than just a soldier in the making."

The screams of her men float through her mind and she shivers. _Everyone always says how amazing it is that I survived, like it's something to be proud of. But I lost my command and gained nothing of value._ Her self-doubt colors her tone, "And because of that you think I qualify to save the galaxy?"

"Shepard, let me tell you something that I've learned the hard way. You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe."

She frowns in confusion, "I don't follow, sir."

"When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'd win. But your crew didn't seem to care – they went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega 4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve." His respect and admiration are clear. "Why? Because they believed in you. Their leader. That's what I need now. Where we're taking them is liable to get pretty hairy – and I know you're the one who will get us to the other side."

Humbled by his confidence in her and by the apparent level of hope and belief he thinks she instills in people, Shepard bows her head for a moment and then looks him square in the eye, voice strong and determined, "I won't let you down, sir. We'll beat Cerberus and stop the Reapers if it's the last thing I do."

"That's what I like to hear from you. Let me know when you're ready for the fleets to mobilize."

"We'll be ready by 0600 Citadel standard time."

"Good. Hackett out."

* * *

><p>That evening, both of them had dressed as if for an evening out: he in dress shirt and slacks, she in blouse and skirt. James is as good as his word, whipping up a dinner of steak – she doesn't question the provenance of the meat – with red skin potatoes and steamed vegetables. The piece de resistance is a small strawberry shortcake, which they delicately feed each other. After licking the last crumbs away, she smiles, "You bought the cake, right? If you actually made that, I <strong>will<strong> chain you to the kitchen once this war's over."

His laugh is infectious. "Might be worth it; but, no, I didn't actually have time to try making it."

"Ah well." She rises and opens her dresser drawer, pulling out a bottle of Patrón Añejo, presenting it to James with a smile. "I'm not much of a tequila girl, but I was assured by Steve that this was an excellent choice; he said I might actually like it."

As he takes the bottle and pulls the cork, he inhales appreciatively, eyes lighting up. "This must have set you back a lot of creds, Lola; can't imagine where you found it out here."

"Steve gave me some ideas where to hunt and, as for price, what do I need money for? If we survive this, the whole galaxy's going to be broke and we'll manage. I'd rather enjoy our last uninterrupted night before battle."

"Hmmm. Sounds good to me." He pours them both a hearty amount of the liquor, watching as she takes a sip, amused by the look of pleasant shock on her face as she finds the taste to her liking and takes a longer drink. Each of them has a second and third glass before she turns on some music and pulls him up to dance. For a time they move to the rhythm, letting go of their cares.

Telling him to sit back, she continues to dance alone, slowly undoing the buttons of her blouse to reveal a confection of hunter green lace cupping her breasts. Mouth instantly dry, he takes a long slow drink of tequila, eyes glued to the vision unfolding as her shirt falls to the floor and the flyaway baby doll top is fully exposed, so easy to remove with the simple untying of a bow. She sways closer to his seat and then, as he reaches for her, twirls away, back facing him.

As the zipper on the back of her skirt is lowered, he finds himself sitting forward to better glimpse the mesh lace stretched across the top curves of her ass. The cloth pools at her feet and he is thoroughly entranced as she struts back to him with a smug smile on her lips. This time she does not pull away as his hands slide over the soft material, a soft moan escaping her as he leans in to lick from her navel up to just below the tantalizing bow.

Voice husky with desire she murmurs, "Make love to me all night. I know we should sleep, but this might be our last chance together and I don't want to waste a minute."

He draws her down to his lap, kissing her soundly before whispering back, "Your knight stands ready, my queen."

The rest of the evening is spent blissfully in the pursuit of pleasure, burning memories to carry through the dark days ahead. A black box lies forgotten in his pocket.

* * *

><p>Waking from yet another nightmare, she stares up at the stars racing by in the skylight. <em>I am so damned tired of all this. Thane, I miss you; you always had a way of helping me see what was needed, to know that we would persevere; you were a calming balm to my nerves. Perhaps you should have prayed for my sanity and not my soul. Mordin, I could use your confidence right now, your constant chatter, your silly songs; hell, I'd love to hear you lecture me on sex again, though, seeing as it's a human, maybe you'd just warn me not to get pregnant. Ash, you were always so dependable, tough as nails; you believed in me and I could use a hefty dose of that right about now. I've always had faith we'd find a way through, but this time… The whole galaxy's at stake and I've already failed once. Knowing the possible life or death of billions rests on me weighs heavy on my heart.<em> James stirs beside her and she reaches out to caress his arm. _If for nothing else, we have to win because I want eternity with you, James…_

The touch on his skin drags him fully awake and he sees her curled up in a ball, a pensive expression clouding her face. He sits up and pulls her into his lap, tucking her head under his chin. "What's got you looking so down, Lola?"

Snuggling deeper into his embrace, her voice barely audible, "Do you really think we can win?"

He squeezes her tight and kisses her hair, voice fierce, "Hell yeah! We're going to kick major ass today and then the Reapers better run 'cause they're next and what we do to Cerberus will seem like a fucking picnic compared to the hurt we lay on them. Nothing can stop the indestructible Commander Shepard and her team of hard-charging commandos!"

Her body shakes with laughter and he ignores the slight edge of nervousness in the sound. Once she collects herself, Shepard pulls away enough to cup his face between her hands and gives him a tender kiss, voice full of wonder, "You always know how to cheer me up. Thank you for believing in me."

"It's only fair I believe in you since you keep telling me you believe in me. Now, what say we hit the shower and see if we can get even dirtier before we clean-up for the fight?"

Smacking him lightly on the chest, Shepard giggles and heads for the bathroom with James close behind.

* * *

><p>"Hero" by Skillet<p>

I'm just a step away  
>I'm just a breath away<br>Losin' my faith today  
>(Fallin' off the edge today)<p>

I am just a man  
>Not superhuman<br>(I'm not superhuman)  
>Someone save me from the hate<p>

It's just another war  
>Just another family torn<br>(Falling from my faith today)  
>Just a step from the edge<br>Just another day in the world we live

_[Chorus:]_  
>I need a hero to save me now<br>I need a hero (save me now)  
>I need a hero to save my life<br>A hero'll save me (just in time)

I've gotta fight today  
>To live another day<br>Speakin' my mind today  
>(My voice will be heard today)<p>

I've gotta make a stand  
>But I am just a man<br>(I'm not superhuman)  
>My voice will be heard today<p>

It's just another war  
>Just another family torn<br>(My voice will be heard today)  
>It's just another kill<br>The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

_[Chorus]_

I need a hero to save my life  
>I need a hero just in time<br>Save me just in time  
>Save me just in time<p>

Who's gonna fight for what's right  
>Who's gonna help us survive<br>We're in the fight of our lives  
>(And we're not ready to die)<p>

Who's gonna fight for the weak  
>Who's gonna make 'em believe<br>I've got a hero (I've got a hero)  
>Livin' in me<p>

I'm gonna fight for what's right  
>Today I'm speaking my mind<br>And if it kills me tonight  
>(I will be ready to die)<p>

A hero's not afraid to give his life  
>A hero's gonna save me just in time<p>

_[Chorus]_

I need a hero  
>Who's gonna fight for what's right<br>Who's gonna help us survive

I need a hero  
>Who's gonna fight for the weak<br>Who's gonna make 'em believe  
>I need a hero<br>I need a hero

A hero's gonna save me just in time


	14. Chapter 14: Fight of Our Lives

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

"The Gauntlet" by Dropkick Murphys

Well I just got back from a break in the fight I was weighing in heavy but still feeling alright  
>All I hear in the distance mines and shells<br>Here come the sirens wailing another attack to be repelled  
>Do you think we're gonna make it?<br>I don't know unless we try  
>You could sit here scared to move or we could take them by surprise<br>It's submission that they want  
>It's surrender that they need<br>When we're doing it their way their aims will be achieved

They're gonna come when you're not ready  
>When you're not to well-prepared<br>They're gonna prey upon your weakness no man's soul is ever spared  
>You've got to stand up, yeah, and fight them<br>Show them what it's all about this man is not for sale there will be no backing down

Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you!  
>We shall succeed<br>Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you!

They won't get me they won't get me  
>Though they never cease to try<br>They won't get me they won't get me  
>I would rather fight and die<br>They won't get me they won't get me  
>Well my friend will they get you?<br>When they get you when they get  
>You tell me what you gonna do?<p>

Do you think we're gonna make it?  
>I don't know unless we try<br>You could sit here scared to move or we could take them by surprise  
>It's submission that they want<br>It's surrender that they need  
>When we're doing it their way their aims will be achieved<p>

They're gonna come when you're not ready  
>When you're not to well-prepared<br>They're gonna prey upon your weakness no man's soul is ever spared  
>You've got to stand up, yeah, and fight them<br>Show them what it's all about this man is not for sale there will be no backing down

Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you!  
>We shall succeed<br>Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you!

Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you!  
>We shall succeed<br>Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you!

* * *

><p>In the war room, Shepard watches the holo display of the fleet taking position around the Cerberus base. Preparing to go to the flight deck to watch the Normandy's final approach on the station, she is stopped by EDI. "Shepard, I should accompany you on this mission."<p>

She already had Liara and James awaiting her in the shuttle bay, but entertains the idea of substituting EDI for Liara. "Why?"

"With my knowledge of Cerberus protocols and codes, I offer the best chance for mission success."

"You're certain you want to do this? There's no chance the Illusive Man can regain control of you?"

"Since Jeff freed me I have updated my security parameters to prevent any incursion by Cerberus' scientists. As for wanting this… the Illusive Man must be stopped if Earth is to be saved and I wish to be of assistance; I would do more good with you than by staying aboard."

"All right. Grab your gear and we'll tell Joker together that you're in the mood for a hands-on fight."

Joker is not particularly thrilled with EDI going, raising the same concern that she might be taken over, but she assures him she'll be fine and he relents. Once EDI heads for the shuttle, Shepard reassures him that she'll bring his girlfriend back alive before she leaves as well.

* * *

><p>Their shuttle takes a beating on entry and enemy soldiers immediately engage the team, but are quickly wiped out. Alarm systems blare as EDI discovers that the hangar bay is about to be vented and they scramble to find a console for her use to shut down the procedure. Shepard sighs with relief when EDI gives the all clear, "Lucky we brought you after all. I would have hated to try and have you talk me through that remotely."<p>

"It is unlikely you would have been able to complete the task in time. You would have been vented into space."

A shudder runs through Kaylin, memories of her death rising to haunt her before she shoves them back down. "Thanks for insisting you join us. Now, can you get the doors open?"

"No, but I can access flight launch controls."

Shepard raises an eyebrow at the comment, wondering what that has to do with anything, but figures she'll find out soon enough. After fighting a few more waves of troops, they make it back down to the main floor and EDI triggers one of the jets to launch itself through the center of the base. James whoops his pleasure at the destruction, "Yeah-ha-ha!"

The team presses on through the bowels of the station, meeting resistance from Atlas mechs and turret lines along the path. The human members of the squad are both appalled by the needless waste of lives caused by Cerberus' use of Reaper tech to turn civilians into cannon fodder. "Figured it was dumbass volunteers who didn't know any better. That's… damn," James mutters with shocked disgust.

_The weight of sin piles even higher on the Illusive Man's shoulders. He'll pay for what he's done._ Shepard grows angrier and more determined by the minute.

Yet another locked door bars their way and EDI sets to work opening it, but directs Shepard to review some data on a nearby console. Logs from Project Lazarus appear on the screen and she stares with trepidation at what is revealed.

The first entry details how some of the scientists were sure that she couldn't be saved due to the length of time she was anoxic and the effects that has on the brain. Rubbing her arms to try and ward off the remembered cold, she murmurs, "I didn't realize it was that bad."

James steps up behind her and rests his hands on her shoulders, offering comfort and support. "I thought they found you in a coma. You okay, Lola? You remember anything?"

Glancing at him over her shoulder, she swallows hard and then turns back to the screen, sounding like she's trying to convince herself as she says, "I'm still me. I doubt I'd have been able to turn against Cerberus otherwise. I don't remember anything. Maybe they really just fixed me, or maybe I'm just a high-tech VI that thinks its Commander Shepard. But I don't know. I-"

James interrupts her, voice full of conviction, "I've never doubted you're the real deal and you shouldn't either. It don't matter what they did to put you back together, you're still Commander Kaylin Shepard, best damned Marine to ever walk God's green earth."

A half-hearted chuckle forces its way out of her and she gives him a small smile, "Thanks, James." She takes a deep breath and lets it out, tone stronger, "You're right. I'm still the same woman that's going to take this asshole down. He doesn't get a pass for wanton destruction just because he saved me once upon a time."

The next file discusses concerns that she wouldn't play ball with Cerberus because of their part in what happened on Akuze, but the boss man assured his stooge that she'd be on board because she needed resources that the Alliance wouldn't provide. This bit of information only firmed her resolve to take out all Cerberus operations once and for all.

In the last log it became apparent that the Illusive Man did everything in his power to coerce her behavior, bringing on her former team-mates and former Alliance personnel to help ensure her cooperation. The anger is clear in James tone, "The bastard set you up, using your friends to keep you comfortable."

"In the end, he did me a favor by bringing everyone he did together. If I'd had anyone else for a team, we may not have been able to destroy the Collector base and we'd all be a lot worse off in this war." Jaw clenching, she adds, "He's still going down."

Further along, another set of files discloses the creation of EDI and her part in protecting the crew from intrusion by Cerberus. Shepard looks at her with respect, "You never told me about this; we all owe you a debt of gratitude for your help."

"You had more pressing concerns at the time and you are welcome. I have come to feel like a part of the crew, to – care – what happens to them. You are supposed to protect those you care about, correct?"

"Correct and we are very lucky to have you as part of the family," Shepard smiles as she replies.

Hackett periodically checks on their status and she gives him the okay to fire on the ship once they've gotten closer to the central core. The station rocks with the bombardment as they proceed.

They come upon a large shaft with a metal construct strung up in the center. Slowing, James asks in concerned awe, "What is that thing?"

Shepard comes to a halt and stares at the impossible, jaw and fists clenched as EDI answers, "This is the human proto-Reaper Shepard destroyed."

"What's left of it. I'm surprised Cerberus recovered that much from the base." Her eyes rove over the mechanical monstrosity, looking for any signs of life.

Coming up beside her, James' voice is full of conviction, "All those assholes who doubted you… I wish they were here right now."

An amusing thought causes her to smirk as she shares, "They can come take pictures once we take care of business."

His eyes light up and he nods, "Damned straight."

* * *

><p>More fighting ensues but they are eventually able to make it to the control center. The room is intimately familiar to Shepard due to all the holo meetings she had in the past with the Illusive Man, but no one is in sight when they enter. The battle raging outside is visible all round them, but their focus rests on the computer screens as they search for the information on the Prothean VI.<p>

An image of the Cerberus leader appears behind them and Shepard makes yet another attempt to sway the Illusive Man to join their cause, but to no avail. During the exchange, EDI continued in tracing the data regarding the VI and activates the program as the two humans come to a stalemate. The holo connection cuts out and Shepard turns her attention to the Prothean VI. It reveals that the Citadel **is** the Catalyst and that the Reapers have moved it into orbit over Earth.

As the team prepares to inform Hackett of this turn of events and return to the Normandy, Kai Leng attacks. He sends shockwaves through the floor panels, causing them to erupt, and uses the cover to launch a strike at Shepard with his sword. Caught by surprise, she realizes she won't be able to move in time to avoid the blade, but James tackles her from the side at the last moment, the sword raising sparks as it skitters over his reinforced armor.

Kai Leng and Shepard trade taunts back and forth as the battle wears on, enemy reinforcements dropping in from above. The very floor beneath them being ripped to shreds by continued blasts from the energy sinks in Leng's palms; EDI and James pour fire on the small-fries as she deals with the assassin. A fierce sense of satisfaction floods her as a well-placed shot downs the bastard.

Sitting down at the terminal to retrieve any further useful information, she pretends not to notice as the man struggles to his feet. As he raises his sword to deliver a blow, she swings her fist around to shatter his blade and lunges up from the chair, omni-blade extending to stab through his side, piercing his heart as she growls, "That was for Thane, you son of a bitch." The weapon disappears as he collapses at her feet.

The Prothean VI decides this is the perfect time to announce that the Reapers are prepared to finish the harvest of humanity and that it is too late to stop them. She assures the program that they're not beaten yet and that it has provided them with a chance at success. The squad returns to the shuttle and flies back to the Normandy. A quick comm talk with Anderson updates him on their findings and the fleet begins full preparations for deployment to Earth.

* * *

><p>The entire ship is a hive of activity with crew making repairs, tweaking various systems, reloading weapons, and sending off last minute messages to their loved ones. Stopping in the cockpit, Shepard finds Joker having a drink at his station. They reminisce for a bit about their first tour together and talk about how they're going to kick the Reapers back to whatever hell-hole they crawled out of. She's touched by his belief in her and by his deep regard. If she weren't afraid of embarrassing him or maybe breaking a bone or two, she'd hug him right now. EDI guarantees that the Normandy is as ready for battle as it can be. "EDI, I'd be grateful if you could oversee the flying until we hit Sol system so Joker can catch some shut eye before the fight."<p>

"Shepard, I'm –" Joker tries to interject but gets cut off.

"That's an order, Joker. I need my best pilot bright eyed and bushy tailed for the worst battle we've seen yet."

Joker gives an exaggerated sigh, "Aye, aye, ma'am." As she turns to leave, she sees out of the corner of her eye him mouth, "Yes, Mom."

When she goes to check in on Garrus, she finds he and Tali locked in an embrace. She bites the inside of her cheek to fight off laughter as they make a pathetic attempt to play off what just happened as an innocent accident. "I'm happy for you. Both of you."

Tali sounds happily relieved, "Thanks, Shepard."

"Appreciate it. Guess it helps to have something to come back to," Garrus explains.

Tali looks over at him and says teasingly, "What do you mean 'come back to?' This is just a fling, Vakarian. I'm using you for your body."

Shepard covers her mouth and coughs to hide a guffaw. Garrus actually sounds turned on, "You're so mean… and I'm okay with that."

Rolling her eyes, Kaylin tells the two to make sure to get some sleep before they reach Earth as they will need to be fresh for the coming fight.

She finishes talking with the rest of the squad and has EDI make a general announcement that all crew not currently on duty are to bed down until passing through the mass relay so they can relieve the current watch. Then, grabbing James, she drags him up to her quarters and curls up with him to follow her own advice.

* * *

><p>The Normandy joins the allied fleet just before the final relay to Earth and Hackett comes aboard, giving a stirring speech before meeting with Shepard and Anderson in the comm room. They outline the plan, knowing it's a long-shot, and wish each other luck.<p>

All ships jump into place and set course for Earth; the combined fleets make a spectacular sight but it all seems so futile compared with the might of the Reaper forces. Once they close range, Shepard gives the order to open fire and the battle kicks into gear. Joker expertly guides the Normandy through the wreckage and fighters around them, entering orbit to allow the shuttles with the landing parties to exit mostly unmolested, and then he rejoins the main battle group.

Cortez mans the controls of the craft Shepard, Garrus and James are in. As they approach the landing zone, a Reaper opens fire and scores a hit on another vehicle near them. Cortez curses, "Damn it! That was the squad responsible for taking out that defense turret. No one else is available for the op."

"Then drop us here, Cortez. We have to take the damned thing out before Hammer arrives."

He maneuvers to a relatively clear drop point and the team debarks, scrambling for cover as the enemy attacks. The shuttle is taking heavy fire, so she orders Steve to bug out and return once they've taken out the turret.

The squad advances through the wrecked street, taking out numerous cannibals and marauders before a group of brutes enters the arena. Garrus and Shepard both find vantage points to snipe the large creatures, trying to draw attention away from James as he slams them with heavy carnage attacks.

A lull in the fight allows them to climb towards the downed craft that holds the heavy artillery, but at that moment a Harvester appears in the sky. Cortez moves to intercept and his engines take a direct hit, the shuttle spiraling out of view. Dread fills her as Shepard shouts over the radio, "Steve!"

A rattled response crackles over the line, "I'm all right, but I won't be picking you up. I gotta land this bird quick."

Eyes closing briefly as the fear for her friend lessens she replies, "Get safe." Garrus and especially James both appear to be as relieved as she that Cortez didn't die.

They press on, eventually discovering a handful of Cain missile launchers and Shepard is able to disable the Hades canon that threatens Operation Hammer. More forces converge on their location, they are running low on ammo, and it seems like any hope of escape is lost when the evac shuttle finally arrives. She's surprised and pleased to see Admiral Anderson aboard and they exchange a hug at their reunion. She hadn't realized just how much she missed the man until he was finally there. _Huh… I don't think I could be any happier if it was my parents instead of Anderson…_ When he talks about growing up in London, seeing the look of supreme sorrow in his eyes, she has to resist the urge to comfort him.

Anderson recovers from the instant of vulnerability and remarks on the fact that the galaxy has finally unites because of the Reapers, but Garrus corrects him, pride in his commander clear, "**Shepard's** the one that brought them together."

Amending his statement, the admiral acknowledges that none of this would have been possible were it not for her. Her cheeks flush and a warm glow fills her at his praise.

Their shuttle is on final approach for the FOB as Hammer attempts to join them. The force takes heavier losses than hoped for as they land the ground forces necessary for this arm of the campaign. The admiral is called away to deal with logistics issues and Shepard sends her current teammates to get checked out for any injuries.

Major Coats, one of the local resistance leaders, stops her for a chat, bringing up the fact that this area has been one of the hardest hit on planet but that the men haven't lost hope yet. Apparently, he believes her mere presence will boost their spirits. Shepard states, "I'm just a soldier like them."

He shakes his head and says, "You may see yourself like that, but they don't. Like it or not, Commander, you're a hero to these men and women. Don't discount the effect that can have on them."

Humbled by his words, she looks out over the assembled troops, "I'll try to live up to their expectations."

The major leaves to rejoin his battalion and Shepard starts a tour of the encampment.

Broken buildings litter the skyline, hastily constructed walls bar entry to this city block, soldiers are clumped together in small groups preparing for the next assault and listening to radios for word on their compatriots. The news is grim with casualty rates in various sectors ranging from 70% to all KIA. A pall hangs over the men near the radio as they hear the fate of the rest of the resistance.

Shepard enters a building and finds a communications specialist who offers to connect her with some of her more scattered friends. It's amazing that all she has to do is say their names and he knows exactly who they are and how to find them.

"Zaeed Massani." Good old Zaeed. When they first met, she thought for sure Cerberus had saddled her with a soulless merc who seemed interested in nothing but killing and money. As time passed, she came to appreciate the grizzled veteran, enjoying his war stories, even trying to help him fix his beloved gun. Even when she failed to help him kill Vido because she insisted on saving the innocent civilians, he forgave her and stayed true, helping in the final attack on the Collector Base. As his image appears, they talk for a bit, but there's nothing more to say when he declares, "Let's gut the bastards."

"Kasumi Goto." Ah, her illustrious thief. Mysterious, cheerful, playful. The woman insisted she try ramen and nattered on about how delicious Jacob was. She even forced her into that god-awful dress to help her at that party. Still, her funny quips and general sweetness won Shepard over; it didn't hurt that the woman could get into anywhere and anything. After a brief chat, Kasumi offers to buy drinks if they survive this.

"Samara." The cool, dedicated arbiter of justice. While Shepard tries to walk the straight and narrow, she's always been willing to bend the rules where necessary. Not Samara: she sees everything as black and white and the commander has been hard-pressed at times to stop her from arbitrarily executing people who strayed just a bit. When the monastery was destroyed and the justicar was about to kill her own daughter, Shepard intervened to keep her from making a mistake she'd regret forever. Thankfully, the girl came up with a solution that satisfied her mother's sense of duty and they were able to leave without a further fight. Now that they are talking by vid, the justicar thanks the commander for saving her daughter and says farewell.

"Jacob Taylor." Stiff and formal at first, but he loosened up. He was a good sounding board for her concerns regarding Cerberus as he also wasn't fully certain of their intentions. Assisting him in finding out the fate of his father and then helping him deal with the aftermath brought them closer together. When she found him among the former Cerberus scientists, she was pleased to see he had found love and happiness. He could have been useful on her squad again, but it didn't seem right to split him from his wife when they were expecting a baby. Now, as they speak, he boasts his prowess in battle and they agree to compare kill counts when they're done.

"Miranda Lawson." Cold, calculating bitch. At least, that's what she thought of the Cerberus cheerleader at first. Her aloof, superior attitude grated on Shepard as did her insistence that Cerberus was beyond reproach. But the hard exterior developed cracks along the way that let the uncertainty and vulnerability show through. Her concern for her sister's welfare touched the commander and Shepard helped not once but twice to save Oriana. In the end, Miranda stood against her old employer, proving her dedication to saving humanity. The woman's spirits are flagging, but after a pep-talk, the two part ways.

"Grunt." Test-tube baby, perfect soldier, one giant handful of violent krogan. Waking him seemed like a possible mistake at first, especially as he threatened to kill her, but he slowly became a valued member of her team. Watching him grow from a brute with no ties to a loyal comrade who overcame a Thresher Maw and gained a home in Clan Urdnot was an amazing experience. His willingness to sacrifice his unit to give her time to save the Rachni queen had been a bittersweet surprise; she'd hated asking it of him, knowing how she would feel in his shoes. His holo picture looms over her as he thanks her for giving him a chance at life by taking him from the tank and they say goodbye.

"Jack." A force of nature, the psychotic biotic, the hard-ass killer. Breaking a person out of prison generally isn't the best way to start a relationship, especially when all the guards and other inmates express terror at the thought of the person you're busting out. It was amusing though when she suggested Kaylin take the Normandy out as a pirate ship. Honestly, there were times Shepard was afraid the woman would go on a killing spree. She was defensive, abrasive and hard to get along with, but she'd had a hard life; the things she'd suffered… The child looking for someone to care peered out of her soul when she thought no one would notice and she finally found a home teaching at Grissom. Shepard is proud to call her friend and makes a point of wishing Jack's group of biotic kids well in the coming battle.

"Steve Cortez." Amazing pilot and mechanic, stalwart companion and confidant, a true friend. She reflected on all the occasions he'd been there to comfort her, to offer sage advice, to support her when she couldn't let the rest of the crew see her fall apart. They'd helped each other move on from the pain of loss, pulled each other up to face a new day. As his shuttle flew by trailing smoke she'd been so sure he was lost and it had killed her to think he sacrificed himself like so many others to fulfill her mission. They both express relief that the other made it to safety and pray for continued longevity.

All her far-flung companions contacted, Shepard thanks the comm tech and laves in search of her main unit. James is outside talking with a group of resistance fighters, but breaks off to approach her. He looks nervous so she asks, "You okay?"

"I don't know what I thought I'd feel coming back to Earth. I was ready to fight, ready to die if I had to. But seeing everything like this…"

They both look at the destruction around them, the sound of gunfire and canons firing nearby. Her back remains to him as she replies, "You're not dying on my watch. And I know it's hard to see, but this is only temporary. But first, we need to win this thing. Stay focused. Don't let them take your will to fight."

The look in his eyes when she faces him again is intense. Dropping to one knee, James reaches into a cargo pocket to draw out a small box. Soldiers nudge their neighbors and the entire area falls quiet as everyone stops to watch as he opens the box. Held within is a dog tag made of black gunmetal set with tiny diamonds on one side as if the night sky surrounds their names; the reverse side holds an image of them dancing with the word "forever" etched beneath. "Kaylin, I know there's no guarantee we'll make it out of this fight alive, but I want you to know there's no one else for me but you. If we survive I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He searches her eyes, breath held, waiting for her response.

Her heart skips a few beats then races as her smile lights the gloomy street. "I'd like that, James. I want forever with you if you can put up with me."

He shouts his happiness, grabbing her up and swinging her around, kissing her until they come up gasping for air. "I'll 'put up with' anything you dish out, Lola, if you'll have me. …Though maybe you could stop calling me a side-kick."

Her eyes dance with merriment, "I suppose you'll just have to be my partner in crime then."

The soldiers standing in the square clap and hoot their approval, morale improved because their hero is making plans for the future as though the war is won. Word spreads quickly through the lines and an air of hope seems to stir in the men.

James helps her loosen her armor enough to slide the tag beneath and she gives him one of her old set to keep and assists him in securing it. She cocks her head to the side as she inquires, "Why tags? No diamond ring for me?"

"I've never seen you wear rings or bracelets, not even when you got all dolled up for the formal dinner. You don't wear something that might snag on your weapon and the flash of a diamond could give away your position. Besides, you keep tags close to your heart, which is where I want to be."

A blush creeps over her as she strokes his cheek, "You are such a romantic softy, you know that?"

He coughs and blushes, looking around before stage-whispering, "Hey, not so loud. I got a rep to maintain."

"Ah, yes. The 'biggest, baddest Marine around' isn't it?" she smirks.

His grin stretches ear to ear, "Damned straight, Lola."

Fingers lingering in a caress of his jaw, she lightly kisses his lips, "While I wish this moment could last, I need to gather the rest of our squad and speak with Anderson about our push for entry to the Citadel."

"I'll be here when you're ready to go."

With one last glance over her shoulder, she moves off towards the building she's been told houses the command center. However, as she passes a side street, Kaidan steps out and the look of pain and loss in his visage stops her dead. "Kaidan –"

A raised hand silences her and he studies her for what feels like eternity before he whispers brokenly, "Does he make you happy?"

Tears spring to her eyes as she answers, "Yes. …Kaidan, I never meant to –"

Again he stops her, stepping forward to grip her shoulders and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. "We hurt each other. You were right: our love was broken beyond repair when you died. I'm just glad you found someone that will stand beside you. You deserve to be happy, Kaylin."

She lays her hand over his heart and replies earnestly, "You do, too, Kaidan. Please, let go and find someone that makes your heart sing."

His smile is rueful as he tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear, "That was you." Before she can say something he continues, "But there is someone my company and I helped save recently. She's… different: strong and resourceful, yet delicate and innocent. She's an elementary school teacher who found a way to keep her class hidden and safe 'til we arrived. We've been talking whenever I have a free minute and I think if we survive I might see where things lead."

Her smile still warms his heart as she gives him a hug and kisses his cheek, "You'll survive. Fight to make it back to her. I can see you with someone that doesn't hold death and destruction as close companions. Good luck, Kaidan."

"God speed, Shepard." He lets her walk away.

In the first room, a collection of Turians discuss supply needs and various plans. She's startled to see the Primarch there and speaks with him briefly before moving on to see Garrus.

_Good old Garrus. Never thought we'd be best friends when we were first getting to know each other. Of everyone, he's always gotten me, stood by me through thick and thin. He's always found a way to make me laugh, to lighten the load when it seems ready to crush me. One of the best soldiers I've ever had the privilege to fight beside. If he'd been human, who knows how things might have gone for us…_

Plans to retire to a beach sound like heaven on earth and they agree that whatever happens, be it death or life, they have to do it together because there is no Shepard without Vakarian and no Vakarian without Shepard. "Hey, Shepard. Did Jimmy finally man up and ask you?"

His mandibles flare in a wide grin as she blushes bright red. "You give him the idea **not** to buy jewelry?"

"Nah. That was all him, though he did ask if I thought you'd like what he picked out. Told him you'd love it; also told him he better keep treating you right or he might feel a target on his back one day."

"And what about you and a certain quarian engineer? Should I be expecting any announcements?" She smirks as he looks flustered, slaps him on the shoulder, and moves on.

Liara's busy assisting the medics with the incoming casualties, but finishes her task to spend a few moments with Shepard. She offers a joining of minds once more, a final farewell, a sharing of their mutual care and respect. _Liara, you've become so much more than the naïve researcher I met all those years ago. Despite all the world-shattering revelations you've suffered – your mother's betrayal and redemption, the struggle with the Shadow Broker, the disillusionment over the true nature of the Protheans – you've managed to come out a better person, a stronger person. Please, be safe._

A shattered window overlooking a desolate landscape, Reapers limned in the distance by the light of the beam from the Citadel, is where she finds Javik. Of everyone present, he exudes an aura of calm acceptance. It saddens her to find that he intends to take his own life should he survive the coming fight, but she is not truly surprised. _We did not do him a kindness by waking him. His expectations of a galaxy prepared for the incursion, of a resurrection of his people, were dashed in mere minutes. He is a man out of time with all he held dear long gone. It is no wonder he wishes to join his men in the afterlife. We may not have seen eye to eye much, but we were lucky for the insight he was able to bring to the table and his passing will be mourned._

The Krogan are arrayed below Wrex as he stirs them up, reminding her of some of the drill instructors she's known over the years. He assures her that they can't lose, not with his people ready to go. And apparently he's an expectant father, though he's not keen on the idea of naming his kid after Mordin. _Wrex, you were a force to be reckoned with in the field, but you surprised me with your dreams for your race. Who would have thought you'd lead them so very far from the self-destructive path they were on, warring with themselves and headed for extinction, to become a united people with hope for the future._

There is a ramp leading to the main command hub and the first person she spies is Tali. _Another friend who has changed along the way: from brand new Pilgrim to Admiral. I'm glad I followed my instincts and helped her. She's been invaluable with her tech and engineering expertise; the Normandy probably wouldn't have held together through all the bombardments and outlandish maneuvers we put it through were it not for her improvements. Add to that all the practical knowledge she gave us concerning the geth before Legion joined us and I really don't think we'd have made it this far. The quarians better appreciate what a capable leader they have. Her friendship means so much to me._ Even with the prospects looking dim, Tali offers her encouragement, relating her pride in being Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

The last member of her crew is reviewing the data displayed before Anderson. _EDI… A ships computer gaining independence and truly learning what life is about; the transformation you've made is remarkable. Your questions about humanity have been insightful and occasionally disturbing, innocent and sincere. Joker is a good match for you; you temper his wilder impulses and he inspires you to become more autonomous._ When she draws near, EDI has a note in her voice that Shepard doesn't recognize from her at first as the AI outlines how hopeless the fight seems and asks why she thinks they'll be able to get to the conduit. It dawns on her: EDI sounds afraid. _Such a human emotion; she really has come closer to the way organics perceive the world._ The though is reiterated by EDI herself as she imparts one final comment. "Shepard, the Illusive Man ordered my creation years ago. Jeff was the one who allowed me to think for myself. But only now do I feel truly alive. That is **your** influence."

_It's time._ Anderson and Coats are going over the sitrep as she steps up to the table and they bring her up to speed. Operation Hammer is starting at barely half strength with little chance of further reinforcements and no air support possible due to Reaper interference. Their strike force will be hard pressed, clawing their way through Reaper controlled territory to punch a hole through to the beam. On top of the regular enemy personnel, there is a destroyer blocking their path that will have to be taken out if they have any chance of success; for that to happen they have to get tanks into position to fire on the machine. Anderson orders Major Coats and another officer to command the artillery units, giving Shepard the responsibility to force a way down the enemy's throat and provide support to ensure the tanks make it to their destination. He gives her a few minutes to rally her squad and meet up in the courtyard.

A sense of satisfaction flows through her as the disparate members of her unit assemble. "This is it. What started out two years ago as the investigation of a rogue Spectre led us to the discovery of the Reaper threat. No one wanted to listen to us, but still you stood in the breach to defend the galaxy. Some of you have been with me from the beginning, having seen the monster in the dark first hand and still daring to say 'You shall not pass.' The rest of you have joined along the way, choosing to believe what others said was crazy or impossible. You've braved fights that should have been a one way trip, but we all somehow came out alive. You are the elite, true warriors, heroes. I'm proud to serve with you, to call you my friends." She searches their faces, determination plain as they watch her. "The odds are against us, but they always have been. I've asked you to walk into hell before and I'm doing it again. The only hope this universe has is you. This time we've lost companions to the demons we face and I can't guarantee more of us won't fall, but I'll fight to my last breath to bring you all back. And we will win this war because we fight for something the Reapers cannot understand and can never hope to have: we fight for our friends, for our family," her gaze comes to rest on James as she says, "for love. There is no greater power in this universe than love." Something unspoken passes between them and for a few heartbeats nothing else exists in the world but these two. Finally she draws her awareness back to the others and grins, "Now, let's go kick these assholes out of our homes!" They cheer as she focuses her attention on her oldest squad-mate. "Garrus, you ready for one last hurrah?"

"Wouldn't dream of letting you go take on the biggest target around without me." Gathering his gear, the turian comes to stand beside her.

Without her asking, James joins the two of them, "You're loco if you think I'm letting you have all the fun, Lola."

She chuckles, eyes sparkling, "Of course I want my devil dog with me. Someone's gotta keep you out of trouble."

The ops team says their goodbyes to the remainder of the squad, Garrus and Tali no longer hiding their relationship as the quarian offers the turian incentive to return in the form of a promise of suit-less fun if he lives. They hook up with the rest of the strike force and start the final mission.

* * *

><p>The journey through no-man's-land is brutal, the little cover available providing minimal protection from overwhelming enemy numbers. The artillery companies are slowly decimated despite the efforts of the rest of the ground force. Shepard's team does its best to root out any entrenched units that might pose a problem for the less maneuverable tanks. The going is slow and, because they are trying to find hidden Reaper units, some of the artillery units are ahead of them and taking a beating. Each loss erodes their chance of bringing down the destroyer. As a few of the heavy weapons enter firing range, their attempts to hit the machine are apparently being thwarted by some guidance system jamming, a problem that does not seem to hamper the Reaper as it picks off tanks one by one. Finally, all remaining tanks rally at the designated area, the engineers desperately trying to discover a work around for the jamming; unfortunately, the group is hit hard by a flood of Reaper ground troops.<p>

Shepard and her squad arrive just in time to watch the last men being gunned down; they dispatch all the enemy forces currently in the area and search for any hope of salvaging the mission. There are only two vehicles left with functional missiles. Major Coats relays the difficulties with targeting and Shepard contacts EDI about any viable options. A link with the Normandy's weapons suite may provide the extra assistance the guidance system needs to break through the interference.

Another wave of monstrosities appears as they make the necessary uplink and EDI begins the process of overhauling the targeting software. The allied forces on their left flank fail and the team is bombarded by fire, ammunition rapidly depleting. As she pops her last heat sink, the last straggler drops to a proximity mine and EDI announces they can fire the missiles. However, once launched, the rockets swerve wildly upon closing with the destroyer, missing it entirely. Shepard screams, "Damn it!"

"There must be too much interference from the beam," EDI explains.

"Meaning we need to allow the destroyer to get closer if we're to have any shot at it. We only have two missiles left; gotta make them count." She turns to Garrus and James, both looking battered and weary, "Time to play chicken with the Reaper. You boys ready for a little more fun?"

They exchange a look and James says, "We've followed you so far. No turning back now."

"All right. Let's hunt up any spare heat sinks, patch up our wounds, and prepare while we have some breathing room." A rapid search of the area yields enough ammo to fully restock their weapons and they get into cover just in time as another wave breaks over them.

This time the tide doesn't ebb, growing stronger and stronger as they try to hold out for the Reaper to close. EDI finally declares the Reaper should be outside the field of interference. Shepard activates her cloak and dashes through the battlefield to initiate the launch sequence as James and Garrus carve an open swath around the tank. The destroyer attempts to get its metal plating closed as the missiles hone in but it's too late and a chain of explosions brings the behemoth down. The three of them mop up the remaining enemies and Anderson is able to rejoin them.

Bad news is apparently the order of the day as they are informed that Harbinger and several other Reapers of the same class are descending on their position. The companies still left in Hammer immediately set out for the Conduit in an effort to arrive before the heavy enemy reinforcements, but to no avail. As their transports near the site, Harbinger touches down and rains destruction down on the troops. A nightmarish hell-scape unfolds before the allies as they run for the conduit, weaving through rubble and dodging lasers, tossed about by the concussive force of the bombardment. Shepard is separated from James and Garrus, her sole focus on reaching the beam of light that leads to the Citadel. A blinding white flash is the lasting thing she sees before the shockwave knocks her unconscious.

* * *

><p><em>Darkness surrounds her, burning cold engulfs her, whispers echo from all directions. "Commander, you have to get up." "Shepard, only you can do this right." "Siha, you must rise and fight." She claws her way free of the shroud of unconsciousness.<em>

It's still dark and the world is filled with pain, but a static filled radio transmission reaches her ears, "God... they're all gone."

She realizes her eyes are closed, filmed over with a layer of blood and grit. Wiping at them barely improves the situation but she is able to get a blurry view of the sky, the clouds pierced by a tower of light. More radio chatter, "Did we get anyone to the beam?"

Craning her neck around reveals more Reapers landing nearby and bodies strewn about the ground. Her exhausted brain recognizes Major Coats' voice as he replies, "Negative. Our entire force was decimated."

Not quite yet... God, please tell me Garrus and James aren't... Rolling to her hands and knees, she struggles up to her feet, gasping as a searing pain shoots through her torso. Looking at what she can see of herself shows melted metal chest plates, the entire left arm and part of the right arm missing armor, blood seeping from a crack over her abdomen. Her sniper rifle is nowhere to be found, but there's a pistol laying a few steps away.

"It's too much. We need to regroup. Fall back to the buildings," is the command over the allied channel. _No! If we don't do this now, we're lost._ She staggers forward. There's a soldier trying to low-crawl away from the conduit, but he succumbs to his injuries and collapses before she can reach him. Husks round a flipped tank; her arm wavers and a few shots go astray but she downs the last one just as it's about to grab hold of her.

Her gait is unsteady as she moves on and a marauder comes into view, scoring a hit on her shoulder. A few rounds from her pistol and he drops, allowing her to desperately stumble the last few steps and disappear into the light.

* * *

><p>"Into The Nothing" by Breaking Benjamin<p>

Screaming on the inside  
>I am frail and withered<br>Cover up the wounds  
>That I can't hide<br>Walls that lie between us  
>The saint within the sinner<br>I have lost the nerve  
>But it's all right<br>Carry the wounded and shut your eyes  
>All will be forgiven<br>None will rise  
>Bury the fallen and lead the blind<br>I will fight the loss  
>Dead inside<p>

Into the nothing  
>Faded and weary<br>I won't leave and let you fall behind  
>Live for the dying<br>Heaven hear me  
>I know we can make it out alive<p>

Leave me at the bottom  
>I am lost forever<br>Letters from the dead  
>Say goodbye<br>Sorrow falls upon us  
>This will be the last time<br>Days begin to end  
>But I'll get by<br>Follow the hopeless  
>And shut your eyes<p>

All will be abandoned  
>None will shine<br>Gather the broken and leave this life  
>Lying in the earth<br>Side by side

Into the nothing  
>Faded and weary<br>I won't leave and let you fall behind  
>Live for the dying<br>Heaven hear me  
>I know we can make it out alive<p>

I'll keep you inside  
>Where I lead you cannot follow<br>Straight into the light  
>As my breath grows still and shallow<p>

Into the nothing  
>Faded and weary<br>I won't leave and let you fall behind  
>Live for the dying<br>Heaven hear me  
>I know we can make it out alive<p>

Stay with me  
>You're all I have left<br>I know we can make it out alive  
>Stay with me<br>You're all I have left  
>I know we can make it out alive<p> 


	15. Chapter 15: Walk Softly Into the Night

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's Note: There will be one more chapter after this one._

* * *

><p>"Meet The Monster" by Five Finger Death Punch<p>

It's not that complicated and you ain't gotta believe  
>They'll put me down in a hole before I let you succeed<br>I've never been complacent, I can't afford to be  
>I know you think you're special but you ain't nothin'<p>

Can you read between the lines?  
>Or are you stuck in black and white?<br>Hope I'm on the list of people that you hate  
>It's time you met the monster you have helped create<br>Boo!

You've pushed me one too many times  
>I'm sick of all of the fiction, we're gonna settle it<br>You've pushed me one too many times  
>I'm sick of all of the shit, I'm gonna settle it!<p>

It's not that complicated and you ain't gotta believe  
>They'll put me down in a hole before I let you succeed<br>I've never been complacent, I can't afford to be  
>I know you think you're special but you ain't nothin'<p>

Well there's nothing you can say to me now  
>And there's nothing you can do to stop me<br>It's hard not to be a menace to society  
>When half the population is happy on their knees<p>

You've pushed me one too many times  
>I'm sick of all of the fiction, we're gonna settle it<br>You've pushed me one too many times  
>I'm sick of all of the shit, I'm here settle it!<p>

'Cause I can't take it anymore  
>I refuse to live this way<br>It's not that I don't care enough, it's not that I can't see  
>It's everything inside of me that won't let me be you<br>It won't let me be you!

It's not that complicated and you ain't gotta believe  
>They'll put me down in a hole before I let you succeed<br>I've never been complacent, I can't afford to be  
>I know you think you're special but you ain't nothin'<br>No, you ain't nothin'  
>And you'll never succeed<br>I know you think you're special,  
>but you ain't nothin'<p>

But you ain't nothin'!

* * *

><p>The stench of rotting flesh rouses her, bile rising as she pushes herself up off the grimy floor. Emergency lights dimly illuminate a corridor filled with corpses. The comm unit crackles to life and she's relieved to hear Anderson's voice calling out to her.<p>

A wave of dizziness strikes as she lurches to her feet. "Anderson, you're here too? How did you make it? I heard Coats say everyone was dead."

A humorless chuckles reaches her ears, "I heard the same; apparently he was mistaken. I followed you into the Conduit, but it appears to have dumped us in separate locations. I'm in a dark hallway… reminds me of your description of the Collector base. You think they're building another Reaper?"

She groans as she scoops up a pistol and moves out, ribcage feeling like someone took a sledgehammer to it. "Makes sense. They've been collecting humans; had to have something to do with them besides just make more husks, so they send them up here for processing."

Anderson's not sounding too healthy at the moment either, "Goddamn abominations! We need to keep going and maybe our halls will intersect. The sooner we blow these bastards back to hell, the better."

The wall before her opens to a bridge over a chasm. In all the times she's visited the Citadel, nothing compares to what she finds now and she can only wonder how this has happened. Occasional updates from Anderson come over the radio, but, as he discovers what sounds like a control room, his feed drops out.

The ramp before her seems like an insurmountable task, but she limps her way up to see Anderson leaning over a console. Her mentor turns as though strings are jerking him about against his will. Before she can go to his aid, the loathsome voice of the Illusive Man speaks from behind her, "I underestimated you, Shepard." The Cerberus leader has morphed into a human/synthetic hybrid and a sickening force emanates from him, the same miasma she remembers from Project Base and the Reaper artifact there that tried to control her.

Despite everything, the man truly believes he holds power over the monsters rather than the other way around; his delusions prevent him from seeing the truth: he's just another pawn for the Reapers to use. Both Shepard and Anderson make the case that the Illusive Man should stop this madness, join their cause and defeat their common enemy. At times it seems as though his resolve is wavering, but then she can literally feel the pulse of command slam into him from his overlords, directing him to finish them off.

Some of the same manipulative power surges into her, forcing her weapon up to fire at Anderson, but she wrests some small amount of control back and drops the aim to his left lower abdomen instead of his heart. Her nemesis tries to sway her to his point of view, but there is no chance she will ever turn against her friends, and she points out that if he cannot dominate the Reapers he will doom humanity to extinction. The battle waging in his head is evident in his expression, his will fighting that of the Reapers. In a moment of clarity and control, the Illusive Man stares her in the eye, offering the only apology he can, "I tried, Shepard," before killing himself so the enemy can use him no longer.

The power that had been radiating from him evaporates and with it the strength that kept Anderson on his feet. As her friend collapses to the deck, she quickly crosses to activate the console that will open the Citadel's arms. The view opens before the two wounded soldiers and the various factions can be seen locked in combat in the space above Earth. They bear witness to the union of the Catalyst and the Citadel, all their hard work paying off as the ultimate weapon is formed.

Staggering a few steps back to where Anderson rests, she sits beside her mentor, the various aches taking their toll on her ability to remain upright. Neither of them is in the best of shape, labored breathing and grunts of pain punctuating their conversation.

"Commander."

She bestows a weary smile on him, "We did it."

"Yes, we did." They both stare out at the vista before them, debris scattered across the heavens, Earth looming bright and beautiful, the darkness pierced by brief flashes of light as ships explode. "It's quite a view."

Laughter wells up in her, but the pain of her battered chest turns it into a gasp, "Best seats in the house."

Exhaustion colors his words, "God… feels like years since I just… sat down."

Her gaze wanders his way, "I think you've earned a rest." His face becomes paler by the minute and his eyes drift shut; her heart clenches, fear for her friend growing, "Stay with me. We're almost through this."

He struggles to open his eyes and look at her, pride and affection clear, "You did good, child. You did good. I'm proud of you."

He slumps against her and she's terrified he's dead, but a check of his neck registers a very thready pulse. Desperately searching her pockets she finds one last application of medigel and spreads it over the worst of his injuries to stop the flow of blood. _Please don't die._

Hackett's voice springs to life on the radio, "Shepard. Commander. Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing. It's got to be something on your end."

The exertion of trying to save Anderson has reopened the jagged wound in her own side; hypovolemia makes her to be too dizzy, causing her to fall as she tries to walk. She drags her body towards the computer console.

The lack of response from her adds an edge to Hackett's tone, "Commander Shepard!"

Panting, she flails out to try and grasp the console, but she's too weak, vision fogging as the poor circulation of blood to her brain finally drags her under.

* * *

><p>Pain. That's all that seems left to her. She doesn't remember how she got here, but she remembers the feeling of failure. A luminous figure approaches: the ghostly outline of the little boy from her nightmares. <em>Not exactly how I remember death from last time…<em>

"Wake up," his voice echoes. _Is this a dream? I never hurt this much in my dreams, at least not physically; it's everyone else that's in pain._

A trickle of strength flows through her and she manages to rise, looking around. A blinding white beam extends from a machine before her up to the Crucible. She's puzzled because this is definitely not where she was just a short time ago. "Where am I?"

She swears there is more than one voice when the child speaks, "The Citadel. It's my home."

Her gaze wanders to the battle raging so near and yet so far away. With a slight headshake she returns her focus to him, "Who are you?"

"I am the Catalyst."

Confusion sets it, "I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst."

"No. The Citadel is part of me."

It is too much for her tired mind to process, so she asks the only thing that matters, "I need to stop the Reapers. Do you know how I can do that?"

The boy launches into an explanation about the chaos of the universe and how synthetic life will ultimately destroy organic life if given the chance, so he created the Reapers to keep that from happening. It's their task to help the more advanced races ascend, to harvest and keep their lives so the next group of sentient species can flourish.

"Your so called solution gives us no hope. Without hope there is no reason to keep striving to be better, no point to life. We need to have a chance to create our own future, with all the defeats and victories that entails. Please, you have to stop the cycle of destruction. Let us prove we can coexist without bringing everything to ruin."

"By being here, the first organic ever, you have shown me that my solution will no longer work. A new way must be found. The Crucible changed me. Created new… possibilities. But I can't make them happen, not alone; you must choose."

"And my options?"

Directing her attention to the right, he shows her a vision of Anderson destroying the machine that keeps the ray of light in check. "I know you've thought about destroying us. You can wipe out all synthetic life if you want. Including the Geth. Even you are partly synthetic… But peace won't last. Soon, your children will create synthetics and the chaos will start again."

Turning around, he grants her another vision, this time of the Illusive Man grasping at twin handles, becoming part of the machine, "Or you can choose to control us."

Head shaking in disbelief she mutters, "So… he was right after all."

"Yes, but he could never have controlled us because we already had control of him. If you choose this route, you will cease to exist. You will control us, but your mind will be absorbed into the Reaper consciousness."

Finally, he directs her towards the glowing light. "There is another way. Synthesis."

Brow furrowed, she studies him, "And that is?"

"You would add your energy to the Crucible. Everything you are would be absorbed and used to help combine organics and synthetics into a whole new life-form. The cycle will end. Synthesis is the final evolution of life, but we need each other to make it happen." He faces her and states, "You have a difficult decision, but the choice is yours. The paths are open."

Weary, she sits to contemplate her options. _I am not God. What right do I have to make a decision that affects everyone in the universe?_ Her vantage point provides a clear view of the space battle and she can see the destruction continuing to take place as she struggles with her dilemma. _If I do nothing, we will be slaughtered. The Crucible was our main hope of victory, so I __**must**__ do something._

_Do I kill the Reapers? It would be the simplest choice: the enemy is defeated and the galaxy goes back to the way it was. …All I'd have to do is sacrifice the Geth._ Her mind drifts back to Rannoch and she can hear Legion, "Shepard-Commander… Do we deserve death?" _No. That was my answer then and it is still my answer. You gave so much to find your soul and I will not deny that to your people. Your sacrifice will not be in vain, Legion._

_Synthesis. This… creature… is right, I am part synthetic and it is not such a horrible thing. Were it not for the mechanical parts I would never have had a second chance at life. However, if I follow this route I am not much better than the Reapers; all the deaths and hardships we've suffered would be pointless if I am no better than the enemy. Homogeneity is what the Reapers have been imposing on those they harvest. Individuality is what makes life so vibrant, so magnificent, and so mysterious. With this choice, I impose my will on all creation, forcing them to become a single species, even if they would not wish it. No one has that right._

_That leaves one course: control. It's sad that the Illusive Man actually had the right idea, but failed so horribly along the way, losing himself to that which he hoped to conquer. I don't want dominion over them, but I will not see everyone dead because of it. I will not watch the galaxy go up in smoke because I was afraid of losing my soul. Who knows… maybe God will grant me a place in heaven or Kalahira will take pity on me and set me on the shore of the infinite spirit. _

Digging beneath the ruins of her armor she pulls out the dog tag James gave to her, staring at the image of them dancing for what feels like eternity. She can still hear the music in her mind and smell the flowers if she closes her eyes. Her body is too desiccated to allow her tears. _James, please forgive me. I love you so very much. You are my life, my heart, my soul._

She approaches the left hand walkway, stopping a few feet before the point of no return to kneel and perform one last act. Mind filled with her love for James, of all the memories they shared, she surrenders herself to the path she has chosen.

* * *

><p>A flash of blue light floods the sky as the battle rages on and the Reaper's minions begin to fall still as the monstrous machines pull back and shift to leave the system. Ragged cheers erupt amongst the allied troops as it sinks in that the tide of war has shifted and the Crucible worked.<p>

In a field hospital tent, Garrus allows a medic to finish bandaging his arm, telling the man to put the useless appendage in a sling because he has to go; the medic tries to protest, but the turian ignores him and leaves. The familiar sounds of James' voice raised in anger lead him to the lieutenant who is trying to convince a pilot to take him up to the Citadel. Apparently no one is keen on flying up to the battered remains of the station while there is any lingering battle above. The fight draws some attention and a battered Steve Cortez finds his two friends; they manage to obtain a shuttle to head up in search of Shepard.

A gruesome sight greets them upon docking: all the occupants of the station dead, their bodies strewn in piles blocking corridors. The place is unrecognizable and they make slow progress in their search. Keepers are scattered about, futilely cleaning the mess. Eventually they are shunted into a circular information room and stumble upon the Illusive Man's corpse and what they assume is Anderson's dead body. Garrus hears a faint moan escape the man and stops to render aid along with Steve while James searches for a way to get through a hole in the ceiling. As he steps under the opening, the tile beneath him starts to rise and he steadies himself as it continues its ascent to the upper level.

The lift comes to a stop in a wide open area, a metal path branching in three directions before him. Ahead to the left there is blood smeared on the floor and he begins to run, head swiveling side to side looking for any sign of her. When he reaches the spot, light flashes off something at his feet and he falls to his knees, recognizing the tag he gave to Shepard, a red stain blotting out her image.

Garrus finds James kneeling beside the message scrawled in blood. "_James, I am sorry. To stop the Reapers I had to leave. Please believe I will do everything I can to make it back to you. I love you. Kaylin._" He rests his uninjured hand on the man's shoulder, offering silent support as they both grieve.

* * *

><p>"However Long It Takes" by Sent By Ravens<p>

Seven years is long enough  
>I made this trip just to spill my guts<br>The things I've seen I can't believe

I'm letting go  
>So I can move forward<br>I just need some sleep tonight  
>One thing could make it all better<br>If I could hold you tight

However long it takes  
>I'll make it back to you<br>However long it takes  
>However long it takes<p>

A million miles is far enough  
>The things we do for the ones we love<br>We'd give anything for the old routine

I'm letting go  
>So I can move forward<br>I just need some sleep tonight  
>One thing could make it all better<br>If I could hold you tight

However long it takes  
>I'll make it back to you<br>However long it takes  
>However long it takes<p>

Fear has filled this house before  
>But it takes a little faith to make it through the storm<br>And no matter what life has in store  
>Just know I'm proud of you and what we're fighting for<p>

However long it takes  
>I'll make it back to you<br>However long it takes  
>I'll make it back to you<p>

However long it takes  
>I'll make it back to you<br>However long it takes  
>However long it takes<p> 


	16. Chapter 16: From the Ashes

The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.

_Author's Note: First, I'd like to extend a giant thank you to CyanB for being an absolutely amazing beta; without her input this story might never have been finished. Also, thanks to everyone that read my little foray into writing, especially those that kept offering encouragement with their reviews (Quilate and emberlies in particular!). It has been a fun experience and I hope you guys enjoyed this tale._

* * *

><p>"Love Come" by Sarah McLachlan<p>

Love come  
>Light up the shadows<br>Let the beauty of you enter in  
>For I have hungered for a tender touch<br>A long and lonely time  
>I've seen much more than I want to<br>So much anger  
>So much pain<br>A line is drawn and lives are torn apart  
>The wound's too hard to heal<p>

Love has taken me in  
>Lifted my load<br>And in this empty space a wonder grows  
>A dream of some kind of peace I could hold up is true<br>I never knew anything about love before you

You can call, I come running  
>I can sense the flood before it breaks<br>And I'd do anything to dry your tears  
>To let you know you're safe<p>

Love has taken me in  
>Lifted my load<br>And in this empty space a wonder grows  
>And I dream of some kind of peace I can hold up as true<br>I never knew anything about love before you

Love come light up the shadows  
>Let the beauty of you enter in<br>For I have hungered for a tender touch  
>A long and lonely time.<p>

* * *

><p><em>The world is black and white; no waking, no sleeping; only existing. Faces dissolve into nothingness, memories shredding to infinite pieces and scattering to the cosmos. The vistas of countless worlds float by, no joy felt at the glory of a sunrise, no despair at bodies twisted and broken on the ground. <em>

"Emotions are senseless constructs of organic minds; you are more than those weak creatures can ever be. We are supreme, we are the embodiment of perfection, we take and improve life. You understand that allowing them to continue is pointless; allow us to finish our mandate, allow us to harvest."

_NO! Images pulled from the ether: an asari fighting to save her homeworld, a salarian scientist saving a Krogan life, a squad of krogans futilely battling a swarm of monsters to allow a rachni queen to escape, a turian and quarian locked in an embrace, a geth collapsing to his knees as the sun sets on his life but rises on his peoples. __**Life matters! You will STOP!**_

_All actions cease: ships abort their attacks, troops halt their progress and retreat to the ships, transformations are terminated and prisoners released. Even thought is arrested and the force driving this change in protocol falls into empty darkness. Time slips by unnoticed._

_Stillness reigns in the machine consciousness, perfect and peaceful. Solitary pictures intrude upon this tranquility: a human man charging into battle, the same man sitting beside a human woman swathed in bandages, the couple dancing in the night, and again the man kneeling with a chain clenched tight in his fist and tears in his eyes. A voice shatters the silence: "You kinda look like a Lola… Are you flirting with me, Lola… __Mi alma, __please __wake up…__When you're ready, I'll be waiting, mi amor… I'll slay any dragon for my princess… __**I love you, Kaylin**__."_

_A small fragment of the collective splits off, awareness stirred by the disturbance of memories, and swells to form a separate identity: _"I am Kaylin Siobhan Shepard and I want to go home."

* * *

><p>When the Crucible fired off the weapon that forced the Reapers into retreat, a massive amount of data flooded the Mass relays. This surge overloaded the systems and shut down intergalactic travel for several weeks. Eventually the relays came back online and the various fleets returned home.<p>

The bulk of Reaper forces have vanished, though occasional sightings of the large ships are made over various planets in concert with the release of small amounts of traumatized victims. The number of those returned is miniscule in comparison to the amount taken, but anyone saved is considered cause for celebration.

Months pass as governments pick up the broken pieces of society and begin the arduous task of reconstruction. Refugees straggle back home, some to families they thought lost while others grieve those gone forever. The Citadel coupled with the Crucible still hangs over Earth, both grim reminder of horror and joyous monument to victory. No one wants to reclaim the station as the center of galactic commerce and unity; too many ghosts haunt the halls. A joint effort has begun to build a new hub at the location of the old, but the process is slow as it comes second to the rebuilding of home.

With peace settling over the galaxy, the leaders of all the various species gather on Earth to commemorate the one year anniversary of the end of the war and to honor the sacrifice of all who died. The Normandy's crew holds pride of place, opposite the dignitaries, having done so much to bring about this victory. Admiral Anderson has just taken the stage when a Reaper appears in the sky. A shaft of stunning white light strikes down before the dais and a naked human woman appears as the brilliance fades.

James is on his feet and gathering up the figure before anyone else can react, though the Normandy's crew is but a few heartbeats behind, circling the couple and facing outward to protect them and offer a moment of privacy.

Tears streaming down their faces, Vega and Shepard share a passionate kiss and then stand foreheads pressed together to breathe each other in. James starts to speak, but his voice breaks and he has to start again, "Is it really you?"

Shepard's voice is ragged as she whispers, "It's me: Shepard, Kaylin, Lola. I am so very sorry James. I never wanted to leave you." Chaos is erupting in the crowd with people reaching for weapons and shouting questions. She gives him a weary smile, "I know you have a million questions, but I think we'd better deal with the rest of the universe first. I'm not leaving you ever again, so we'll have all the time in the world to catch up."

He looks down at her current state of undress and starts to take off his dress coat with a smirk, "While I appreciate the view, I'm not in the mood to share it with everyone else."

Shepard's eyes dance as she chuckles, "The Reapers managed to make me a new body to the right specifications, but trying to get them to create clothes seemed beyond their capabilities." As he helps her slide into the coat she notices two sets of dog tags around his neck: her old set and the custom set he made for her. She tentatively reaches out to touch them and he quickly takes off the black one to place around her neck.

The crew parts to allow Vega to lift her to the stage and creates a perimeter to prevent anyone from getting close to them as he joins her above. Anderson steps forward to hug her tightly, James standing guard at her back. Tears glisten in her eyes as she returns his embrace, "I wasn't sure you'd make it 'til help arrived; glad to see you did."

The man chuckles and steps back with his hands on her shoulders to study her for a moment, "I've survived worse injuries and I wasn't going to let that bastard have the satisfaction of me dying. Thought we'd lost you for good this time, though."

"I couldn't let the damned Reapers have the satisfaction of killing me off. Besides, third life's the charm, right?"

They share a laugh and he waves her towards the podium, "I think there will be a riot soon if you don't tell everyone where the hell you've been and how you made it back."

A resigned sigh escapes her and she reaches out to twine her hand with James' before stepping forward to the mike. She taps it a few times to try and get everyone's attention. "Greetings. If everyone could please take their seats, perhaps I can answer the questions you all so obviously have for me." Silence slowly spreads as those present sit back down to listen. There are still quite a few weapons drawn, but, for the most part, peace is restored as the heads of state generally recognize Shepard and tell their people to stand down.

"For those of you who don't know me, I'm Commander Shepard." Vega leans over to whisper in her ear and she mutters, "Really?" Raising her voice, she continues, "Apparently I was promoted to General upon my… death. Who knew that the second time you die it earns you two ranks?" A few scattered laughs greet her lame joke and she takes a deep breath to steady her nerves. "Many of you are probably wondering what happened during the last moments of the war, why the Reapers left, and whether they'll be back. I'll do my best to answer those questions and any others you may have."

"First of all, the Reapers are not the penultimate form of synthetic life out there. They were created by a being that essentially inhabits the Citadel–" This statement prompts a general wave of muttering between the members of the crowd and she waits for them to settle back down. "I know this comes as a shock to all those who lived, worked and visited the Citadel… and it is a fact I have no way to prove to you." More grumbling greets her words, but she presses on. "This being revealed itself to me once the Illusive Man had been defeated, saying that it used the Reapers to keep chaos throughout the galaxy in check. If believed that organics and synthetics would destroy themselves if left to their own devices, so it would reset intelligent organic life in cycles to allow for new life to flourish." Angry shouts ring out along with cries for action against this AI.

Her calm attempts to restore order are in vain, so she uses her command voice to shout, "Quiet!" All the military personnel, whatever their species, immediately fall silent and the civilians are startled into a similar show of discipline. Volume returning to normal, she says, "Thank you. By joining the Crucible with the Citadel, we essentially threw it for a loop and it decided it needed a new way of dealing with the situation. Thus it presented me with three choices."

The Salarian Dalatrass Linron stands and calls out, "Why you? Why would it not address the leaders of the organic races rather than one measly human, not even a leader among her people?" The question garners a few murmurs of support but is largely met with hostility from those who hold Shepard in high regard and take exception to the way the wording denigrates her importance.

Shepard holds up a hand to still the crowd and replies, "It gave me the right to choose because I was the first organic to find it. Had it been you or anyone else I cannot say that it would have made a difference." The salarian and her supporters seem somewhat mollified by the answer, so Shepard continues.

"The first option was outright destruction of the Reapers." Rumbles of agreement for this idea are wide spread. "But I rejected this plan –" Now some of her proponents join the opposition with rage-filled shouts of "Why the hell not?" and "You should have killed them all!" She weathers the storm of wrath directed at her, speaking into the eventual lull, "I rejected this plan because it would also have meant the destruction of the Geth people and probably the death of anyone with significant synthetic enhancements. I was unwilling to sacrifice so many when there were other possible courses of action." All eyes turn to the geth contingent in attendance. In the months following the end of the conflict, the geth had been tireless in their efforts to aid the other races in rebuilding, providing workers for construction projects and helping rescue victims from areas deemed too hazardous for organics to safely work. Even some of the more conservative quarians had come to admit that the geth were useful and didn't need to die.

Satisfied that the general consensus has come to agree that maybe this course was not the correct one, she moves on. "The second choice was the one the intelligence felt was the best, calling it synthesis, but one I could not ultimately agree on. It offered the ability to combine all organics and synthetics into one hybrid species, thus negating the chance that the two different life form types would fight." Everyone sits in stunned silence, mulling over the implications of this option. "You asked me why the creature gave me, a single individual, the decision to make in how to end this war and not the governing bodies of the galaxy. Because I am but one person, not a god or supreme ruler, I refused to take this path. I had no right to change all of creation, to force all life to abide by a change they could not counteract." A large number of those present nod in agreement with her assessment.

Squeezing James hand tight, she takes a deep breath. He can feel the tremors running through her and shifts position to press against her side. "So I went with option three. By joining my consciousness with the Reapers I could control them." She stops talking, allowing the import of her words to sink in; all hell breaks loose when it does and several weapons are pointed at her in the pandemonium. James thrusts her behind his back, shielding her as the rest of the Normandy's crew surges to protect her. The geth go into action to disable those deemed an immediate threat to Shepard and the security team for the event eventually helps restore order.

Once a modicum of peace returns, Shepard steps around James to resume her place at the podium. He takes up position behind her left shoulder, hand resting in the small of her back, eyes now scanning the area constantly for danger. Her voice is steady as she speaks, "The only viable solution that did not require a massive loss of life or playing god was to become one with the Reapers, so I took it. The Reapers pulled back because I ordered them to. They released all remaining prisoners on my command. Their forces have moved off beyond the confines of this galaxy and will not return."

A turian stands up to yell, "What happens when you die? Will they come back after that?"

Looking him in the eye she replies, "Those are fair questions. They will no longer be a threat because my values have been imprinted on them and that won't fade even when my current body does. Even though I stand before you now, a part of me is still joined with them."

A shout from the back of the crowd, "What if they're really controlling you? Pretending to be gone when really their just getting stronger? Or what if that AI in the Citadel makes more synthetics to attack us?" A few murmurs of concern spread through the crowd.

A grim smile curls her lips, "If they were in control, you'd be dead. There is no reason for them to have pulled back save at my instructions. They were winning and withdrawing would earn them nothing. They'd also have no reason to release their captives unless they were still infected with the nanites they used to command them." The military among the group all nod in agreement at this assessment.

"As for the intelligence that created them making something different, it gave us a chance to prove ourselves and I believe we have to make the most of that. It believed that choosing to control the Reapers would prove pointless because organics would make some new synthetic and we'd go to war with them, perpetuating the chaos and the cycle of hate." Her gaze roams over those in attendance, a sense of conviction filling her words, "We have the opportunity to show that organics and synthetics can live in harmony, that war is not the only answer. The geth have stepped up and shown themselves willing to work with the rest of us and we must continue in this spirit of cooperation. We here today will set the course for all future generations, so let's prove that this cycle is different from all those before it, that we can build a better tomorrow for all life."

Applause erupts from several factions, quickly spreading as everyone gets to their feet. After fielding a few more questions, she pleads the need to change into something a bit less revealing than someone's coat and promises the counsel she'll be available for further debriefing. Shepard and her entourage relinquish the stage to other speakers in order to return to the Normandy.

* * *

><p>Once away from the bulk of outsiders, each of the crew claims a few moments to welcome her back, letting her know how much she's been missed and how happy they are she's alive after all. The inner cadre, those who walked into battle by her side, hangs back until last.<p>

Joker stands to attention and salutes, then surprises her by giving her a hug, "Damn it, Commander… I mean General, ma'am! This better be the last time you disappear on us; I'm getting sick of throwing funerals for someone that just comes back."

She shakes her head and smiles, "I'll try a little harder to stay alive from now on, Joker, but I can't make any promises."

EDI moves to stand beside Joker, "Shepard, when we could not find you on the Citadel, Doctor Chakwas stated that the amount of blood we found would have meant certain death for a human; I am glad to see that she was incorrect."

"She was right, EDI. My body died, but I guess you could say I was uploaded to the Reaper consciousness and they were able to fashion me a new body… once I extracted my thoughts enough from theirs." A micro tremor runs through Shepard's body that only James and EDI note.

"Clearly the topic upsets you. Perhaps in the future you will be more at ease answering my questions."

"Sure, EDI. I'll let you know when I'm up to it."

Tali steps forward to give her a hug with Garrus close behind; the two are obviously still together and look very happy. Tali exclaims, "We all kept hoping that you would come back somehow."

"Thanks, Tali. I'm guessing it took longer than I had wanted to return." Gesturing at his right arm, which is misshapen and its movement limited, Shepard asks, "What happened Garrus?"

He shrugs, "Got thrown by a blast from Harbinger's lasers; some flaming debris landed on me and now I have some more burn scars to go along with my face. I'm guessing the right leg will be the next to get hit if we start fighting again."

"Well, you seem to have found a lady who thinks scars are sexy." Tali ducks her head at this comment and the group chuckles.

Wrex and Eve make their greetings and the female krogan tells Shepard she needs to come to Tutchanka to meet their son Mordin. Her eyes misting, Shepard assures them she'll make it a priority once the brass frees her up.

Liara approaches with a vaguely familiar drell. Racking her brain, Shepard finally says, "You're Feron, right?"

He blinks several times before nodding and looking at Liara. The asari moves to hug the human woman, murmuring, "I don't think he believed you would remember him from your brief contact. It's good to see you, Shepard."

"Likewise, Liara." She lifts an eyebrow, looking between Liara and Feron, before whispering, "Are you two…"

The woman's blush is all the answer Shepard needs. "Good for you! I always knew there was more there than you were willing to admit."

Liara smiles shyly, "It is an ongoing process, finding our way around all the problems in our past to create something new." Her smile fades, "Once you have some free time, there are some things I've learned through my contacts that you should be aware of."

She nods to Liara, distracted as she sees Kaidan on the periphery with a pretty brunette by his side. Walking over to the couple, she holds her hand out to Kaidan, "With the need for biotics on the front lines, I was worried you might not have made it out."

He takes her hand, but pulls her into a hug, lightly kissing her cheek and whispering, "You scared the hell out of us, Shepard. Thinking you had died again…" He shakes his head and steps back, motioning to the woman beside him, "I'd like you to meet Beth. She's the teacher I told you about."

The two women size each other up and Shepard offers her hand, pleased when the other woman takes it in a firm grip, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Beth. Kaidan's quite the catch; I hope you appreciate how lucky you are."

Kaidan blushes, hissing, "Shepard!" Beth threads her arm through his and holds on tight, a possessive smile on her face, "You can bet I know a good thing when I see it, unlike some people. He's not going anywhere if I have anything to say about it."

The verbal jab finds its mark, stinging slightly, but James wraps his arm around her waist and she leans into him, any residual pain over Kaidan forgotten. "I wish you two all the happiness in the world."

Looking over her friends, she smiles brightly, grateful to be home. "We'll all have to go out for drinks later, but for now I'd dearly love a chance to shower and put on some clothes, so I hope you'll excuse me."

James leads her onto the ship and they take the lift up to her cabin as he explains, "Admiral Anderson took over as CO of the ship when you went MIA, but his work kept him tied up here on Earth, so he left me in charge of the crew and he'd pass on any orders via the comm. Since we had a quarian admiral and an advisor to the turian Primarch aboard, as well as the team that basically pulled the entire damned galaxy together, the Normandy got tasked with traveling all over the place and helping get things settled down."

They enter the quarters and she can see nothing has been changed; even her fish and hamster are still alive. A gentle touch turns her around and she's engulfed in James' embrace. He's stroking her hair, murmuring her name and other words she doesn't understand; kissing the top of her head, her eyes, her cheeks, her lips. She clings to him for dear life, breathing him in, whispering, "James, mo anam cara, gráim thú!"

Tenderly scooping her up, he carries her the few steps to the bed and they make love for the next few hours, stopping only due to sheer exhaustion. The last thing she hears as she drifts off to sleep is a heartfelt plea from him, "Nunca me dejes otra vez."

* * *

><p>The sensation of being watched wakes her and she finds James staring at her as his fingers reach out to trace delicate lines along her jaw. The pain in his voice breaks her heart, "I thought I'd lost you. I kept trying to believe, but there was so much damned blood on the floor and you said you had to leave, but there was nowhere for you to go from there. And then all those months passed…"<p>

Leaning in, she silences him with a kiss. "I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, he studies her, "What happened?"

She curls up with him, pressing her ear to his chest to listen to his heartbeat. "Like I said at the ceremony, I was given a choice and the only one I could make was to take control of the Reapers. My body disintegrated as I joined my mind with them." A shudder runs through her and he holds her close. "I can't even begin to describe how… alien… their mentality was. It took every ounce of will to hold them in check, to make them stop. Unfortunately, I trapped myself with them when I froze their purpose. I lost myself. It was so very peaceful and there seemed no reason to leave that state of harmony." She pulls back to look up into his eyes and caress his cheek, "…But then you pushed your way into the emptiness and I remembered there was something worth living for. You're the only reason I came back."

"Nice to know I can get in your head even when you're stuck in a computer." He smirks, "It's a good thing you came back when you did. The crew had decided we were going to leave after the ceremony, hunt down a fucking Reaper, and demand to know what they did to you."

She blinks, slack-jawed before falling into fits of laughter. "What about your orders? You think Anderson would have just let you go running off?"

He chuckles and grins, "Anderson's the one who put us up to the idea; he planned on coming with us."

She laughs even harder, gasping, "Why does that not surprise me?"

As the laughter dies down, he gives her a serious look, lifting the chain around her neck to display the black dog tag attached to it, "I asked you to spend your life with me if we survived. You still want that, right?"

She closes her hand around his, "Of course I do! I want forever with you, you crazy Marine!"

"So when do you want to make it official? You want a big wedding or can we hit Vegas?" he asks with a grin.

Rolling her eyes as she chuckles, "My mom would skin me alive if we didn't have a real ceremony, but I don't want it to be some giant media spectacular. I think just the crew and our families, plus Hackett and Anderson." She pauses, eyes widening, as she urgently asks, "My mom made it, didn't she? And your family?"

"Shhh. It's ok. Your mom's fine and so is my uncle and his family. My dad..." he shrugs. "Not really sure I care if he survived or not. I know I wouldn't want him to spoil our wedding."

"Our wedding." She says the words with mild disbelief, but clear happiness. "I had begun to think life would never settle down enough for something so simple, so normal." A groan escapes her, "Tali, Samantha, Kasumi and mom are going to drive me nuts with planning this thing. Maybe we **should** elope after all."

James laughs as she pulls him up and drags him towards the shower, "So glad I can leave all that to you chicas."

Shaking her head as she laughs and turns on the water, "Oh, you are **not** getting off easy on this Mister Vega. If I have to suffer through this, then I am making damned sure you are suffering right along with me. Consider it practice for when our kids get married."

"Kids?" He sounds surprised and then pleased as he repeats, "Our kids..." He pulls her close for a kiss as the water cascades over them, nibbling on her ear as he whispers, "How 'bout we practice making 'em?"

She purrs, "Sounds good to me."

* * *

><p>A month later, on a beach overlooking the Pacific Ocean, James stands fidgeting before the arch of flowers erected above the chaplain. Steve Cortez stands as his best man with Garrus and Joker serving as grooms-men. He keeps looking over at the tent the women have been using as a dressing room.<p>

Music strikes up and EDI comes walking down the aisle, followed by Tali and then Liara. The women are lovely in species appropriate outfits of pale green and gold. As the bridal march begins, James breath stutters to a halt as Anderson escorts Shepard out of the tent.

The sunlight sparks fire from her hair as it curls in tendrils down her back, gold chains with black and green crystals strung through her tresses. She is resplendent in a gown of deep hunters green silk, corset top flattering her modest bust and slim waist, the skirt flaring out at the hips. Her arms are bare save twin bands of gold Celtic knot-work around her biceps. From a golden chain around her neck is suspended the black tag, diamonds twinkling as it rests against her cleavage. The barest hint of makeup graces her visage, the only exception the lovely cinnamon shade coloring her lips.

Steve leans forward to whisper in his ear, "Breath, Vega. I'm not catching your sorry ass if you pass out."

Taking a deep breath, his vision swims for a moment as his oxygen starved brain finally receives sustenance. When he can see clearly again, the two of them are in front of him and the chaplain is asking who gives her away. Anderson responds that he has that privilege and hands her over to James, clapping the young man on the shoulder and saying, "Take good care of her, son. She's one of a kind." James nods, too tongue-tied to speak, and Shepard laces her fingers with his, smiling as she steps forward to face the minister.

The ceremony flies by until the exchanging of vows. The chaplain looks between the two of them and then rests his gaze on James, "I understand you have written your own vows."

Clearing his throat, James turns to face his bride and his nervousness instantly fades as he sees the love shining in her eyes. "When we met, I was your bodyguard and your keeper. Everyone knew who you were, but they didn't really know you. As I got the chance to spend time with you, I came to realize what an amazing, strong, compassionate, intelligent woman you are. You genuinely care about everyone in your command, taking time out to help anyone that needs it, even if it means you have no time to take care of yourself. You slowly worked your way into my heart and I don't want you to ever leave. I never knew what love was until I met you, but now I know love is the ability to open your heart without fear, to give everything about you to someone, to think of someone else's needs before your own, and the willingness to be vulnerable. You make me a better man and you're the only one I can imagine spending my life with. I will cherish and protect you for as long as you'll put up with me. Tú eres mi corazón, mi alma, mi vida."

Blinking back the tears that spring to her eyes, Shepard gives him a radiant smile. "When my world was falling down around me, you were there to cheer me up, to keep me sane, to help me feel like everything would turn out all right. Yours was the voice that pulled me back from death, that called me home when I was lost. I take you, my heart, at the rising of the moon and the setting of the stars. I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and the eyes into which I smile in the morning. I pledge to you my living and my dying, though hopefully the latter is a long way off. I will cherish and honor you, our love never-ending, through this life and the next. Tugaim mo chroí duit go deo."

The rings are exchanged and the minister intones, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Wild cheers erupt as James takes her in his arms, dipping her for a prolonged kiss. Hand in hand they join their friends to embark on a new adventure as husband and wife, taking on whatever the universe throws at them.

* * *

><p>Mo anam cara – my soulmate (Gaelic)<p>

gráim thú! – I love you! (Gaelic)

nunca me dejes otra vez – never leave me again (Spanish)

Tú eres mi corazón, mi alma, mi vida - you are my heart, my soul, my life (Spanish)

Tugaim mo chroí duit go deo - I give my heart to you forever (Gaelic)

* * *

><p>"I Want To Be Loved Like That" by Shenandoah<p>

Natalie Wood gave her heart to James Dean  
>High school rebel and a beauty queen<br>Standing together in an angry world  
>One boy fighting for one girl<p>

I want to be loved like that  
>I want to be loved like that<br>A promise, you can't take back  
>If you're gonna love me<br>I want to be loved like that

Daddy never gave momma a diamond ring  
>Momma never worried for anything<br>What he gave her came from the heart  
>A bond that was never torn apart<p>

I want to be loved like that  
>I want to be loved like that<br>A promise, you can't take back  
>If you're gonna love me<br>I want to be loved like that

An old man kneeling all alone  
>Plants his flowers in a garden of stone<br>For seven years now she's been gone  
>And his devotion is still going strong<p>

I want to be loved like that  
>I want to be loved like that<br>A promise, you can't take back  
>If you're gonna love me<br>I want to be loved like that


End file.
